Forever Beloved

Just get over it.

Stop worrying then.

Learn how to deal with life.

It’s time to grow up.

Stop babying her.

Spank her more.

I’ve heard every one of those statements, and more, when speaking to someone about my daughters anxiety disorder.  I truly believe these comments come from a heartfelt place, I have to believe that.  Otherwise they would, and sometimes do, break my heart.  And though those statements are hard to hear, and send a pang of sadness to my heart, I know it’s simply because they are uneducated about anxiety disorders.

So with this blog post, I want to give you a glimpse into parenting a child that has been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, slight OCD and Dyslexia.

With an anxiety disorder, the anxiety is daily, if not multiple times a day. It can happen any time during the day, even waking you out of a sound sleep. The symptoms are countless; heavy breathing, weakness, dizziness, difficulty breathing, vomiting, racing heart, migraines, mental exhaustion.  A list of symptoms that could quite literally go on for pages. Once the attack is over, physical exhaustion sets in.

I’m in these trenches daily, and I can assure you that just getting over it isn’t a possibility.  If it was, don’t you think she would have chose that option a long time ago?  The debilitating problem with anxiety and panic disorders is that you simply can’t calm down.  There’s this stigma surrounding anxiety that it’s nothing more than fear and being nervous. That doesn’t even come close.

Many times with my daughters anxiety attacks, she has no idea what the trigger even was.  She could be sitting at the table eating breakfast, lying in bed reading a book or it could wake her from a sound sleep.  How do you prepare yourself for those?

Anxiety constantly lies to you.  It doesn’t matter how many times you reassure them that everything is okay, and even if they know it’s true.  The monster of anxiety will still assure them, louder than anything else, that everything is wrong, nothing is right, every bad thing that could possibly happen is certainly going to happen and there’s simply no other alternative.  You lose your bearings, lose your vision to see any real future, and feel isolated and alone in what was formerly a safe and familiar world.  Anxiety convinces you that you’ve ruined everything you’ve ever touched, that you are responsable for every problem you have, that nothing will ever change and that you will never succeed.  It’s so real and in their state of panic, it feels more real than anything else.

In that panic, anxiety screams new truths and new realities that you have no choice but to believe.

Have you ever been in a temporary state of seriously elevated anxiety?  That feeling that your heart is in your throat and your stomach has dropped through the ground—it’s that real to someone suffering from daily anxiety.  It’s panic.  When panic hits, it takes over, and invokes an immediate and overwhelming need for escape.  Except there is no escape from anxiety, they just have to live with it.

Do you know how many teens are in crisis?  In the throes of mental illness or depression?  MILLIONS.  So do the math: that means millions of parents are suffering alongside teens that are suffering.

An easy target for judgment or shame, so many families in crisis struggle alone, afraid, embarrassed or just too exhausted to reach out.  Society expects three-year-olds to act like raging lunatics, but yet we don’t know what to do with a teen that has debilitating anxiety attacks.

Because we live in a society where blame has to be placed, so often parents get the side eye: What did you do wrong?  What didn’t you do right?  What could you have done differently?  Why do you baby them?  There is no parenting formula that ensures any child’s path.  Families in crisis don’t need a jury of their peers; they need a community of support.

Then there is the very real reality of mental illness and emotional disorders that many teens are battling.  If a child had liver failure, we would support those parents wanting to go to the ends of the earth for medical care.  We would be the greatest support network, and all the earth would rally with them to fight for their health.  Yet, so many of our teens are physically broken in their minds and hearts.  But instead of a chorus of support, their families receive silence or judgment or disappointment which compounds grief and lays a heavy yoke on those who are already suffering.

Now, on to another ouchy part of this post.

Anxiety tends to be one of those touchy subjects that is tough to tackle from a Christian perspective.  This isn’t to paint the Church with broad strokes.  I don’t want to come off as saying every Christian in every church thinks this way.  That simply isn’t true.  I’m thankful to have a church-family that is understanding, caring and always willing to listen and learn more about anxiety.  Incorrect beliefs about mental illness are throughout our culture, Christian or not.

One very popular Pastor, and college professor, actually preached an entire sermon, and wrote a blog post, on this topic:

Anxiety is one of the evil conditions of the heart that comes from unbelief.

To say that left me stunned and shocked is an understatement.

My daughter is a Christian and loves God with all her sweet little heart.  But Christians are not immune to anxiety disorders any more than they are immune to cancer.  One sad idea that exists in some Christian circles is that anxiety is spiritual in nature.  Some Christians sincerely believe that a person should not experience anxiety if they just have enough faith and trust in God more than they do now.  As you see above from the Pastors sermon topic, some Christians not only believe that but preach about it.  I’m here to tell you that is simply not true.  That is like saying someone with a broken arm didn’t have enough faith BUT if they had greater faith and just prayed a little harder it would be healed.

The truth is, Christians get anxiety disorders at roughly the same rate as everyone else.  This should not be a surprise.  After all, Christians catch colds as often as everyone else.  Christians get cancer or heart disease or high blood pressure at the same rate as everyone else.  No one thinks of these things as spiritual failings.   Anxiety disorders are what happen to a person when the brain’s fire-alarm center—the amygdala—gets a “chemical burn” from bathing too long in stress chemicals, making it hypersensitive and over-reactive to new problems.  Anxiety Disorders are not a failure of character or spiritual maturity.  They are what happens when the brain’s stress-warning systems become overwhelmed and hyper-activated.

Also, as Christians, we shouldn’t discourage the use of medications in treating anxiety disorders or other mental health problems.  We wouldn’t dismiss a diabetic who uses insulin or a cancer patient who uses chemo as someone who obviously doesn’t trust God enough.  In the same way, we shouldn’t look at those who take medication for anxiety as somehow lacking in their faith.

Here is what you can do for a fellow Christ-follower that struggles with anxiety.  Pray for them and with them.  Love on them.  Encourage them to seek counseling, faith-based if possible.  Check in with them.  Let them know that we serve a God who knows brokenness.  A God who is well acquainted with pain.  And since He also knows everlasting life, He is with them even in the midst of a heart-thundering anxiety attack.  His presence doesn’t mean we won’t suffer hard things.  Some of our struggles may never go away, but He is with us in the midst of them, keeping us, helping us.  Anxiety will tell them you can’t handle this.  But the truth is with God we are stronger than we think, because in our weakness He is the strongest!

I want you to have a glimpse into my world and to know what it’s like to be a Mama to a child with severe anxiety.  I want you to read my words.  To feel, if even for a moment, how I feel.  And to try your best to understand.

It is sitting in the bathroom with your 5-year-old daughter during a thunderstorm.  Reassuring her that it will be over soon.  And sitting patiently with her while she vomits for hours.

It is climbing to the very top of an inside playground, because your 6-year-old is frozen in fear and afraid to come down herself.

It is your 7-year-old enduring two months of bedtime vomiting because she thinks she may have ate something that would cause her to die.

It is taking your third-grader to therapy for an eating disorder.  Telling her that even though they had an assembly on “healthy eating” at school, that doesn’t mean she should just choose not to eat for fear of every food choice being unhealthy.

It is countless trips to the school to sit through meetings.  Listening to her be called lazy, inattentive and compared to her older brother.  Begging for years for them to listen to my mother instinct, and test her for dyslexia.  And endlessly being my daughters advocate.

It is always ordering her food for her and speaking for her because of her fear of saying the wrong thing.

It is always accompanying her to the buffet because of her fear of going alone.

It is avoiding any stress that will cause an instant trip to the bathroom to vomit.  It is always having a plan and a way out.

It is taking your 14-year-old into a funeral home.  And when you walk in, she freezes and is unable to speak or walk.  It is helping her through the funeral home until you can get her to the car.

It is scurrying to shut the TV or radio off as soon as a storm or tornado warning comes on, and hoping she didn’t hear it.

It is watching her suffer through a flair-up that lasts weeks on end because of a friendship breakup, daily vomiting and losing nearly 20 pounds.

It is listening to, and talking about, the same topic every day because her body won’t let her mind rest about it.

It is your Mama heart breaking over and over again because you feel so helpless, but wish you could take it for her.  And crying silent tears into your pillow.  I can reassure her. I can encourage her and prepare her for change, but I can not take her anxiety away.

It is having a front seat to her life, watching her grow into a kind, tenderhearted Jesus loving girl.  A girl who has such a heart for kids with special needs because of her own struggles.

It is listening to her quote verses and telling you the night before she prayed during her anxiety attack.

It is so much more than just needing to grow up and learn to deal with life.  This is our life.  This is our normal.

I’m super excited to partner with thinkbaby.org today for this blog post.  Thinkbaby is a fabulous resource for parenting advice, product recommendations for parents and a great place for Mama’s to gain knowledge from other supportive Mama’s.  They have everything from The Top Five Safest Mini Cribs for Small Spaces to Important Lessons I’ve Learned as a Mother.  Please take time to check out their fabulous site!

When I was a child, there were many days I worked alongside my Dad.  I was an only child so when he needed a helper, it was me.  He taught me how to put shingles on a house, change my own oil and how to change a flat tire (that was accompanied by a lesson on not ever depending on anyone to do these things for me).  He taught me how to drive a 1946 John Deere H, and how to not get the narrow front wheels down in the furrow.  He taught me how to sharpen mower blades, how to replace a universal joint on a ’69 Chevy and how to put on a exhaust myself (that was accompanied by a lesson on ability…I woke to the parts and a note on the table “have the exhaust on the car when I get home”).  He taught me how to mix bondo and how to braze.  He taught me my hands will always wash off, so don’t be afraid to get them dirty.

During all my days of helping him, there were five little words he would always tell me.

Better than I could do.

Regardless of the job, how I did it, what my performance or attitude was his answer was always the same…that was better than I could do.  It was always accompanied by a pat on the back and a huge smile.

And I assure you, there were days my attitude wasn’t the best.  Especially the nights I had to hold the treble light at 9 pm and pump the grease gun.  Oh, how I wanted to be inside snuggled up with a book.  And I always gave that grease gun one extra pump after he said “that’s good”.  Thinking back now, I probably needed a switchin’ for having a bad attitude.  But I would still hear those same familiar words…that was better than I could do.

There was so much power in those few spoken words.

From those words I’ve always believed I could do anything.  I’ve always believed if someone else could do it, I could do it too.  I’ve never once doubted my ability to complete any task given me.  I’ve never been afraid to jump into a job headfirst, no matter the size.  I’ve never been afraid to jump in and help my husband, even if the job meant I would be covered in grease or coal dirt.  I’ve never felt there were jobs only the “men” can do.  Many hands make little work, so if I can jump in and help I know it will not only go quicker but will make it easier for my husband to have a helper.

Those words helped shape and mold me into the woman I am today.

Oh parents, please don’t be afraid to praise your children.  A sweet, gentle and kind spirit from a parent makes such a huge impact in a child’s life.  The purpose of encouragement and praise is to increase positive behavior with the child’s knowledge.  Everybody responds well to praise, even adults.

As parents, we have the power to use our words to build our children up or tear them down.  One of the most powerful parenting tools that we can use is the power of positive affirmation through words.  Children are like sponges, soaking in the messages around them, absorbing those messages into the fiber of their lives.  All of these messages, whether intentional or unintentional, have the opportunity of leading our children either closer to understanding their God-given value, or farther away.  Imagine the power of all the words breathed into them being positive and uplifting!

Words of encouragement are so so important to our children!  We see a perfect picture of an encouraging parent in Matthew 3:17, after Jesus is baptized, His Father makes it clear to all of us, just how He feels about His precious son. “And a voice from Heaven said, ‘This is my Son, whom I love, with him I am well pleased.’”

While we need to praise them for doing good things, we also need to speak words of encouragement to them for just being.  Remind them that they are always enough in Jesus.  That their identity is in Christ alone.  That God’s approval is all that matters.  Our words should also reflect to our children that they are God’s workmanship, precious and valuable to us apart from their actions, because they are God’s creation, fearfully and wonderfully made.  Speak this truth over them and to them on a regular basis.

It’s such a gift to be freed from a value that is based on what we do.  That puts the focus on a value that comes entirely because of who we are, precious children of the King.  In the same light, our children are valuable because they are our sons and daughters.  They reflect our image, and most importantly, they are made in the image of God!

I try to make a point to tell my children how precious they are to me.  Even if they make mistakes, I encourage them still.  No matter how old my children are, from time to time I will just tell them how proud I am of them, how great of a job they are doing and that I’m so blessed to be their Mama.

Take a moment today and praise your child.  If you see an area where they’re struggling, offer them some life-giving praise.  Speak those words out loud, speak them when you’re alone or in front of the rest of the family.  Make a point to praise them daily and then watch your child grow!

Even five little words can change a child’s life.