My marriage was dying.
It was like a slow, silent kind of death. One we were both uncomfortably aware of but unwilling to speak about.
Hopelessness consumed our days. We wore hurt and brokenness daily like winter jackets.
Our marriage seemed comprised of arguments, an unwillingness to understand each other and selfish hearts.
We were living in the same house and unsure of what the future looked like.
On a warm summer day the silence was broken and we found ourselves at a crossroads between divorce and reconciliation.
The first thing I did was look at the calendar, knowing it was a date I’d never forget.
That date. That date. That date.
We spent days being swallowed up by anger. We spent days having tear soaked faces. We spent days having hopelessness walk beside us.
But then…
THEN GOD.
There was a night when I was at my breaking point. I got in my car and started driving. I ended up on a hill in the middle of the woods. The sky was covered with stars and I could see for miles around. I listened to hymns, sang along, cried my eyes out and talked to God for hours on end. When I left the hill that night I had something new, HOPE!
I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my husband what the conversation between God and I held.
In that moment we were catapulted into trusting Him more than we ever had to in the past.
We handed our marriage to God, knowing we couldn’t revive it ourselves. And with that, God breathed new life into our dying marriage. He showed us both forgiveness in a way we had never known and restored our marriage, making it better than it ever had been in the past.
The new marriage we had was amazing. It was filled with compromise, hope, selflessness and love.
But every year I still remembered that date.
That date.
On that date my heart would still feel pangs of sadness. I would pull our story out and read over it from beginning to end. I would blog about it. I would talk about it. I would re-walk our journey.
Each year I sat that day aside to relive it all. All the hurt. The arguments. The selfishness. And the death of my marriage.
I had never fully allowed God, and my husbands love, to heal my heart.
Until this year.
One day I realized, no matter how hard I thought, I couldn’t remember that date. A date that at one time held such significance no longer did. A date that was spent reliving all the hard had been erased by all the good.
I told my husband, and a smile graced his lips. I hadn’t realized how my reliving that date hurt his heart. He told me he’s always hoped the love he has for me, and the love he shows me, to be enough. Enough to erase that date and make it insignificant.
That’s exactly what it did.
A combination of a lot of heart work by God and my husbands selfless love erased it completely. Where there was once a void there is now amazing love.
I want you to know God can see into the deepest depths of your heart. He knows exactly what it will take to restore Hope into your heart, into your life and into your marriage. He meets us where we are and loves us just as we are, sinners. He showers us with his amazing grace. We have a God who knows how we feel, and really cares. He knows our doubts and hopelessness. He can help when we’re willing to bring those things to him. God walks with us during our hopeless times and never leaves us.
Romans 8:28 says And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Our marriages aren’t exempt from this. When we are in the middle of a trial in marriage, it’s hard to see how God could ever use it for good. But He has promised to use them for good, and He is faithful to keep His word. Give your marriage over to God and allow Him to heal the hopeless and the hardness. He will bring beauty from the ashes. And in time you will forget that date too.
Today is my thirty-something-kinda-ish-but-not-really birthday and I want y’all to come along with me as I take a glance back at the past year. Thinking of what all this past year has held blows my mind. Honestly, it’s been one of the hardest most blessed years ever! Though trying at times, I am overwhelmed with joy to see all that I experienced in the last 12 months! So let’s go for a little time-travel and reflect on my journey.
