Forever Beloved

If you found your way here, chances are you are a wife with a higher sex-drive than your husband.  And I want you to know one thing.

You are NOT a freak, nympho or an anomaly.

We’ve always been told men have a higher libido than women.  This is nothing more than a narrow, stereotypical category. With that being such a prominent belief in our culture, it makes women with high sex-drives feel like freaks of nature.  Y’all, you are not alone!

But the research on women who have high sex drives is still small. Instead, researchers focus on the complexities of women’s experiences or women who have problematically low sexual desire.

Sheila Gregoire from To Love, Honor and Vacuum surveyed several thousand women and about 1000 men, and she found that 24% of wives had higher sex drives than their husbands.  I can definitely say with plenty of certainty, that there are many wives out there with a higher sexual desire than their husbands.  Another post I read said this number is closer to 30%.

Many times this higher desire can often leave wives feeling unloved, unwanted and often unattractive.

While I don’t have a huge amount of research or statistics to point you to so that you can know just how often women have a higher sex-drive than their husband, I want to use this post to speak to the wife that would like to have sex more frequently.

Maybe the high libido wife is what God intended

Hear me out on this.  Though there have been few studies done, what studies have shown is wives in cultures that don’t have sexual shame or sexual guilt tend to have higher sex drives.  Shame, guilt and a lack of sexual education all play into women’s libidos.  With us knowing that, perhaps a high drive wife is what God intended.

We know God created sex, He made is enjoyable on BOTH sides and it was important to Him as a part of marriage.  He wants us to enjoy sex and yearn for it.  The fact that so many women don’t experience that it more a result of the fall, when sin entered the world.  Along with sin came shame and discord.  I don’t believe God intended women to have have trouble reaching orgasm and not desiring sex at all.

Think about which scenario looks more like Gods design: a wife who enjoys sex or one where she struggles?  I would think the first, right?  Even though it may be more frequent for women to struggle sexually doesn’t mean that is what was intended.  I think the high drive wife is closer to God’s design, so don’t feel like you’re a freak!

His low drive may not be a medical or unfaithfulness problem

Chances are you’ve done a Google search on why your husband doesn’t want to have sex as much as you do.  And you’ve gotten two recommendations: his testosterone is low or he’s having an affair.  At that moment your mind began reeling.  You thought back to that one time he seemed like he might have been hiding something on his phone and that one day he got home a little later than you thought he should have.

Now, if we’re being honest, those could be factors that would effect his drive.  But there are other factors that I would touch on before I jumped to those conclusions.

Sometimes he just needs to know you love him and you want him.  He needs to be encouraged that he’s good at it and makes you feel loved and wanted.

He might just need more rest.  Being too tired can wipe the desire right out of him and cause erection issues.  Maybe y’all just need to go to bed earlier.

Maybe he just needs to know you’d like to have sex more, and y’all need to have an open and honest conversation about it.

I’m not discrediting that he may have a testosterone issue, and he may benefit from having it tested.  But just know there could be other reasons for it.

Talk to God about your sex life

Somewhere someone just read this, rolled their eyes and scoffed.  Along the way we forgot that God created sex.  We believe it’s this super secretive never-to-be-spoken-of thing.  If God created sex to be good and enjoyable, why would He not want us to pray for help when we are experiences an issue?  We will pray for help in our finances, for doctors appointments, for heart issues, for our family and friends, for our children and for that stranger you saw on the street asking for money.  But yet we think it’s wrong to pray for our sex life with our spouse?

I truly believe that prayer works wonders in every single aspect of our lives.  And that includes marital intimacy.

Pray that God will give you direction on how to approach your husband in ways that he’ll be more receptive to your sexual advances.  Pray for the right words that will encourage him and not make him feel worse.  Thank God that he put that man in your life.  Thank Him that you are attracted to your husband and that He gave you sexual desire for him.  And then, pray that God will increase your husband’s desire for you.

And in your prayers, ask God to highlight any areas you might need to change.  If you have any actions or are saying any words causing your husband pain, ask God to point them out.

It’s normal to feel lonely and unloved when you ask your spouse for sex and they don’t seem interested

When your husband isn’t interested in sex, the first thing we do as women is think it’s because we’re unattractive.  You wonder why he doesn’t want you the way you expected any red-blooded male would dive into the opportunity to have sex.  Maybe it’s because I’ve gained 10 pounds.  Maybe it’s because I don’t wear makeup as often as I used to.  Maybe he hates my hair.  Maybe it’s because I’ve aged and have wrinkles and cellulite now.  Maybe I’m not his type anymore.  Maybe he wants a younger woman.  Maybe I’m just the weird one whose husband doesn’t want them sexually anymore.

Ladies, please stop doing this to yourselves.

I know it’s easy for those feelings of loneliness, unwanted, unloved and misunderstood to creep in.  I understand that’s our first response and the enemy LOVES that this is our go to.

Spend some time in prayer asking God to remove these lies from your heart.

Please don’t refer to him as the woman in the relationship

Can you even imagine how emasculating it would be to your husband to hear you refer to him as “the woman” in your marriage?

Your husband needs to feel manly and he needs you to encourage his masculinity.  His sex drive is not what makes him a man.

We need to change the way we express our thoughts about this.  Just state the facts “I have a higher sex drive than my husband.  And I really wish we could make love more often.”

When we say thoughtless things out of our pain it will cause more pain for our husband.  And we sure don’t want that.

It could actually be a medical issue

Sometimes a husband struggles to keep an erection, and some men particularly struggle with maintaining the erection for intercourse.  In order to maintain an erection, you need strong, healthy blood flow.  This is called erectile dysfunction. Some medical conditions, such as diabetes and heart disease, interfere with proper blood flow.

According to the National Institute of Health, chronic erectile dysfunction (ED) affects 4% of men in their 50s, 17% of men in their 60s, and 47% of men over 75. Temporary ED affects about 50% of men between 40 and 70.  About 70 percent of chronic ED has physical roots, while the rest has psychological and emotional roots.

Erectile dysfunction affects the man more than we will ever understand as women.  It’s embarrassing, emasculating and not something they will be anxious to talk about.  If he does open up to you about it, please choose your words so carefully.  You don’t want to pile shame on top of an already embarrassing issue.  Be understanding and let him know you’re partners in life and you’ll figure out a way together to work through this!

And don’t be afraid to encourage him to try Viagra. It doesn’t make him less of a man or make him a failure. Lots of us need to wear glasses because our eyes aren’t perfect.  If you need something to give you a boost because your body isn’t perfect, that’s totally okay.

You both matter

Both of you matter – his sex drive and yours.  Ideally you work together to find a level of physical intimacy that satisfies you both.  If the lower-drive spouse isn’t there yet, it doesn’t mean the higher-drive spouse should suppress their desire to be sexually intimate with them.  You may have a bigger hill to climb to get to where you want to go, but girl get your shoes on and start walking. Because your sex drive, and your sex life, matters.  It matters to you and to your marriage.  God cares about you both and He wants you to enjoy sexual intimacy in your marriage.  And that is a goal worth pursuing!

You will likely need patience, wisdom, and perseverance, but aren’t those qualities we always need when we’re stretched to grow in our lives?