Forever Beloved

Faith, Love & Truth

The Hardest Post I’ve Had to Write

This is the hardest post I’ve ever written for my blog in all the years I’ve had it.

It’s going to be raw, real and vulnerable.

I’ve started writing it so many times. Each time I would delete what I had written and close out WordPress.

Where do I even begin?

For the past couple of months I’ve been on a journey. A hard journey. It’s been hard emotionally, mentally and most of all physically. In the past 8 months I’ve had brain surgery, twice. And that, my friends, has taken a while to process.

I found out last March that I was born with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a diagnosis that explains so much of my medical journey thus far. The EDS has caused Intracranial Hypertension (my body produces too much cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) and the pressure within my skull is too high). The Intracranial Hypertension had also caused stenosis of a vein in my brain, hearing loss, the loss of eye sight, memory issues and horrible daily headaches. And the stenosis of my right transverse sinus also increased my stroke risk (and explains the stroke I had during a 2013 surgery).

In June I had a stent placed in my right tranverse sinus, hopeful that it would reduce the pressure inside my skull but knowing it was up to my brain to see it as a solution. It didn’t. And in October I had a Ventriculoperitoneal (VP) Shunt placed in my brain. It has lowered the pressure a bit, but we’re still in the process of getting things just right.

To say this has been a taxing, scary time is putting it mildly.

But, God.

And as I’ve said numerous times, God has me on this journey for a reason that is precious and perfect. And while I may not know His reason, I will praise Him in the midst.

Throughout this entire journey I’ve been reminded time and time again of God’s extravagant love for me.  In the darkest places, I found Him there with me.  Speaking to my heart.  Speaking life into the hurt places.  I’ve learned what it’s like to seek and find Him. I’ve thrown myself at His feet in a teary heap.  I’ve learned that even in the hard times, He gives us enormous blessings.  I’ve learned joy doesn’t come and go with our circumstances.  But joy can be experienced despite our circumstances.  Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, second only to love, it flows from God, not circumstances.  We have a fundamental need for joy in our lives.  Life without joy is overwhelming, depressing and just plain sad.

God loves all of us extravagantly.  And He’s not finished with a single one of us.  The fact is, He has a sovereign plan that is for good and not evil.  For joy and not sorrow.  He is writing a story of on-going redemption with each of our lives.  Our lives are woven together through seasons.  It’s one person’s season to experience this.  And another person’s season to experience that.  Neither is loved more.  Neither is more dispensable.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 sums up what I’ve felt in my heart in a few simple, powerful words: He hath made every thing beautiful in his time.

His time. His time. His time. HIS TIME.

Joy comes in knowing Jesus, experiencing His presence and trusting His timing.  Joy comes when we fall more in love with the One who loves us most.  To experience joy is to experience Jesus.

So many times we want joy, but not trails.  We want faith, but not testing.

Y’all, I’m going to be honest, I’ve thought many times how much easier my life would be without pain, without surgeries, without loneliness and without financial hardships.

But God often uses the hard to refine us.  To transform us into the person we were created to be in the first place.  More like Him.

God has used this time to speak one word into my heart…rest. And with that, I took a break from my blog. I took this time to just truly rest physically and mentally. I’ve spent time just truly enjoying this amazing family of mine, surrounding myself with these crazy chickens and Bible journaling to my hearts content.

I would be lying if I said taking a break from blogging was scary. This has been my outlet, my happy, my honesty and my mission for so many years. But I trusted God knew what He was doing (isn’t that hard sometimes?) and knew when the time was right, He would nudge my heart to start writing again.

And here we are, following that gentle nudge I’ve been feeling.

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When Christmas Makes You Sad

Oh sweet friend, just writing this post makes my heart feel pangs of sadness.  Thinking about you makes tears run down my cheeks.  I understand all too well as just a few years ago I was you.  I was the girl who couldn’t find her Christmas, no matter where she looked.

I was the girl with an empty, aching heart.

If thoughts of the Holidays cause you to feel sad and make you want to sleep until mid-January when every single trace of Christmas is gone, you’re not alone.  I was right there with you.

Let me share my story.

A few years ago, as the Holidays approached, they felt different.  I pushed it aside as much as I could, until the obvious was staring me straight in the face.  I put up my tree, made handmade decorations, shopped till I dropped, baked cookies, watched Rudolph, burnt yummy smelling candles…and still nothing.  I still couldn’t feel Christmas.  Why couldn’t I FEEL it?  I ran down the to-be-happy-at-Christmas checklist, put marks in all the boxes and I still wasn’t happy.

I was sassy.  I cried.  I was mean.  I cried.  I was sad.  I cried.  I was distant.  I cried.  I was heartbroken.  I had myself a big ole’ pity party and cried more than I care to admit.  Daily, I alternated between trying to talk myself out of it and justifying my feelings.  Christmas was just so expensive and money was tight.  I didn’t have any close friends to do fun Christmas stuff with.  My dog was aging and couldn’t walk some days.  The weather was yucky.  There wasn’t any snow.  I missed my Grandma who had passed away.  My family didn’t get together anymore on Christmas Eve.  I could go on and on.

My heart was just sad.

Christians are not supposed to be like this, especially not at the time of year when we are celebrating the birth of Jesus!  We are meant to be shiny happy people radiating His love to all who pass us.  We are to be beacons of light not sobbing over Christmas cookies.

We were celebrating Jesus entering the world just to die for us.  And I was still sad.  Which in turn made me feel guilty.  That guilt then made me even sadder.

I’m going to be honest.  I wish I could give you a magical cure, to offer words that would dry up your tears and heal your aching heart.  What I found was no matter how much I tried to talk myself out of it, it was just a valley I had to walk through.  And that was okay.

I realized that year that the sad, lonely, empty spaces in my broken heart are exactly what that Baby born in a manger came to fill.

Friend, if you’re hurting this holiday season…It’s okay to hurt.

People will, no doubt, tell you to just “get over it” and “move on”.  And maybe you feel like you should be over it, but you just don’t know how to be.  I want to tell you this…it’s okay.

If there is anything I’ve learned over the past few years, it’s this.  When God leads you through a valley, don’t close your eyes.  Keep them open as wide as you can.  Along the journey, even in the midst of the valley, there will be beautiful blessings prepared just for you.

I promise you, some day you will find joy in the Holidays again.  God has joy planned for you!!  At first, it may come in a little smile here or there.  Or you find yourself actually singing along to a Christmas carol.  Embrace it!  Smile.  Laugh.  Hug.  Eat.  Fellowship.  And when the tears come, embrace them too.  Cry over Christmas cookies if you need to.  Be honest and brave.

Healing will come.  Laughter will return.  Joy will emerge from this dark season.  A Holiday season will feel almost normal again.

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December Wallpaper // Freebie

To grab these wallpapers just right-click on either DESKTOP or IPHONE below, right-click on the image, save the image and set it as either your desktop wallpaper or your iPhone Home or Lock screen.  Enjoy!

DESKTOP // IPHONE

Disclaimer: These designs are Copyright © 2018 Forever Beloved/Amy Cutler and are for personal use only.  You must not re-distribute or use commercially.  If you share one on social media, please tag @foreverbeloved or link back to www.foreverbeloved.net

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