For years, I’ve felt God calling me to help restore marriages.  I remember telling my husband how I felt God was giving me a heart for marriage, especially ones in crisis.  But I wasn’t sure what that call meant or how I would help them.  I have since settled into the fact that, for now, my blog is my answer.

With social media our private lives are more public than they’ve ever been.  And because of that many couples focus more on preparing a picture-perfect wedding day than they do their future marriage.  The thought of online friends ogling over our wedding pictures is more important than having a future financial plan or knowing how we will face disagreements.

We are no strangers to storybook romance.  Marrying at 20 and 22, we are blessed to be familiar with this form of love – love as a falling and a pursuit and a passion.  We were introduced for the first time on a cold February evening, bundled up as we stood outside while snow gently fell around us.  We stood there with our cherry-red noses, enamored with each other.

One month later we were engaged.

Three months later we were married, with vows breathed in the little country church I was born into.

We haven’t been together over half of our lives by chance.  We have put the work needed in to get to where we are today.  And by work I mean overcoming some really hard, in the trenches times.

Recently, we’ve looked back on our nearly 25 years of marriage and discussed not only why but how we got to where we are.  And how we could help others get there as well.

Through those conversations we’ve made a list of things God has taught us throughout the ridiculously blessed, hard years we’ve been married.  I pray they help you cultivate a marriage that not only rejoices in the good seasons, but also perseveres when things feel out of control.

• Keep God at the center of your marriage.  This is a lesson we learned the hard way. Marriage is difficult. Actually, difficult is an understatement.  Let’s be real here, there are going to be days you hope he chokes on his cereal.  The hardness of marriage is obvious when you see how many couples end in divorce. It’s two imperfect people living together, failing daily. The only way to make your marriage truly work is to center it on Christ. You have to rely on God for wisdom, power, love and strength for your marriage.  And forgiveness, for that one time you hoped he would choke.
• Allow him to lead without stepping in the way.  This was a hard lesson for this stubborn, independent girl to learn.  Um, hello…I took the words honor and obey out of my marriage vows. I know, not my most shining moment.  I would tell him I wanted him to lead but in the next breath tell him he wasn’t doing it right.  Sure as the sun rises and sets, I’d step in and take over.  I wish I could say it was easy for me to stop doing this, but I’m stubborn.  And it took lots (read this as an abnormal amount) of life lessons from God and probably the toughest heart work He’s ever done.
• Don’t bad mouth your husband in front of your children or anyone else.  So help me, do not talk bad about him to others ever!  Build that man up.  Let him know that he is adequate, enough and that he has your respect.  The world will be cruel enough. Make sure he knows he always has a friend in you.  Not long ago my husband came home and simply said “thank you”.  He had spent time listening to others complain about their spouse, and he was grateful that he is able to trust I wouldn’t do that.
• Don’t put your kids first.  Hear me out on this one. Don’t allow your mothering to take precedence over your marriage. Is being a Mama important? Well, absolutely! Pour your heart into those littles, but don’t neglect your man. I’ve watched marriages suffer because the kids were made top priority. The kids grow up, move out of the house and the parents look at each other like strangers. You have to nourish your marriage!
• Never stop trying to improve your marriage.  We’ve been married for nearly 25 gloriously hard years, and we are still looking for ways to improve.  Keep reading, keep learning, keep improving and don’t ever get comfortable and let your guard down.  If one thing doesn’t work, try something else.  The best advice I’ve heard is to run your marriage like a business.  Successful businesses are successful because of the amazing foundation they’re built on.  I also think business meetings for your marriage are a great idea!  I purchased The Marriage Journal written by Jeremy and Audrey Roloff, and I would highly recommend it as a tool for weekly meetings with your spouse!  The journal has 6 questions that you will ask each other, and record your answers to, once a week. Each week also includes a devotional to help foster good conversation.  There is a week long calendar page for you and your spouse to communicate about events, appointments, social gatherings, and big to-do’s in the upcoming week.  You can purchase the journal HERE.
• Let others know he is yours.  I don’t mean buy him one of those “I love my wife” shirts and making him wear it every other day.  Although once upon a time I may have bought my husband that exact shirt.  I am one of those Facebook posters that loudly proclaims my love for my husband.  Even though it’s possibly obnoxious I just can’t help it, I love that sweet man and I want everyone to know it.  And I want my husband to know that I am so proud to say he is mine.
• Sex is important. No, it’s not everything…but it’s one notch below.  God designed sex and marriage to go hand in hand.  God intended sex to create a oneness within our marriage.  We don’t want to feel deprived and neither do our spouses.  I read a book a few years ago that was a sex game changer and I highly recommend it to all married couples.  It was Intimacy Ignited by Dr. Joseph and Linda Dillow and Dr. Peter and Lorraine Pintus.  Also, The Passion Principles by Shannon Ethridge.  You can also check out my posts from my Ignite Intimacy series here.  Sex is one of the ways a man and a woman are bound together by God in a covenant relationship for life.  The Bible is clear that God sees sex as holy and sacred.  God designed sex to be experienced within marriage so that it could be about intimacy, connection and truly knowing one another on a deeper level.
• Never stop dating. We take every opportunity we can to sneak a date in.  Sometimes it’s just to get groceries and sometimes it’s a weekend away.  Date nights can keep you connected as a couple, which is especially good if you have kids.  When our kids were little most date nights looked like putting them to bed early, having some yummy snacks and snuggling in for a movie or two.  Dates don’t have to be expensive and over-the-top to be meaningful.
• Most fights are over stupid things. Honestly, stupid things that don’t really even matter.  I once spent an entire day furious at my husband for buying me the wrong value meal from McDonald’s.  I mean, after this long he should know what I like…right?  I could fill this blog post and four others with the absolutely ridiculous, stupid things I’ve gotten mad over.  When I was younger (okay, and even sometimes now) I always wanted to prove my point and have the last word.  I’ve learned it’s more important to prove your love than your point. And what’s the best way to do that?  Not arguing over dumb things.  And eating that burger, even though it has onions on it, and you hate onions, and he should know that.
• Thank him.  We all like to be appreciated and know that what we do doesn’t go unnoticed.  An attitude of gratitude creates a positive environment.  Some nights before we go to sleep, I simply thank him for loving me.
• Never stop pursuing him. Write him love notes and tuck them in his lunchbox.  Send him a racy text (I highly suggest knowing the location of his phone before this one).  Tell him how much you appreciate him.  Buy the stinkin’ lingerie that he likes on you, even if you feel it’s a waste of money.  Kiss him and hold his hand, even if you’re in a horribly long checkout line at WalMart.  Pursue that mans heart daily.
• Don’t be disrespectful.  Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33  I have read this verse over and over again trying to find a loophole.  There isn’t one.  It doesn’t say respect your husband only when you feel he deserves it, it doesn’t say he has to GIVE respect to GET respect and it’s certainly not up to us to deem when he is worthy of it. God was pretty clear with this verse, the wife MUST respect her husband. And for the love of all, do not talk bad about him to others ever!  I know I already said this above but y’all, it’s important!  Not even to your Mama.
• Have fun together! One thing I can say about my husband and I is we know how to have fun, and laugh while doing anything!  Some of it may be at inappropriate times and places but at least we’re laughing.  You need to make sure you have fun together too!  Fun is a key ingredient to a successful friendship and marriage.  No one wants to spend time with a Debbie Downer (or someone that gets super mad over onions on their burger).  Laugh.  And laugh.  And laugh some more.
• Pray with him.  I have always loved slipping my hand into my husbands when the Pastor prays before the sermon.  It just feels special, intimate and right.  Praying together reminds you of your oneness. When you pray as a couple, you are communicating with God and each other. You can learn so much about one another by sharing prayer requests and listening to each other pray.
• Don’t discuss divorce.  Never treat it as if it’s even an option.
• Apologize and forgive.  When we were first married this girl had a hard time saying I’m sorry.  Even when I knew I was wrong those words would never cross my lips.  Through the years I’ve realized how important it is to apologize.  Not only that, but also to forgive.  God wants our love to be sweet, soft-hearted and lovely. And He wants it overflowing with forgiveness. By offering forgiveness, we are offering the grace that God has given us. Don’t cling to prior offenses, tucking them in your pocket to use later. Simply wipe the slate clean as soon as the offense happens. This will not only set your husband free, but you as well.

Remember, there are no perfect marriages.  Even if you see a couple on social media that seems to have it all together, they’ve undoubtedly spent time in the messy trenches of life too.

Love is strung together choices.  The feelings, undoubtedly, will rise and fall.  Eventually the toughness of life becomes a reality.  As life goes on we all change, we grow, we mature and life changes us.  But marriage is not meant to be a lifetime commitment to unrealistic social media love alone.  Marriage is designed to be a repetitive I do, a daily commitment of choosing us over me.  There is something so precious about struggling together and coming out on the other side hand-in-hand.

Dear friend, if your marriage is struggling and you would like me to pray for you, please email me and let’s chat!

Our marriage was dying.

It was like a slow, silent kind of death.  One we were both uncomfortably aware of but unwilling to speak about.

Hopelessness consumed our days.  We wore hurt and brokenness daily like winter jackets.

Our marriage seemed comprised of arguments, an unwillingness to understand or listen to each other and selfish hearts.

We were living in the same house and unsure of what the future looked like.

On a warm summer day the silence was broken and we found ourselves at a crossroads between divorce and reconciliation.

We spent days in silence that seemed so loud.  We spent days being swallowed up by anger.  We spent days having tear soaked faces.  We spent days having hopelessness walk beside us.

But, then GOD.

There was a night when I was at my breaking point.  In a panic I grabbed my keys, got in my car and started driving with no destination in mind.  I ended up on a hill in the middle of the woods.  It was a clear, warm summer night.  The sky was covered with stars and I could see for miles around.  I listened to hymns and sang along.  With a tear-soaked face I talked to God for hours on end.  In the moment I was seeking Him and God was seeking my heart.  When I left the hill that night I had something new, hope!

I could feel excitement stirring in my heart as I drove off that hill.  I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my husband what the conversation between God and I held.

In that moment we were catapulted into trusting Him more than we ever had to in the past.

We prayerfully handed our marriage to God, knowing we couldn’t revive it ourselves.  We trusted the God of Restoration to work miracles and bring our dead marriage back to life.

And with that, God breathed new life into our dying marriage.

We stepped boldly into reconciliation.  He showed us both forgiveness in a way we had never known and restored our marriage, making it better than it ever had been in the past.  Our marriage was now filled with compromise, hope, selflessness and love.

We quickly realized that prayer is a necessary piece of restoration.  We needed to seek the Lord’s wisdom daily and continually invite Him in.

Against all odds, against all friendly advice, against the worlds opinion we continually stood for our marriage.

Sixteen years later, our marriage is strong and solid, securely set now on a firm foundation. Perfect?  No, is any marriage truly perfect?  Better than my twenty-year-old, naive self dreamed? Without a doubt!

I want to speak to those of you who find yourselves where we were, in the midst of a dying marriage.  Your heart dreams of the day your marriage can be restored.  A time when the days aren’t so long and the nights aren’t as lonely.  Sweet friend, I was you not so long ago.

The first bit of advice I would give you is to make your stance on your marriage known.  Make it loudly known and do not budge on your decision.  Well-meaning people may try to sway your decision.  Kindly, lovingly but firmly let them know you are standing for your marriage, period.

Next, this isn’t a quick process.  There is no quick fix. It’s a long process with a series of steps.  It’s a marathon girl, but hang in there, even marathons have a finish line!  Surround yourself with godly, encouraging people who will cheer your marriage on from the sidelines.

Also know you aren’t alone.  When we were in the midst of our struggles, I liked to imagine God was sitting right beside me.  I’d have conversations with Him like we were friends chatting over coffee.  God can see into the deepest depths of your heart.  He knows exactly what it will take to restore hope into your heart, into your life and into your marriage.  He meets us where we are and loves us just as we are, sinners.  He showers us with his amazing grace.  We have a God who knows how we feel, and really cares.  He knows our doubts and hopelessness.  He can help when we’re willing to bring those things to him.  God walks with us during our hopeless times and never leaves us.

Lastly, make the choice to invite God in your marriage.  Romans 8:28 says And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Our marriages aren’t exempt from this.  When we are in the middle of a trial in marriage, it’s hard to see how God could ever use it for good.  But He has promised to use them for good, and He is faithful to keep His word.  Invite God into your marriage and allow Him to heal the hopeless and the hardness.  He will bring beauty from the ashes.

Sometimes we sit and reminisce about those gut-wrenching hard times.  We talk about how we couldn’t have made it without God.  And we talk about where we are now.

There is something so precious about struggling together and coming out on the other side hand-in-hand.

I have been married to my sweet man for 24 years.  I have been married to him for more than half my life.  And I will admit, I’m still trying to figure out how men receive respect as love.  Sometimes I get it completely wrong.  And occasionally I feel like they should receive food as love.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that I can cook for him all the live long day but if I am not respecting him then in his eyes I’m not loving him.

As wives, we have incredible power in the lives of our husbands.  We have the power to build them up, or tear them down.

As wives, we love to feel loved and be romanced.  But for our husbands, they love to feel respected and to know we believe in them.  And I can assure you that feeling doesn’t come from a loaf of hot, homemade bread and potato soup.  Believe me, I’ve tried.

Our men need to know that they are enough just as they are, and they are exactly what we desire.

Each time you give your husband a loving word of praise, you are valuing him.  He will feel treasured, adored, loved and he will thrive.  But something even more amazing happens – when you verbally appreciate your spouse with sincerity, his value goes up in your eyes, too.  You see him the way you are describing him and he becomes more and more valuable to you.  It is a win-win situation.  With more words of affirmation, love grows.  And when you speak of your love for one another, it increases your intimacy.  Um, hello smokin’ hot marriage!  When his woman is behind him, he will be able to take on the world.   Side-note:  I would bet when you shower him with praise, affirmation and kind words…you’ll get the same in return!

Actions speak louder than words, we all know that.  I know my actions speak love to him.  Whether it’s me spending hours in the kitchen cooking his favorite meal, jumping in and helping him with a job or being interested in something he is passionate about.  But it’s also vitally important to also speak it.

And ladies, I encourage you to praise him in front of your kids.  First of all, remember your kids are learning what marriage looks like by watching you.  They sure do need to see that their Mama appreciates and respects their Dad.  It means backing him up when he’s made a decision (even if you don’t agree), it means not making a decision without talking to him first and it means speaking good about him even when he isn’t around.  We need to teach our littles to appreciate how hard their Dads work to support and lead our households!

In Ephesians 5:33 we are told Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.  I’ve read this verse over and over again.  It doesn’t say respect your husband only when you feel he deserves it, it doesn’t say he has to GIVE respect to GET respect and it’s certainly not up to us to deem when he is worthy of it.  God was pretty clear with this verse, the wife MUST respect her husband.  Period.  (Unless there is a Biblically moral issue at stake in which God’s authority will supersede our husbands).

Just a little side-note, it takes thirteen compliments to replace one negative comment.  Keep that tucked in the back of your mind when you’re hoppin’ mad at him and thinking of saying something rude or tearing him down.

Let’s help him take on the world today girls.  Here are some words of encouragement you can speak into your marriage and your mans heart today.

• Thank you for loving me.
• I am so glad to have you as my husband.
• I love that look you give me.
• I trust you.
• I am such a different woman because of you.
• Is there anything I can help you with?
• Thank you for being such a great husband.
• What is your opinion on this?
• Thank you for always being honest.
• You’re my favorite.
• Thank you for being faithful.
• I’m sorry, will you forgive me?
• I love holding your hand while we pray.
• Thank you for leading our home so well.
• You’re so cute/hot/sexy.
• I’m glad you’re my best friend.
• Hey, the kids are in bed early.
• I trust your judgement.
• You are such a great Dad.
• Those jeans and boots are so sexy on you.
• Thank you for trusting me.
• You can do anything you set your mind to.
• I’m so excited to do life alongside you.
• Thank you for working so hard for our family.
• Last night was amazing.
• You give the best hugs.
• I love how safe I feel with you.
• I’m so glad you’re my man.
• I am so incredibly proud of you.
• Thank you for helping me today, I couldn’t have done it without you.
• I absolutely adore your heart.
• I love spending time with you.
• Thank you so much for doing that for me.
• God knew my heart needed you.
• I can’t stop thinking about you today.
• You are so brave and strong.
• I appreciate you being so patient with me, I know it’s not easy.
• I have loved watching you grow in your walk with God.
• Your eyes are so sexy.
• Is there anything special you’d like me to cook for you?
• Thank you for making me feel beautiful.
• How about a kiss?
• Thank you for always supporting my dreams.
• In your arms is my favorite place to be.
• I know that was hard for you, you did it so well!
• Say please and thank you to him.
• You have such great integrity.
• I am more in love with you than ever.
• I love holding your hand.
• Our kids are sure blessed to have you as their Dad.
• I appreciate you putting our family first.
• I can’t wait to see you after work, I’ve missed you.
• You still take my breath away.
• You are exactly what I asked God for.
• I love you so much.