Forever Beloved

By the time I was 19 years old, I found myself consumed daily by fear.  Paralyzing debilitating fear.

Let me share with you my story.

While in college, my friends introduced me to a boy.  He wasn’t exactly my type, but I ignored my gut feeling and began dating him.  Not long into the relationship the “red flags” began to appear.  At first I thought maybe I was overthinking things and I didn’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill.  Then one day pretty early into our relationship came the story of his ex-girlfriend.  He explained how furious he was when she broke up with him.  He told me how he parked down the road and waited until she left her house, then went in and put a pan of grease on her stove and turned the burner on high.  Essentially, he burnt her house down.  Was this story true?  I still have no idea.  Was it meant to scare me?  Absolutely, and it worked.

As the relationship went on, It quickly turned abusive emotionally, mentally and physically.  I will never forget the day my Mom voiced her opposition to our relationship.  He asked me to drive him to his house to get a gun so he could shoot her.  I don’t know if he would have, but it was one more way for him to add fear and keep me under his thumb.

My group of friends had been begging me to end the abusive relationship.  One day, while sitting in class chatting with them, I finally got up the courage to end it.  With help from them, we devised a plan.  He lived a half-hour from me.  So, I knew if I did it over the phone it would take him at least a half hour to get there.  If I packed my bag ahead of time, I could leave as soon as we hung up. That would give me time to get in my car and drive to a friends house.

I was scared to death, my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, but I picked up the phone to make that call. 

With my voice shaking, I said the words.  I want to break up.  He was instantly furious; screaming, swearing, throwing and breaking things.  In the background his Mom started yelling to me to run, he was on his way to my house.  With that, I hung up the phone and ran out the door.  I drove to a friends house an hour away.  I will never forget that drive and the fear I felt the entire time, continuously wondering if the car behind me was him.

The next morning, as I pulled into college I couldn’t wait to tell my friends how brave I was!  And then my heart dropped.  He was standing there waiting for me.  He had spent the entire night walking the 40 miles to my school.  My friends met me at my car, surrounded me and walked me in to my class.  As class started, I looked out the door and there he stood, glaring at me.  He stood there through that class, and the next two.  Eventually my Mom came to the school and he left.

I wish I could say it ended there.

Three days later he was admitted to a mental facility by his parents.  I was so relieved, he couldn’t hurt me while he was there.  The fear managed to reach through those walls, as he continually called me from there.  When he got out, the stalking began.  I was followed, I was chased, I was ran off the road, I had rocks spun all over my car and I cannot count the phone calls I received.  At one point he stopped at my house and recounted my entire previous weekend.

I will never forget the day I was home alone and he pulled in.  Thankfully, I already had all the doors locked.  Grabbing the phone, I hid under my bed and called my friend as he pounded on the door screaming for me to open it.  I prayed that he wouldn’t remember where our spare key was hidden.  I told my friend what he was doing, saying and driving so if anything DID happen to me, someone would know.  The fear seemed to swallow me in that moment.  The fear was so real, the moment so traumatizing, just thinking of it can take me back to that day.

A few months later I started dating my husband.  He told me about a night, before we met, where he had actually spoken to my ex.  He noticed that in the stalkers car, he had pictures of me taped to his dash.  When my husband asked him who I was, my stalker told him it was his girlfriend.  He then pulled a gun out from under his seat and showed him.  He said that if he ever found her with another guy he was going to shoot the guy, shoot her and then shoot himself.  Praise the Lord that never happened!  But just hearing what his plans were added to my fear and constant feeling of always have to look behind me.

Once I was married and had babies, the fear got worse.  It wasn’t just myself I needed to protect anymore, now I had two sweet babies I had to protect as well!

Fear had beaten me down and strangled the life from me.  I lived every day wondering if that was the day something horrible would happen.  The fear would appear out of nowhere, and a normal conversation would end with me in tears.  Many days I felt defeated by fear.  Every time the phone rang my heart would plummet and my stomach would churn.  I wasn’t living my life to the fullest, fear was running my life.  That’s what fear does.  It strangles, paralyzes, crushes and shatters.  It grips our soul and snatches every dream.  What once was the joy of the Lord somehow becomes replaced with hopelessness.  Fear encourages us to give up and accept the misery of existence versus the excitement of a God-led pursuit.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Many of us struggle with fear, allowing it to take our voice and strangle us.  There are still times when I struggle with fear.  Yet, Jesus paid for us to have a life full of joy, free from fear and worry.  How do you overcome fear that, to you, isn’t irrational at all?  Overcoming abuse, and the fear that it created, has felt to me harder than overcoming a fear of the dark or my totally irrational fear of spiders.  As we all know though, with God all things are possible!

I find great comfort that Jesus understands abuse.  He suffered great abuse and even death to give us life.  I’m sure He understands the fear and scars that abuse leaves behind.

It’s important to know that fear didn’t come from the Lord.  Fear was given to us by Satan as a way to keep us distracted and off course for the plans the Lord has for us.  Satan deliberately exploits our fears.  He knows when our eyes are on our fears, they can’t be firmly planted on God.

In Psalm 119:105 we’re told His word is like a lamp to our feet, and a light to our path.  Light always overcomes the dark!  Surround yourself with God’s word, like your favorite fluffy blanket you snuggle in to watch TV, we can find absolute comfort in the words God wrote for our lives.  He wrote them to guide us and light our path.  Write verses on note cards and place them around your house.  Place them on your mirror, so you can read them every morning while you’re getting ready.  You could put them on your fridge, in your car, in your purse and anywhere else they’ll be visible to you throughout the day.  Here is a great list of verses for overcoming fear!

I think it’s important to note that “Fear not” or “Be not afraid” is said in the Bible 103 times.  But “Fear” is spoken of over 500 times.  Many times it’s saying “Fear God,” which really means reverence God alone and do not fear anyone or anything else.  If we expanded the search to look at verses encouraging us not to worry or not to be anxious it would add many, many more “Fear not” Scriptures.

Let your fears lead you directly to Jesus and lay them at His feet.  Continually take them there; daily, hourly or minute-by-minute if you need to.  In our fear, we find strength we never knew we had!  Strength from the One whose strength alone is all we need.  In our weakness, He is strong.  He loves to beautifully carry us through our darkest hours.  He puts it to rest so we can move forward.  In His grace and for His glory.

It’s not about not being afraid, but about trusting in a God who is greater than even our biggest fear and resting in His promise to “fear not”!