Forever Beloved

Faith, Love & Truth

Protecting Your Marriage

For years, I’ve felt God calling me to help restore marriages.  I remember telling my husband how I really felt God was giving me a heart for marriage, especially ones in crisis.

We live in very much a Pinterest and social media age.  Our private lives are more public than they’ve ever been.  And because of that many couples focus more on preparing a picture-perfect wedding day than they do their future marriage.

But cultivating a good marriage requires work and intention. 

We are no strangers to storybook romance.  Marrying at 20 and 22, we are blessed to be familiar with this form of love – love as a falling and a pursuit and a passion.  We were introduced for the first time on a cold February evening, bundled up as we stood outside while snow gently fell around us.  We stood there with our cherry-red noses, enamored with each other.

One month later we were engaged.

We were married three months after that, with vows breathed in the little country church I was born into.

We haven’t been together over half of our lives by chance.  Recently, we’ve examined our nearly 24 years of marriage and discussed not only why but how we got to where we are.  And how we could help others get there as well.

Through those conversations we’ve made a list of things God has taught us throughout the ridiculously blessed, hard years we’ve been married.  I pray they help you protect your marriage not only in the good seasons, but also when things feel out of control.

  • Keep God at the center of your marriage.  This is a lesson we learned the hard way. Marriage is difficult. Actually, difficult is an understatement.  Let’s be real here, there are going to be days you hope he chokes on his cereal.  The hardness of marriage is obvious when you see how many couples end in divorce. It’s two imperfect people living together, failing daily. The only way to make your marriage truly work is to center it on Christ. You have to rely on God for wisdom, power, love and strength for your marriage.  And forgiveness, for that one time you hoped he would choke.
  • Allow him to lead without stepping in the way.  This was a hard lesson for this stubborn, independent girl to learn.  Um, hello…I took the words honor and obey out of my marriage vows. I know, not my most shining moment.  I would tell him I wanted him to lead but then tell him he wasn’t doing it right.  Sure as the sun rises and sets, I’d step in and take over.  I wish I could say it was easy to stop, but I’m stubborn.  And it took lots (read this as an abnormal amount) of life lessons from God and probably the hardest heart work He’s ever done.
  • Don’t bad mouth your husband in front of your children or anyone else.  So help me, do not talk bad about him to others ever!  Build that man up.  Let him know that he is adequate, enough and that he has your respect.  The world will be cruel enough. Make sure he knows he always has a friend in you.  Not long ago my husband came home and simply said “thank you”.  He had spent time listening to others complain about their spouse, and he was grateful that he is able to trust I wouldn’t do that.
  • Don’t put your kids first.  Hear me out on this one. Don’t allow your mothering to take precedence over your marriage. Is being a Mama important? Well, absolutely! Pour your heart into those littles, but don’t neglect your man. I’ve watched marriages suffer because the kids were made top priority. The kids grow up, move out of the house and the parents look at each other like strangers. You have to nourish your marriage!
  • Never stop trying to improve your marriage.  We’ve been married for 23 gloriously hard years, and we are still looking for ways to improve.  Keep reading, keep learning, keep improving and don’t ever get comfortable and let your guard down.  If one thing doesn’t work, try something else.  The best advice I’ve heard is to run your marriage like a business.  Successful businesses are successful because of the amazing foundation they’re built on. I even think business meetings for your marriage are a great idea! I purchased The Marriage Journal written by Jeremy and Audrey Roloff, and I would highly recommend it as a tool for weekly meetings with your spouse! The journal has 6 questions that you will ask each other, and record your answers to, once a week. Each week also includes a devotional to help foster good conversation. There is a week long calendar page for you and your spouse to communicate about events, appointments, social gatherings, and big to-do’s in the upcoming week. You can purchase the journal HERE.
  • Let others know he is yours.  I don’t mean buy him one of those “I love my wife” shirts and making him wear it every other day.  Although once upon a time I may have bought my husband that exact shirt. I am one of those Facebook posters that loudly proclaims my love for my husband. Even though it’s possibly obnoxious I just can’t help it, I love that sweet man and I want everyone to know it.
  • Sex is important. No, it’s not everything…but it’s one notch below.  God designed sex and marriage to go hand in hand. God intended sex to create a oneness within our marriage. We don’t want to feel deprived and neither do our spouses.  I read a book a few years ago that was a sex game changer and I highly recommend it to all married couples.  It was Intimacy Ignited by Dr. Joseph and Linda Dillow and Dr. Peter and Lorraine Pintus.  Also, The Passion Principles by Shannon Ethridge.  You can also check out my posts from my Ignite Intimacy series here.
  • Never stop dating. We take every opportunity we can to sneak a date in.  Sometimes it’s just to get groceries and sometimes it’s a weekend away.  Date nights can keep you connected as a couple, which is especially good if you have kids.
  • Most fights are over stupid things. Honestly, stupid things that don’t really even matter.  I once spent an entire day furious at my husband for buying me the wrong value meal from McDonald’s.  I mean, after this long he should know what I like…right?  I could fill this blog post and four others with the absolutely ridiculous, stupid things I’ve gotten mad over.  When I was younger {okay, and even sometimes now} I always wanted to prove my point and have the last word.  I’ve learned it’s more important to prove your love than your point. And what’s the best way to do that?  Not arguing over dumb things.  And eating that burger, even though it has onions on it, and you hate onions, and he should know that.
  • Thank him.  We all like to be appreciated and know that what we do doesn’t go unnoticed. An attitude of gratitude creates a positive environment.  Some nights before we go to sleep, I simply thank him for loving me.
  • Never stop pursuing him. Write him love notes and tuck them in his lunchbox. Send him a racy text (I highly suggest knowing the location of his phone before this one). Tell him how much you appreciate him. Buy the stinkin’ lingerie that he likes on you, even if you feel it’s a waste of money. Kiss him and hold his hand, even if you’re in a horribly long checkout line at WalMart.  Pursue that mans heart daily.
  • Don’t be disrespectful.  Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. {Ephesians 5:33} I’ve read this verse over and over again trying to find a loophole.  There isn’t one.  It doesn’t say respect your husband only when you feel he deserves it, it doesn’t say he has to GIVE respect to GET respect and it’s certainly not up to us to deem when he is worthy of it. God was pretty clear with this verse, the wife MUST respect her husband. And for the love of all, do not talk bad about him to others ever!  I know I already said this above but y’all, it’s important!  Not even to your Mama.
  • Have fun together! One thing I can say about my husband and I is we know how to have fun, and laugh while doing anything!  Some of it may be at inappropriate times and places but at least we’re laughing.  You need to make sure you have fun together too! Fun is a key ingredient to a successful friendship. No one wants to spend time with a Debbie Downer (or someone that gets super mad over onions on their burger).  Laugh.  And laugh.  And laugh some more.

 

The Blogvember Challenge

Blogging is tough work y’all.  At times, it’s not the actual writing that gets difficult; instead, you’ll find yourself stuck figuring out what you even want to say.  We all hit dry periods in our writing.  Even seasoned bloggers can have days, weeks, or even months when the ideas won’t come and the words won’t flow.  When that happens, it can help to write through it.

But what are you going to write?

Fret no more, friends! Your days of struggling to come up with topics are over! At least for a month. I’ve participated in challenges like this in the past and I absolutely loved them!  So I thought why not just host one here.  And with that, I am so excited to introduce The Blogvember Challenge!

The Blogvember Challenge is a daily link up that will begin November 1st right here on my blog.  Below is a list of one prompt for every day of November.  Y’all, I already did all the hard work for you!  Each day you will be able to link up with everyone participating.  If you’re like me, writing ahead of time and scheduling blog posts makes my life so much easier so I wanted to share these ahead of time.  You can write whenever you’d like!

Consider this your official invitation!!  Will you join me for the #blogvemberchallenge?  The idea of posting every day for an entire month may seem intimidating at first, but with a little prep it will be totally manageable!

There really are no rules to this.  Feel free to follow one of the prompts, all of the prompts, or none of them. The main goal is to get us all writing together.  And along the way make new friends and learn more about our favorite bloggers!

Download graphic to share by clicking HERE

Above I have included a shareable graphic for this challenge.  You can download it and share to Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, in your blog posts or use it in the sidebar of your blog.  I have also provided a button in my side-bar that links back to this post, with the prompts listed.  That should save you from scrolling through lots of posts.  On each one of my person Blogvember posts, I will offer a link-up at the end.  Feel free to share your post there so we can all visit you!  If you share your posts on Twitter or Instagram, be sure to hashtag #blogvemberchallenge so we can all follow along!

If you’re in, let your readers know what’s coming up and give them the opportunity to join in as well.

Report back here on Friday, November 1, with your first post!

The Blogvember Daily Prompts

November 1 – Introduce yourself however you’d like.
November 2 – Tell us about your blog name.  What did it come from?
November 3 – What are your current goals?
November 4 – What five books have influenced your life the most?
November 5 – Who is your favorite male or female in the Bible?  How have they influenced your life?
November 6 – Write a letter to the 16-year-old you.
November 7 – Share a struggle you’re currently going through.  And give advice to others who may be facing the same struggle.
November 8 – What songs would be on the soundtrack of your life?
November 9 – How do you stay inspired?
November 10 – Share a household trick or trick, or a great DIY.
November 11 – Recap your day, week, month or year in pictures.
November 12 – Share your favorite holiday traditions.
November 13 – Review something.  A book, product, service or place…anything.
November 14 – What has God helped you learn from your biggest mistake?
November 15 – Give us a tour of your town/city.
November 16 – Make a list of your favorite blog posts you’ve written.
November 17 – Show us your favorite room in your house and give us a tour around it.
November 18 – Share your space for the day and grab a guest post.
November 19 – If you could give advice to a new blogger, what would it be?
November 20 – Share your favorite hymn.  Tell us why it’s your favorite and what it means to you.
November 21 – How do you de-stress?
November 22 – Give your favorite bloggers or Instagramers a shout out.  Why should we follow them too?
November 23 – List 10 things you love about yourself.  We’re giving that negative self-talk the boot today!
November 24 – What is your relationship status?  Are you engaged, married or walking through a beautiful season of singleness?
November 25 – Today is all about being brave!  Record a vlog and share it.
November 26 – Share a family recipe (but make sure to ask Mama first).
November 27 – What is your favorite Bible study you’ve ever done?
November 28 – Today is all about being thankful.  Tell us what you’re thankful for!
November 29 – Give us 10 topics we can blog about next month.
November 30 – A farewell coffee date.  Take some time to breathe, sip a warm drink, and share with your new blogging buddies.

I’m so excited to walk through the #blogvemberchallenge with y’all!  

NATIONAL NO BRA DAY {AND WHY I HATE IT}

This is a day that I dread, one that makes me cringe.  A day where I try my very best to stay away from all social media.  As many of you know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  And October 13 has been deemed national No Bra Day or Free the TaTas.

I am the daughter of a woman who not only fought breast cancer but won that fight. Not only one fight, but multiple times. Her fight spanned across many years, each one being tough in it’s own way.  From 1981 through 1989 she battled and fought.  And throughout it all, she only asked God for one thing…to allow her to live long enough to raise her daughter.

From her perspective, those years had to be frightening.  The first surgery she had in 1981, she nearly lost her life.  The cancer was more advanced than they first anticipated, and a partial mastectomy had to be performed.  The next battle resulted in a complete mastectomy.  And the last battle included chemo and radiation.

When she first found out she had cancer, I was only six years old.  I can remember playing with the neighbor kids and waving to her as my Grandpa took her to the hospital for her first surgery.  I can remember hearing whispers of her condition when I was around.  I can remember crying, because I just wanted my Mama home.  I can remember the look on her face the first time she showed me her changed body riddled with staples.  I can remember the nights she spent sick from chemo and radiation.  The days her stomach would only allow her to eat rice.  And the morning I found her passed out on the floor because her white blood cell count had dropped.

The intent of this post isn’t to gain sympathy, but rather to give you a glimpse of what the reality of breast cancer is.

Her and I have had many, many discussions about ‪No ‬Bra Day and Free the Tatas. And to a breast cancer survivor, to a woman who fought to live so she could raise her daughter, to a woman that spent many days sick from radiation and chemo, these campaigns are completely offensive.

National No Bra Day is not only offensive to a survivor but also trivializing, belittling, insulting and demeaning to the pain and suffering they’ve endured.

Click To Tweet

This is a great post from a survivor and I think sums up most of their thoughts on this:

The thought of seeing bra-less women flaunting two body parts that I have lost to cancer — more than I already see this on a regular day — does not feel all that supportive.  In fact, it feels quite the opposite

And as my Mama said:

It’s as much as them saying “Look, I have them and you don’t.”

I don’t understand how a day where women are encouraged to share photos of their braless breasts is to be “supportive” for women who are living with or who have died from breast cancer, or who have managed to ‘complete’ the arduous treatments and disfiguring surgeries required to put them into remission.

Answer this question: What does taking that bra off do? Does it bring research, awareness or education?

National No Bra Day was started in July of 2011 by Anastasia M. Doughnuts.  It was started through a Facebook event page and had 400,000 supporters.  It was so successful that it was repeated the following July.  Then someone had the bright idea to have a second No Bra Day annually on October 13th to piggyback on Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  The event page on Facebook for No Bra Day is quite clear in that the occasion is meant to celebrate breasts.  It doesn’t even mention breast cancer until the very last paragraph by stating “Breast Cancer is something you should take seriously and be checked for”.

This day, which many buy into, is nothing more than sexualizing breast cancer.  It’s sexualized by the slang used such as “Save 2nd base”, “Feel your boobies” and “Save the ta-tas”.  It’s sexualized by the provocative imagery used to raise funds and visibility.  It’s sexualized in the names of organizations created to promote breast cancer awareness, such as Coppafeel and Boobstagram.  It’s sexualized by social media users who use the campaign as a guise to post pictures of themselves topless with no intention of promoting breast cancer awareness or donating to research charities.  We’ve sexualized breast cancer so much that a popular porn site has even decided to cash in on it, donating a penny to charity for every 30 “boob-themed videos” watched.

And that, my friends, is sad.

Breast cancer isn’t sexy, it’s devastating.

It’s not only devastating but often times is also disfiguring.  Many women suffer with body image issues after breast cancer.  Ann Marie Giannino-Otis, who runs the blog Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer, said

“My breasts don’t even look anything like what they used to. They’re completely different. We look in the mirror after breast cancer: Our nipples are gone; we have scars that go across our chests; we have either gained a lot of weight or lost weight. We’ve changed completely. We’re not accepting of this body, and now you’re telling us to take off a bra?” she said. “What breast cancer is is taking off our breasts, having a lumpectomy, making them completely unerotic. So you’re sexualizing something that’s not sexy. It’s disgusting.“

Cancer patients don’t have time for cuteness when it comes to the potentially fatal disease they’re faced with.  They do, on the other hand, have an appreciation for realism and action.  Ask a real survivor what you can do to promote breast cancer awareness or how you can honor her fight.  Their answers would include get a mammogram, run a race, donate to the Susan G. Komen Foundation or simply be there for someone fighting a battle.  Taking your bra off isn’t the answer.

National No Bra Day is all about the breasts, not the women attached to them.