Forever Beloved

If y’all have followed me for a time, you know my story.  This medical journey of mine has felt never ending at times, and sometimes seems like an uphill battle.  But throughout it all, and I can’t say this enough, it has been filled with so many blessings along the way.  And every drop of that glory goes to God.

A lot of my journey I’ve keep private.  If you’ve never been chronically ill, you may not understand this, but sometimes you just get tired of talking about it.  You get tired of not being normal.  And even though I’m sure this isn’t true, I feel like people get tired of hearing about it.  If you ask me how I’m doing, I will more than likely answer “I’m good” as it’s my go-to answer.  But just know there is, and always will be, things going on in my journey.  I’ve had to accept and just come to realize this is what my normal is now.  

Last year started another journey, one I wasn’t accustomed to.  It was one of those things I’ve kept private.  In June God led me to the most amazing, caring doctor.  I knew the moment she opened her mouth that she was sent by Him directly into my path to be a part of my journey.

Last week I walked back into that doctors office so full of hope.  And then I heard the words I never wanted to hear “she isn’t here anymore”.  A few unthinkable heart-wrenching things transpired during that appointment and when I walked out those doors, my heart was crushed and my mind was reeling.  I’ve never in my entire life had a nightmare situation make me feel in my heart like that one had.

What had just happened?  How is that possible?  How will I ever adjust?  What does this mean to me, to my life and to my family?

Before I go any further let me just say I’m not going to go into detail, so please don’t message me (or my family) and ask for specifics.  Just know what happened stung, no it down right hurt, and it’s something no one should ever have to deal with.

I took a few teary days filled with me continually giving it to Him, and then snatching it right back.  Worry, fear and heartache consumed me.

Thankfully a few days away with my love had been, I’m sure not by chance, scheduled right in those days.  It was exactly what my heart needed to heal.  God knows what we need so much better than we do y’all.

Last night, as I lay snuggling my snoring husband, I prayed.  I prayed harder than I have in a long time.  And I gave every single drop of it to Him.  I refuse to allow satan to keep convincing me that God isn’t big enough to handle this in the most perfect way.

Today, I am so extremely thankful for prayers.  And I covet all of yours.  As you are reading this, I’m getting ready to walk into a new doctors office starting a new journey.  Please be praying for the situation, for truth to be revealed, for the doctors knowledge and understanding and for Gods hand to be shown throughout it all.  Pray for my heart, as it’s still reeling and needs time to heal.  And pray for me to accept the outcome, no matter what.

On our way home Saturday, I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer.  Joe looked over and saw them and instantly grabbed my hand.  I can’t even express how much this man is my rock.  A few miles down the road, in a town where we don’t know a soul, there was a community craft show.  Joe convinced me to go in and walk around, even though I would have been content to sit in the car and cry.  We walked through the doors and I walked up to a table.  Y’all, nearly the first thing I saw was a sign that said “Today’s Trials are Tomorrows Testimonies”.  And you can bet I bought that right up.  Perfect timing, perfect placement and a perfect statement.  I have it sitting right in my office beside my desk to continually remind me just whose battle this is.  I know God is going before me and preparing my heart for every situation.

Thank you so much for your prayers.  Prayer is a powerful thing and God hears each and every one of them.  Y’all are the best prayer warriors!!