Forever Beloved

Faith, Love & Truth

Putting Your Spouse First

Does your spouse come first, or do your kids take the number one spot?

This is a hard topic for many, and the opinions on it are usually varied and loud.  And while I understand parenting is such a blessing from God, and raising those babies is so important, we can’t allow mothering to take precedence over our marriage.

Is being a Mama important?  Well, absolutely!  Pour your heart into those littles, but don’t neglect your man.  I’ve witnessed marriages fail because the kids were made top priority.  The kids grow up, move out of the house and the parents look at each other like virtual strangers because they didn’t nourish their marriage.  They no longer have a united mission.  The focus of their energy has disappeared.

The best way that you can love your kids is to love your husband

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Charlie Bloom and his wife Linda are licensed marriage and family therapists who have been married since the 1970s,  as well as parents and authors of 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last.  They had this to say about the conversation:

It’s gotten to the point now where parents are judged and ostracized if they don’t accommodate and even anticipate and provide for kids’ needs over the needs of their relationships.

Recent research has shown that when the family unit falls apart, so do the kids.  What kids want, more than anything, is to feel that their home is stable and secure. They need to know their parents not only love them, but they love each other. When children see their parents giving each other time, affection, love and respect it is a reassurance of our love and makes them feel secure. To put your marriage on hold for 18 years, or even one year, while you raise children is not only detrimental to your marriage, but it is also devastating to your children.

Children can see their parents taking care of themselves so that frees them up to enjoy being a child.  They don’t have to worry about Mommy and Daddy because they take care of each other.  Seeing parents happy together breeds emotionally healthy children.  If you want to be the best parents you can be, work to become the best couple you can be.

Now I’m not saying there aren’t times when your children should come first. Diaper changes, meals and injuries all need fairly immediate attention.  I’m certainly not suggesting you walk away from a bleeding child to go have coffee with your spouse and chat about their day. And I’m sure not suggesting that you ignore your children except for emergencies.  As I said earlier, pour your heart into those babies. But, it needs to be clear that your primary relationship (after God) is with your spouse.

Our love for our kids is so primal and so different, it’s easy to push our husbands out of the way and build our lives around our kids.

Please don’t do that. Your kids don’t need you to be with them every single night. They would benefit from you taking a break and going on a date with your spouse. I love going on dates with my husband, whether they are little mini-dates we catch here and there or a full day together. I love that feeling of just reconnecting with him and being able to give him my full attention without interruption. I think it’s so important to take time out of our busy lives to solely focus on each other. It keeps our marriage alive.  It’s so important to stay connected!  I always found after reconnecting with my husband, it rejuvenated me as a Mama.  I felt more prepared to take on those hard days.  Eventually those babies are going to grow up and leave your house.  You don’t want to be two strangers just coexisting as roommates when that happens.

When you got married, you vowed to love and cherish each other.  Until the day you die.  Not until you have babies.  If you really want to care for your children in the best possible way, do it by making your marriage solid.  That means following through with what you promised on your wedding day.  Building a relationship that causes you to grow together instead of growing apart.

After all, the Bible says that the husband and wife are one flesh, not the kids and their Mama. They may come from us, but we are united with our husband, not our kids.

One thing to keep in mind is relationships always drift apart, they never drift together.  If you fail to put effort into your marriage, it will drift.  Faster than any other kind.

How can you make this a reality?  How can you even know where to begin?

Make Time

One of the biggest ways to strengthen your marriage is to make sure you spend enough time together.  I know you are already forming a list of excuses of how you don’t have enough hours in the day as it is now.  But healthy marriages don’t find the time to be together, they make time to be together.  If you don’t spend the time with your spouse, you’ll fill the time with something less important.

Give the kids ice cream for dinner, turn on some Spongebob and lock your bedroom door.  While the kids are at a youth activity, plan a special mini-date.  Put them to bed a little early and snuggle on the couch with him.  Hire a babysitter, take them to Grandma’s for the night or if money is tight try finding another couple you can swap babysitting nights with.  Or even go away for a romantic weekend together.  Find ways to spend some one-on-one time with him.

Make A Plan

On Sunday, plan out your week.  Most kitchen calendars are full of the kids weekly schedules.  Take that calendar every week and add a block of time where you can spend one-on-one time with your spouse.

If you are taking your kids to one of their games, rather than using that as time to socialize use it as time to reconnect.  Sit by your spouse, hold hands and flirt.  You may be in a room full of people but you can still feel like the only two people there.

Years ago I read an article that said to make your bedroom your marriage sanctuary.  It really resonated with me.  I removed all pictures that weren’t of my husband and I.  And our bedroom officially became a “no kid” zone.  Our bedroom door is shut every night and everyone was instructed to knock before entering.  It became our oasis, our getaway.

It’s simple stuff if you think about it. Honestly it’s just about what your focus is. Life is ridiculously busy. Technology overwhelms us. When you throw in kids, pets, work, laundry, etc—you have to prioritize.  You cannot do it all as much as you try.  Declaring your spouse as your number one priority is the first step, from there it’s pretty simple.

Take Daily Marriage Time-Outs

Take a second during the day and send your spouse the message that they are on your mind.  Just like you would put a note in your kid’s lunch box, take a moment after lunch to send your spouse a text.  Look for opportunities to have a few moments together even in the midst of your busy day.  These little moments can be as simple as turning on music while you’re cooking dinner and having a little kitchen dance time.  Or having a long hug after dinner before you start the dishes.

You want your babies to grow up and marry someone that will make them number one.  Model that for them now.  What better place for children to learn about love than inside the walls of your home!  Give your marriage and your spouse as much attention as you give your children, it’s really that easy.  Not only so he knows but so he feels he’s your number one priority.

Finding My Mama Voice

I grabbed my baby and settled into my rocking chair.  She lay naked in my lap with her hair wildly askew, I picked up her bottle and placed it to her mouth.  I cradled her in my arms, gently rocking her while humming Jesus Loves Me.  And all was easy, perfect and right in my little world.

As I got older, the inevitable question of What do you want to be when you grow up was asked.

My answer wasn’t a ballerina, singer, actress or veterinarian.  My answer always sounded different.

I simply wanted to be a Mama.

Every time I gave that answer, I would be told the same thing.  What else do you want to be?  You can’t just be a Mama.  Don’t you want to be a doctor and help people?  Or be a dentist and make lots of money?

I just wanted to be a Mama.  That’s it.  In my heart and in my soul I knew I was born to be a Mom.

As I grew older, the pressure to choose an occupation mounted.  So many days I spent wishing others could see what my heart felt.

Eventually, I felt my hearts-song slipping away.  It was drowned out by the noise of school work, life-decisions, college and pressure.  It seemed simply being a Mama wasn’t acceptable.

I tucked my dream away, only pulling it out when I was alone.  Fleeting moments spent standing in front of a mirror imagining my baby belly, dreaming of what my baby would look like and what songs I would sing when they cried.

I have always been enamored by the black-and-white pictures from the past, where simply being a Mama was enough.  The days when Caroline Ingalls would tend her house, fields and babies with a humble smile.

What I realize now is, even at a young age, God was convicting my heart.  That decision had been established in full confidence years before my babies were even born; I knew this was God’s call for my life.  Even as a young girl God had called me to be a mother, a wife and a homemaker.

The hardest part was going against society and answering that call.

Living out God’s purpose for my life is the greatest thing there is.  But, it’s not always great in the world’s eyes.  Not always great in our society’s eyes.

The world loudly screams it’s opinion at women continually, no matter what side of the fence you’re on.

If you are a stay-at-home Mama you hear you must work outside of your home.  You must make money.  You must help support your family.  If not, everyone will think you’re lazy and worthless.

If you work outside of the home you hear you should be staying home with your babies.  They wish they could stay at home and do nothing all day.  Why are you selling yourself short by not pursuing a career.

Every day my heart was saying trust God and listen to the song He sings to you.  The same song you heard when you rocked your naked baby years ago.

Every day as I walked out of this house and kissed my babies goodbye, my heart would sink.  Many days the drive to work was with a tear-soaked face.  I never felt brave enough to go against society and cling to Gods promises.

After 14 years of working at a very good job, a job others wish they had, I had a choice to make.

In January of 2013 I had to make a decision.  Medically I couldn’t continue working, and the decision was made for me.

The choice I made, after years of squelching that voice, was to finally listen to my song.  I have embraced and cherished every moment.  The only regret I have is how long it took me to be brave.

And while my babies were teenagers at the time, how blessed I was to spend the last five years at home with them!  We are told that children are a heritage from the Lord, like arrows in the hand of a warrior.  I love this verse, because it really reminds me of the importance of raising my children to be on the right side of the battle.  I pray that we can all generation of children who love God and treasure eternity.

I have to remind myself God doesn’t call us to be the same and follow what everyone else is doing, He calls us to be different!  There is one thing we all need.  Jesus.  And to be fulfilled in this life I need to follow God’s will for me.  For each of us, this looks different.  He puts a different song in each of our hearts.

And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.
Colossians 3:23-24

I am not judging working moms, I myself was one for many years. I simply want to encourage all of you to follow God’s calling in your life.  And to listen to the song He puts in your heart.  If that’s to work, then work.  If that’s to stay at home and raise your family, then do it.  Knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance, for you serve the Lord Christ.  The point is that there is only ONE whose approval is needed.  And if you have the approval of God the world’s opinion can fall by the wayside.

Saving Your First Kiss

couple standing

“Actually”, she said with confidence, “I’m saving my first kiss for my wedding day”.

I’ve heard my daughter say this dozens of times.  And while it’s been met with positivity, that doesn’t happen often.  The feedback is usually quite disappointing.  Normally the response she receives is laughter, ridicule and mocking.  She has been on the receiving end of many jokes because of it.  She has been not only made fun of, but been mean to because of it.  And she has had friends make it their mission to get her to kiss before her wedding day.

She’s heard statements of  “What? That’s crazy!”, “You’ll change your mind once you start dating” and she’s even heard “You’ll never get a man that way”.

I’m just going to be honest here, I didn’t save my first kiss for my wedding day.  As I’ve said before, I wish I had heard that not kissing until marriage was an option.  I wish I had heard that purity was beautiful.  Valuable.  Precious.  An amazing gift given to us by God to give to our spouse.  I wish purity had been a bigger topic among my circle.  I wish I had been told that God’s grace is bigger than the choices we make.  I wish we had been talked to instead of talked at.

I’ve always been open and honest with my children (age appropriate of course).  Throughout the years during our talks I took the things I wished were different, and the lessons I had learned, and coupled that with God’s Word.  We were also blessed while she was growing up to have an amazing all-girl program at church called Daughters of the King, led by our Pastor’s wife.

During that time, God set it in my daughters heart to save her first kiss for her future husband on the day of their wedding.

We live in a day and age where kissing is the norm for elementary schoolers.  Losing your virginity in, or by, high school is expected.  Because of that culture it seems absurd and ridiculous that anyone would possibly save their first kiss for marriage.

Kissing is a gray area.  You won’t find a single spot in the Bible that says “Thou shalt not kiss”.  And because of that, we are left to seek biblical wisdom along the relationship journey.  Gray areas are not subjects where God has simply forgotten to give us insight and direction.  These are areas where God leaves room for difference and invites us into personal conversation with Him to determine how best to follow Him in these areas in our lives.  Each one of us has different convictions that God has laid on our hearts for the gray areas.  You will have to seek wisdom, study God’s Word, pray and discuss with your boyfriend what standards and boundaries you will put in place.

Just know if you choose safe standards, you are bound to hear backlash and criticism from friends and relatives.  Sometimes even strangers will chime in when they overhear a conversation.

But you have to remember that your decision is a good thing!

Instead of viewing your kiss as something meaningless and cheap, I want to challenge you to view it as a very expensive treasure box.  It’s your job to keep your treasure safe until the person with the right key comes to unlock it.

If you are deciding to save your first kiss my encouragement to you is don’t give up.  Don’t let the world tell you that’s dumb.  Don’t get scared when people ask you why.  Please don’t compromise your convictions based on peer pressure or others’ expectations.  If you want to save your first kiss for marriage, do it because you want to and because you feel God calling you to do so.  Stand firm on that decision.

And don’t be ashamed of it!

I also want to encourage those around someone that is saving their first kiss.

We want our kids to enjoy healthy relationships placed in the hands of God.  Relationships that focus on drawing closer together emotionally and spiritually before they enjoy the physical part of their relationship that is reserved only for marriage.

While saving your first kiss for your wedding day is clearly not popular, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.  It just means they are following what God has called them to do.  They aren’t weak, naive or inexperienced.  Are we really going to fault these kids for following what God has set in their heart?

And those of you who are saving your kiss, please don’t look down on those who aren’t.  Saving your kiss doesn’t gain you salvation.  And kissing while you’re dating isn’t a sin.  Those who choose to kiss before marriage just don’t share the same convictions you do, which isn’t a bad thing.  We all have different convictions laid on our hearts by God.

I want you to remember, you don’t have to kiss frogs to find princes.  Princes don’t need physical confirmation of a woman’s value.  They already value you for who you are.  We need to recognize the kiss as an incredible gift that God has given each one of us to fully embrace and enjoy in the right context.  Instead of lowering its value and blowing it off as just-a-kiss let’s view it as a precious, sacred gift.