Today’s topic isn’t as fun as some of the past ones in this series, but it’s one that needs discussed.  Pornography is not only on the rise, but it’s something that affects many marriages.

The statistics for pornography are just staggering.  The porn industry generates $13 billion in revenue each year in the United States.  That’s more than the NFL, NBA and MLB combined.  Just to compare, in 2007 Hollywood only generated $8.8 billion in revenue from movies.  There are over 24.5 million dedicated pornography websites live on the internet.  1 in 5 mobile searches are pornography related.  And 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women say they are addicted to pornography.

Want to hear some more staggering statistics?  Every second 28,258 people are watching pornography on the internet, and every second $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography on the internet.

Today I want to focus on the effect porn addiction can have on marriage and how to heal your marriage after.  We are going to hear from a few people who had their lives affected by a porn addiction, either by being addicted themselves or by their spouse being addicted.

First, we hear from a wife whose husband battled porn addiction:

When I discovered my husband’s porn addiction, it was the most shattering, deep kind of pain I’ve ever encountered.  In an instant it felt as if my world was falling apart.  I was deeply hurt and betrayed.  It felt as if the man I was married to was a complete stranger to me.  I felt I no longer satisfied him and I wasn’t what he wanted.  I knew I couldn’t compare to the women he had been watching.  I cycled through many painful emotions: anger, sadness, fear, shame and embarrassment.  I was crushed.  And so was he.  It broke his heart to see how much pain his actions had caused me.  In our moment of brokenness, one thing I was certain of.  He needed help and I needed to support him throughout it.  Praise God he agreed to meet with a counselor weekly.  Every week he would come home and tell me what he had learned, and our marriage began to flourish again.

One common misconception is that only men are addicted to porn.  In fact, one in three pornography viewers are women.

Sheila from To Love, Honor and Vacuum says “70% of men reported having a problem with porn and deliberately seeking out porn.  But so did 28% of women.  I’ve read other studies that say that 30% of porn addicts are now female. We need to stop thinking of porn as a guy’s problem and realize that women are caught up in it, too.”

Here we hear from a Christian wife who was addicted to porn:

I remember, as a child, having other kids around me often who were very curious about my body and theirs. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized the “curiosity and exploration” that I thought was normal when I was very young….was the beginning of a very long struggle with a twisted up view of sexuality.

I have been a “born again Christian” since I was a young child. I don’t ever remember a time that I didn’t believe in Jesus’ death and resurrection for my sins. I grew up in church and always accepted Jesus for who He was and is. I can remember sitting in church as a child (8 or 9 years old) and repenting many times over and asking Him to be in my heart, just to be sure I did it right. I did eventually understand that I didn’t have to continue to be saved every Sunday, and embraced the grace that my mother modeled and instilled in me. I was extremely thankful for this grace that was scandalous, because so many things I kept secret needed this grace that reached to the depths of my shame. Even as a child.

I have memories as a very young child, of my cousin, who was a little older than me who always wanted to go to the bathroom together. He visited our home fairly regularly and every time, he wanted to hide and see my private parts, and/or show me his. I was curious and intrigued also. But I felt very ashamed and knew this needed to be hidden. I never told anyone that this happened.

As I grew through the years, there was a neighbor boy about my age who introduced kissing to me. It began with “we could play boyfriend and girlfriend and kiss” and grew to “let’s kiss like in the movies”. Eventually I did tell my mom about our play and she tactfully spoke with his mom and that was the end of that type of play. But I had been desensitized quite a bit at this point.

When I got a little older I discovered a drawer in my uncle’s desk filled with Playboy magazines. I opened them and was extremely intrigued. My body was responding to the pictures of naked women I saw (my first experience with arousal). I didn’t know what was happening or why, but I knew it felt good and it started a new level of this curiosity inside of me. There was a hook. And I was continually drawn back to that drawer to take a peek at the photos inside. I was very young still (maybe 8) but I did know it was wrong. And I knew I couldn’t tell anyone what I found.

I don’t know how much time had passed, but at one point I was in the hallway and could see the TV in my Uncle’s room (he lived with my grandparents) through a crack in his door. He was watching porn. Lesbian porn. I watched from the hallway and felt the same good feeling/curiosity as when I saw the photos in the magazines. The hook sank deeper and the barb connected.

I never once in my life would have said I was attracted to women, or wanted to be in a relationship with a woman. But I had this pull to watch lesbian porn throughout my teen years and adult life. I would not have called it an addiction. Because it wasn’t something that I would seek relentlessly. But during different seasons, I took whatever opportunities I could to view. Pornography had a hold on me. When I was 12, an older, female cousin molested me. I never called it that until I broke free from this stronghold. I participated willingly, but she was in the lead and I followed her instructions the whole time. This happened on an ongoing basis for a couple of years. I was so ashamed and embarrassed about it that I never even spoke of it until a few years ago.

Why do I share all of this? Because pornography wrecked my life. This hook that embedded as a child and became a comfort of sorts to me, twisted my brain to accept all kinds of perverted treatment from men as I grew up through my teen years. I lost my virginity at 13. I also would have sex with most any boy that paid attention to me until I met my first husband at the age of 16. He was addicted to porn and in a very extreme way. So much that it completely overshadowed any issue I had. But it almost made my problem seem like a non issue.

I was a Christian wife and mom. And I would still take opportunities that I could to view porn. Usually lesbian porn. And here is an example of what would happen inside of my head. “What was wrong with me?! Why did this follow me for so many years? Was there enough scandalous grace to erase these scandalous acts I was viewing? Would I ever be able to get rid of the incessant nagging desire to click that website….again? Who might I talk to about this? Who could possibly understand? Surely no one else who is a Christian mom would ever know what this is like.”

So I ignored it. Slapped away the desires most of the time, except when I couldn’t. Except when the pull would be stronger than my willpower was. That’s when I would give in, feel ashamed and guilty, repent, and try to just forget about it. But Jesus is faithful and merciful and full of grace. He allowed me to come to the end of myself. After my first husband and I separated, I began counseling. God gave my counselor the wisdom to confront me on this issue. She asked me if I ever had a pull to porn for myself, or masturbation. And I finally confessed, out loud to a safe person and she walked me through breaking off those chains. We dug through the years to recognize the roots and where I was introduced to this. Confessed that I was sick, and I asked the elders at my church to pray over me and anoint me with oil for healing. After I, myself, worked with my counselor through rewiring my unhealthy coping mechanisms that included porn, the elders prayed over me, and God broke the chains. Freed me. I am free, indeed.

While I no longer have the pull to watch pornography, I know the temptation is just around the corner if I don’t stay guarded. I am vulnerable to this sin. So I am careful with what I feed my mind with. What TV shows I allow myself to watch, what kind of books I read, and what kind of music I listen to. I work to keep my mind stayed on Jesus and things that are true and worthy of praise. I am still free. It still takes work to remain free.

I know this might sound extreme. But this is one way pornography and sexual sin can look. This was an area in my life where Satan had a lot of power over my thought life. That overflowed into everything I did and everything I thought. I carried a cloud of shame around everywhere I went. But Jesus freed me and I am a different person today.

If you’re addicted to porn, you’re not alone. If you are a Christian mom who is addicted to porn, you’re not alone. If you need help, it’s available. Secrets manifest. Good ones and bad ones. Confess with your mouth to a safe person, and get rid of the bad secrets so you can start seeing manifestation of a beautiful secret prayer life with Jesus.

Pornography is chemically more addictive to the body and brain than heroin, caffeine, sugar or marijuana.  And it has devastating results!  It can decrease sexual intimacy with your partner, damage relationships, burden you with shame and guilt, distort your view on sex and many times lead to divorce.

Here are some ways to begin to heal your heart and invite intimacy back into your marriage.

Stop comparing yourself.

This didn’t happen because you aren’t beautiful enough, or thin enough, or curvy enough, or sexy enough.  It’s not your fault.  I can’t say that enough!

You will think you have to compete.  You don’t!  You don’t have to lose weight, get breast implants, try kinkier things or buy more lingerie.  Even if you did, that wouldn’t solve the problem.  The solution isn’t you competing or changing.  It’s just by healing from God.

And while that’s easy for me to say, satan will still take your thoughts there.  Every moment of weakness he will use to make you feel less than and inadequate.

Forgive.

As much as you hate their porn addiction, so do they.  The guilt, shame and humiliation that surrounded porn addiction is a heavy burden to carry.  Let’s be honest, holding onto anger is so much easier when you feel justified.  You feel wronged, betrayed, crushed and angry.  Add in someone rejection, and hurt, and forgiveness is doubly as hard.

How do you forgive the one who caused such pain and created those deep, searing wounds.

What does Jesus say about forgiveness?  He commands us to overlook sins and forgive those who hurt us.  He doesn’t ask us to do that, the Lord commands us to do that.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32

But somewhere buried in our subconscious, we think the rules don’t apply to us.  The pain we know doesn’t fit the requirements of forgiveness.  We rationalize and justify our pain over and over again, talking ourselves out of forgiving.

And then we become resentful, angry, unforgiving and cold.  All of these could cause our spouse to run right back to the thing that caused our hurt.

But don’t confuse forgiveness with trust.  Trust is earned based on behavior, but forgiveness is something we’re commanded to do.

Communicate.

As hard as it may be, you have to tell them honestly how you are feeling.  You will have bad days that feel like the wind has been knocked out of you.  Communicate those to your spouse and let them know what you need in that moment.  Do you need space, do you need to be reassured or do you need held?  Our spouses aren’t mind readers, as much as we would like them to be.  We need to help them understand what is going on inside of us.  If you find that the words just won’t come out, try pouring your heart out in a letter to them.  Sometimes the words come easier when you put them down on paper.

Pray.

Spend time together daily in prayer.  Pray for purity and unity, for a forgiving heart, for an open line of honest communication, for hearts to be softened and ears to be opened.  Prayer doesn’t have to be out loud to be real and heard by God.  You can pray together silently, you can write your prayer down and read it when you’re together or pray while you talk.

Recovery.

Recovering from a porn addiction really can’t be done alone.  A porn habit is a horrible one that is very difficult to break. For many porn users, the pull is intense. It’s how they deal with stress. It’s more exciting than drugs. And it seriously wrecks your libido and your ability to perform sexually in marriage, because it rewires the brain so that what’s attractive is an image or a fantasy rather than a person.

If you are addicted to porn and ready to make a change, here are some resources:

The Journey – A 5-month Path to Freedom From Sexual Brokenness 

Focus on the Family – Overcoming Sexual Brokenness

Click to Kick – An 8-week online support group for men and women wanting to overcome porn use

Be Broken Ministries – Heal sexual brokenness. Grow in God’s grace. Serve every day.

Pure Community – A network of resources, workshops, counseling, and recovery groups.

12-Step Programs – Recovery is a personal journey, alongside people with similar struggles, through clearly identified steps.  A quick search could yield a 12-step program near you.

Counseling – Speak to your Pastor or church elders, I’m certain they could point you in the right direction.

Today we’re going to discuss what your husband wants in bed.  Now clearly I am not a man and I can’t say with certainly exactly what is in your husbands head.  But I feel with the research I’ve done and through extensive talks with my own husband, we can dive into this topic.

Archibald Hart, the author of The Sexual Man (Nashville: W Publishing Group, 1994) took a poll of 150 Christian married men, 83 percent stated that they don’t believe that women understand a man’s sex drive.  So let’s talk about that first.

May you rejoice in the wife of your youth.  A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always; may you ever be captivated by her love.  Proverbs 5:18-19

God designed your husband’s brain to cherish you and to be enthralled with your body.  The definition I found of enthralled is so beautiful.  It means to be fascinated with, filled with delight and wonder at something, to the point where time seems to stand still.  Imagine when your husband looks at your body it takes his breath away and time stands still.

God has also made a man’s body to highly enjoy and desire sex.  And they are also very visual.

Husbands feel alone with their secrets and desires; they are at a loss about how to communicate this to their wives.  For many men, their attempts to share their desires with their wives have been met with disinterest or even at times anger.  We can’t just pretend their sexuality doesn’t exist.

So today, I want us to dive into what our men want.

They want us to want them

They want to feel that we want them.  Not just to never say no to them, but to say yes to them in our hearts.  They don’t want us to treat it as just another chore alongside laundry and dishes.  They want us to want them with all we have, our heart soul and mind.

He wants to be desired sexually, not feel like he’s reluctantly serviced.  Your husband doesn’t want you to have sex with him because you feel guilty; he wants you to want to be with him!  He doesn’t want to feel like the only time he can be with his wife sexually is out of obligation or pity.

He is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend.  Song of Solomon 5:16

They want us to show up

He doesn’t want a wife who simply goes through the motions, isn’t engaged or is mentally preparing her grocery list.  Imagine how sad you would be if he went on a date with you but complained the entire time and said he couldn’t wait until it was over.  He doesn’t want you to approach sex like that either.  They love when we are engaged and show that we enjoy it and want to be there just as much as they do.

They want us to be confident

Exuding confidence is something men find sexy.  In fact I would go as far to say confidence matters more than looks.  Confidence is a real key to having sex appeal!

If you don’t feel confident, fake it.  They say it only takes 30 days to build a habit.  And what better habit to acquire than confidence!

If you’ve read my previous post on making your marriage sizzle, there are some tips in that post for confidence.  Here are a few more tips:

• Wear something that you feel confident in.  It could be anything from red lipstick to jeans that make your butt look good to lingerie that makes you feel extra sassy and sexy.
• Use confident body language.  If you aren’t exactly sure what to do, practice in front of a mirror.  Walking, eye contact and a sexy smirk are all examples of confident body language.
• Use confident self-talk.  Remind yourself of scriptures that tell of your worth.  Tell yourself you are beautiful and feminine and sexy because God made you that way!

They want us to be satisfied

Husbands want their wives to enjoy sex.  In fact most husbands will hold off their own pleasure until she is fulfilled.  A husband’s satisfaction is wrapped up in his ability to send his wife into ecstasy.  Ask your husband how much he enjoys pleasing you, I bet he would say it’s at the top of his list.

From the sexual pleasure standpoint, God is an equal opportunity provider.   God designed both men and women to be able to orgasm.  With vulnerable communication on both ends, it’s absolutely possible to achieve that every time.

They want us to take the reigns

Sharing in the responsibility and privilege of initiating sex is a great thing!  Again, it shows them that we want them.

Here are a few ways you can initiate sex:

• Just tell him.  This one seems obvious, but there are so many ways you can do it.  Either with your voice, a racy text, the tone of your voice, create a code word or write him a note and hide it where you know he’ll find it.  There are great opportunities to be romantic or funny or charming or erotic with your words.
• Show him.  A little butt pat, steamy kiss or crotch grab will get your point across loud and clear.  And it will be the signal to get him thinking what you’re thinking.
• Give a gift.  Think of ways you could use tokens of love to show your husband he rocks your world when it comes to sex!

I hope through this post you gained a little insight into your husband and his desires.  Make sure to come back next Friday for another post in our series on intimacy!