Does your spouse come first, or do your kids take the number one spot?
This is a hard topic for many, and the opinions on it are usually varied and loud. And while I understand parenting is such a blessing from God, and raising those babies is so important, we can’t allow mothering to take precedence over our marriage.
Is being a Mama important? Well, absolutely! Pour your heart into those littles, but don’t neglect your man. I’ve witnessed marriages fail because the kids were made top priority. The kids grow up, move out of the house and the parents look at each other like virtual strangers because they didn’t nourish their marriage. They no longer have a united mission. The focus of their energy has disappeared.
Charlie Bloom and his wife Linda are licensed marriage and family therapists who have been married since the 1970s, as well as parents and authors of 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last. They had this to say about the conversation:
It’s gotten to the point now where parents are judged and ostracized if they don’t accommodate and even anticipate and provide for kids’ needs over the needs of their relationships.
Recent research has shown that when the family unit falls apart, so do the kids. What kids want, more than anything, is to feel that their home is stable and secure. They need to know their parents not only love them, but they love each other. When children see their parents giving each other time, affection, love and respect it is a reassurance of our love and makes them feel secure. To put your marriage on hold for 18 years, or even one year, while you raise children is not only detrimental to your marriage, but it is also devastating to your children.
Children can see their parents taking care of themselves so that frees them up to enjoy being a child. They don’t have to worry about Mommy and Daddy because they take care of each other. Seeing parents happy together breeds emotionally healthy children. If you want to be the best parents you can be, work to become the best couple you can be.
Now I’m not saying there aren’t times when your children should come first. Diaper changes, meals and injuries all need fairly immediate attention. I’m certainly not suggesting you walk away from a bleeding child to go have coffee with your spouse and chat about their day. And I’m sure not suggesting that you ignore your children except for emergencies. As I said earlier, pour your heart into those babies. But, it needs to be clear that your primary relationship (after God) is with your spouse.
Our love for our kids is so primal and so different, it’s easy to push our husbands out of the way and build our lives around our kids.
Please don’t do that. Your kids don’t need you to be with them every single night. They would benefit from you taking a break and going on a date with your spouse. I love going on dates with my husband, whether they are little mini-dates we catch here and there or a full day together. I love that feeling of just reconnecting with him and being able to give him my full attention without interruption. I think it’s so important to take time out of our busy lives to solely focus on each other. It keeps our marriage alive. It’s so important to stay connected! I always found after reconnecting with my husband, it rejuvenated me as a Mama. I felt more prepared to take on those hard days. Eventually those babies are going to grow up and leave your house. You don’t want to be two strangers just coexisting as roommates when that happens.
When you got married, you vowed to love and cherish each other. Until the day you die. Not until you have babies. If you really want to care for your children in the best possible way, do it by making your marriage solid. That means following through with what you promised on your wedding day. Building a relationship that causes you to grow together instead of growing apart.
After all, the Bible says that the husband and wife are one flesh, not the kids and their Mama. They may come from us, but we are united with our husband, not our kids.
One thing to keep in mind is relationships always drift apart, they never drift together. If you fail to put effort into your marriage, it will drift. Faster than any other kind.
How can you make this a reality? How can you even know where to begin?
Make Time
One of the biggest ways to strengthen your marriage is to make sure you spend enough time together. I know you are already forming a list of excuses of how you don’t have enough hours in the day as it is now. But healthy marriages don’t find the time to be together, they make time to be together. If you don’t spend the time with your spouse, you’ll fill the time with something less important.
Give the kids ice cream for dinner, turn on some Spongebob and lock your bedroom door. While the kids are at a youth activity, plan a special mini-date. Put them to bed a little early and snuggle on the couch with him. Hire a babysitter, take them to Grandma’s for the night or if money is tight try finding another couple you can swap babysitting nights with. Or even go away for a romantic weekend together. Find ways to spend some one-on-one time with him.
Make A Plan
On Sunday, plan out your week. Most kitchen calendars are full of the kids weekly schedules. Take that calendar every week and add a block of time where you can spend one-on-one time with your spouse.
If you are taking your kids to one of their games, rather than using that as time to socialize use it as time to reconnect. Sit by your spouse, hold hands and flirt. You may be in a room full of people but you can still feel like the only two people there.
Years ago I read an article that said to make your bedroom your marriage sanctuary. It really resonated with me. I removed all pictures that weren’t of my husband and I. And our bedroom officially became a “no kid” zone. Our bedroom door is shut every night and everyone was instructed to knock before entering. It became our oasis, our getaway.
It’s simple stuff if you think about it. Honestly it’s just about what your focus is. Life is ridiculously busy. Technology overwhelms us. When you throw in kids, pets, work, laundry, etc—you have to prioritize. You cannot do it all as much as you try. Declaring your spouse as your number one priority is the first step, from there it’s pretty simple.
Take Daily Marriage Time-Outs
Take a second during the day and send your spouse the message that they are on your mind. Just like you would put a note in your kid’s lunch box, take a moment after lunch to send your spouse a text. Look for opportunities to have a few moments together even in the midst of your busy day. These little moments can be as simple as turning on music while you’re cooking dinner and having a little kitchen dance time. Or having a long hug after dinner before you start the dishes.
You want your babies to grow up and marry someone that will make them number one. Model that for them now. What better place for children to learn about love than inside the walls of your home! Give your marriage and your spouse as much attention as you give your children, it’s really that easy. Not only so he knows but so he feels he’s your number one priority.
