Forever Beloved

Dear sweet, beautiful girl…

When I first heard that you were dating my son, I may have rolled my eyes.  It wasn’t anything against you, I promise.  I just wasn’t into the possible drama that would ensue.  I didn’t want my household dynamics to change.  I didn’t want to lose time with him to someone else.  Basically, I was selfish.  I had a hard time believing anyone would be good enough for my son.

And then I met you.

The first time I saw the two of you together I knew you were a sweetheart.  I could see the way you looked at my son, how you hung on his every word and how easily he made you laugh.  I knew, at that very moment, it was my time to step aside.

My job as his Mama was to welcome you into my family with open arms.  I pray I did that well.

Years ago, as I held that sweet little toe-headed boy in my arms and gently rocked him to sleep, I began praying for you.  As I watched my son grow, I prayed that God would create a woman to love him just for who God made him to be, and that He would bring you both together in His timing.  Oh, if you only knew how much you have been prayed for.  I prayed for your protection, your purity and your heart.  I prayed for a girl who would always love Jesus more than my son.  That’s exactly what we got.

Throughout the years, I couldn’t possibly imagine another woman coming first in his life.  He was my baby, my firstborn, my sweetheart, my bubby and will always be.  But I never want you to think that because he is my heart and soul that I will always agree with the things he does.  Know that if he hurts you or disrespects you, he will have me to answer to.  And believe me, no one wants that.  He has been shown by his Father and his Pap how to respectfully treat a woman and please have no doubt that he is being held to that same high standard.

As much as I try to be, I am not a perfect Mother.  I will mess up.  And sometimes those mess ups are real doozys.  But please understand that when I do, I am more devastated then you could ever imagine.  And if you ever feel like I have overstepped or hurt you in some way, I pray that you will sit me down and talk to me about it.  Our relationship is very important to me, and I hope you never doubt that.

There are a few things I want to share with you today…

1.  You are beautiful, don’t ever let anyone tell you different.  Not only were you blessed with physical beauty, but you have a heart like no other.  Always remember God gave us, as women, the gift of softness, femininity and beauty. It’s our responsibility to convey those with respect.  Allow your appearance to reflect your pure and virtuous heart. Know your worth and reflect it on the outside.

2. This boy of mine.  He is tenacious.  He is faithful.  He is generous.  He is a spitfire.  He is ridiculously stubborn.  But, when he is in, he’s all in.  You never have to doubt his commitment.  He loves deeply, with everything that is in him.  He is ten­derhearted, in that hard, rugged way.  But, I think you know all of that.  Be careful with him.  Your words have great power to build him up or to tear him down. Never forget the power you have.  Proverbs 14:1 teaches us that “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.” Yes, yes, and yes.  That is a hard concept to grasp.  I’m still trying to get it right after 24 years of marriage.  Choose the good.  Choose the joy.  Choose the love.  Choose tenderness and compassion.  You’ll be blessed so much more with those.

3. You are a daughter of the King and a complete gift.  Treat yourself with the respect that you deserve as a lady.  Don’t unwrap the beauty of who you are for anyone.  My son has been taught to do the same for you.  Please protect your heart, your mind and your body.  It will be worth it.

4. Remember to love the Lord with all your heart, mind, and strength, and love your neighbors as yourself.  These truths, combined with the strength of your wonderful character, have the power to change the world.

5. God has amazingly big plans for your life!  Always follow His lead, even if that means taking the hard road.  I promise, He will take you amazing places.

It takes a special girl to fit into our crazy.  And somehow, you do it with ease.  You walked into our lives and it felt like you were always there.

And watching the absolutely adorable relationship you have with his sister makes my Mama heart melt.  You purposed to create a special bond with her.  You two are more like sisters, minus the fighting over clothes thing.  Thank you for loving my sweet girl, she thinks the world of you.

And thank you for loving me.  Thank you for the thoughtfulness you put into the words you say.  And the way that you say them.  Your kindness is the sweetest.  Your beautiful heart shines from your face.

Writing this, it might sound like I have it altogether.  Would it surprise you to know I’m crying?  Probably not, because that’s something we have in common.  We’re both criers.  And I know you have tears running down your face reading this.

It’s hard to have a boy so wonderful as mine and know you’ll have to give him up someday.  My Mama heart will be breaking all around the edges.  I’m being honest.  But I know as sure as I sit here, tears rolling down my cheeks, that there’s no girl in the world I’d rather release him to…than you.

This.  This is why.  I’ve never seen my baby so happy.  Ever.  I’ve never watched him protect and love someone like he loves you.  I’ve never watched someone make him a better man just by their presence.  And I’ve never been more sure of God’s plan for his life than when I see the two of you together.

I love you, pretty girl.  Thank you for sweetly loving my son.

Just get over it.

Stop worrying then.

Learn how to deal with life.

It’s time to grow up.

Stop babying her.

I’ve heard every one of those statements when speaking to someone about my daughters anxiety disorder.  I truly believe these comments come from a heartfelt place, I have to believe that.  Otherwise they would, and sometimes do, break my heart.  And though those statements are hard to hear, and send a pang of sadness to my heart, I know it’s simply because they are uneducated about anxiety disorders.

So with this blog post, I want to give you a glimpse into parenting a child that has been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, slight OCD and Dyslexia.

With an anxiety disorder, the anxiety is daily, if not multiple times a day. It can happen during the day, or it can wake you out of a sound sleep. The symptoms are countless; heavy breathing, weakness, dizziness, difficulty breathing, vomiting, racing heart, migraines, mental exhaustion and a list of symptoms that can go on for pages. Once the attack is over, physical exhaustion sets in.

I’m in these trenches daily, and I can assure you that just getting over it isn’t a possibility.  If it was, don’t you think she would have chose that option a long time ago?  The debilitating problem with anxiety and panic disorders is that you simply can’t calm down.  There’s this stigma about anxiety that it’s just fear and being nervous. That doesn’t even come close.

Many times with her anxiety attacks, she has no idea what the trigger even was.  Waking in the middle of the night in the middle of an attack.  Lying in bed at night reading a book, and an attack comes on.  How do you prepare yourself for those?

Do you know how many teens are in crisis? In the throes of mental illness or depression?  MILLIONS.  So do the math: that means millions of parents are suffering alongside teens that are suffering.

An easy target for judgment or shame, so many families in crisis struggle alone, afraid, embarrassed or just too exhausted to reach out.  Society expects three-year-olds to act like raging lunatics, but yet we don’t know what to do with a teen that has debilitating anxiety attacks.

Because we live in a society where blame has to be placed, so often parents get the side eye: What did you do wrong?  What didn’t you do right?  What could you have done differently?  Why do you baby them?  There is no parenting formula that ensures any child’s path.  Families in crisis don’t need a jury of their peers; they need a community of support.

Then there is the very real reality of mental illness and emotional disorders that many teens are battling.  If a child had liver failure, we would support those parents wanting to go to the ends of the earth for medical care.  We would be the greatest support network, and all the earth would rally to fight for their health.  Yet, so many of our teens are physically broken in their minds and hearts.  But instead of a chorus of support, their families receive silence or judgment or disappointment which compounds grief and lays a heavy yoke on those who are already suffering.

Now, on to another ouchy part of this post.

Anxiety tends to be one of those touchy subjects that is tough to tackle from a Christian perspective.  This isn’t to paint the Church with broad strokes.  I don’t want to come off as saying every Christian in every church thinks this way.  That isn’t true.  I’m thankful to have a church-family that is understanding, caring and always willing to learn more about anxiety.  Incorrect beliefs about mental illness are throughout our culture, Christian or not.

One very popular Pastor, and college professor, actually preached an entire sermon, and wrote a blog post, on this topic:

Anxiety is one of the evil conditions of the heart that comes from unbelief.

To say that left me stunned and shocked is an understatement.

My daughter is a Christian and loves God with all her sweet little heart.  But Christians are not immune to anxiety disorders.  One sad idea that exists in some Christian circles is that anxiety is  spiritual in nature.  Some Christians sincerely believe that a person should not experience anxiety if they just have enough faith and trust in God.  As you see above from the Pastors sermon topic, some Christians not only believe that but preach about it.  I’m here to tell you that is simply not true.  That is like saying someone with a broken arm didn’t have enough faith BUT if they had greater faith it would be healed.

Also, as Christians, we shouldn’t discourage the use of medications in treating anxiety disorders or other mental health problems.  We wouldn’t dismiss a diabetic who uses insulin or a cancer patient who uses chemo as someone who obviously doesn’t trust God enough.  In the same way, we shouldn’t look at those who take medication for anxiety as somehow lacking in their faith.

Here is what you can do for a fellow Christ-follower that struggles with anxiety.  Pray for them and with them.  Love on them.  Encourage them to seek counseling, faith-based if possible.  Check in with them.  Let them know that we serve a God who knows brokenness.  A God who is well acquainted with pain.  And since He also knows everlasting life, He is with them even in the midst of a heart-thundering anxiety attack.  His presence doesn’t mean we won’t suffer hard things.  Some of our struggles may never go away, but He is with us in the midst of them, keeping us, helping us.  Anxiety will tell them you can’t handle this.  But the truth is with God we are stronger than we think, because in our weakness He is the strongest!

I want you to know what it’s like to be a Mama to a child with severe anxiety.  I want you to read my words.  To feel, if even for a moment, how I feel.  And to try your best to understand.

It is sitting in the bathroom with your 5-year-old daughter during a thunderstorm.  Reassuring her that it will be over soon.  And sitting patiently with her while she vomits for hours.

It is climbing to the very top of an inside playground, because my 6-year-old is frozen in fear and afraid to come down herself.

It is your 7-year-old enduring two months of bedtime vomiting because she thinks she may have ate something that would cause her to die.

It is taking your third-grader to therapy for an eating disorder.  Telling her that even though they had an assembly on “healthy eating”, that doesn’t mean she should just choose not to eat for fear of every food choice being unhealthy.

It is countless trips to the school to sit through meetings.  Listening to her be called lazy, inattentive and compared to her older brother.  Begging for years for them to listen to my mother instinct, and test her for dyslexia.  And endlessly being my daughters advocate.

It is always ordering her food for her and speaking for her because of her fear of saying the wrong thing.

It is always accompanying her to the buffet because of her fear of going alone.

It is avoiding any stress that will cause an instant trip to the bathroom to vomit.  It is always having a plan and a way out.

It is taking your 14-year-old into a funeral home.  And when you walk in, she freezes and is unable to speak or walk.  It is helping her through the funeral home until you can get her to the car.

It is scurrying to shut the TV or radio off as soon as a storm or tornado warning comes on, and hoping she didn’t hear it.

It is watching her suffer through a flair-up that lasts weeks on end.  Daily vomiting and losing nearly 20 pounds.

It is listening to, and talking about, the same topic every day because her body won’t let her mind rest about it.

It is your Mama heart breaking over and over again because you feel so helpless, but wish you could take it for her.  And crying silent tears into your pillow.  I can reassure her. I can encourage her and prepare her for change, but I can not take her anxiety away.

It is having a front seat to her life, watching her grow into a kind, tenderhearted Jesus loving girl.  A girl who has such a heart for kids with special needs because of her own struggles.

It is listening to her quote verses and telling you the night before she prayed during her anxiety attack.

It is so much more than just needing to grow up and learn to deal with life.  This is our life.  This is our normal.