Forever Beloved

Faith, Love & Truth

Walking Through Valleys

On February 17th I had my fourth brain surgery, a shunt revision.  And while the surgery went as planned, the recovery has not.

When my husband was allowed to come in and see me post-op what I was saying didn’t make sense.  He told my nurse, who spoke to my surgeon, who made the call to move me to ICU.  I was there for 8 days.

I have no memory of those days.

I had blood on the brain and my brain was swollen.  I have short-term and long-term memory loss as a result of my surgery.

This has been the hardest valley I’ve ever walked through.

Memory loss is so strange.  I have to write down what I do each day just so I can remember it tomorrow.  Bits and pieces stick, but that’s it.  I can vaguely remember yesterday.

My long-term is about up to November, but after that it’s either really cloudy or non-existent.

My memories almost feel like dreams.  I have to think really hard to sort out if it was a dream or a real memory.

At first I wasn’t allowed to be alone but now I can for short periods of time.  That was hard, especially for someone who normally spends a lot of time alone.  That honestly might have been the hardest part of this.  I feel like I recharge my social battery in solitude.

This surgery and recovery have held a lot of sadness and heartache.  At first I forgot loved ones that have passed on to Heaven were gone.  My poor husband had to tell me, and I grieved them all over again.  I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that was for him!

For some reason, probably brain stuff, the weeks following my surgery held a LOT of tears.  And I mean an obnoxious amount even for a self-proclaimed crier like me.  Praise Jesus that part has subsided some!  To be honest I was tired of crying all the time.  Crying made my head hurt, but those tears refused to be stifled.

But, then God.

One thing I’ve noticed during this recovery is that my brain is constantly telling me to praise God.  Awake or asleep, I’m praising Him.  After all, He’s the reason I’m still here.

I want to share this song I’ve been listening to lately that really resonates with my heart.  It’s This Valley Is For Me by The McKameys.

as i look down this mountain side
i can see where this road goes
the shepherd is leading me
to a place where i can grow
tho’ it seems to be a trying test
i have no doubt he knows what’s best
it just might be a place of perfect rest
this valley is for me

this valley is for me
the waters have been made so sweet
a pleasant rest for my weary feet
this valley is for me
a far cry from the mountain scene
the grass here has been made so green
my shepherd chose this route
so i can say without a doubt
this valley is for me

This has been, without a doubt, my most difficult recovery.  At times, I’ve been worried this may be the rest of my life.  What if my memories don’t return?  I’ve felt fear and anxiety and, at times, anger.

In those moments I remind myself just how powerful the God I serve is!  He is faithful!  The Bible tells us that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. (Heb. 13:8)  He loved and cared for me (and you) in the past and He will continue to love and care for us!

I do covet your prayers, for my memory and healing.

But I know, without a doubt, I will walk whatever path God has for my future.  And I will walk it while praising His name!

 

When Love Changes

I am no stranger to storybook romance.  Marrying at twenty to the sweetest man, I am blessed to be familiar with love – love as a falling and a pursuit and a passion.  We were introduced for the first time on a cold February evening, bundled up as we stood outside while snow gently fell around us.  We stood there with our cherry-red noses, enamored with each other.  It felt like our very own real Lifetime movie.

I am also no stranger to going against the grain and doing life differently than others.  One month later we were engaged.  We were married three months after that, with vows breathed in the little country church I was born into.

We both entered marriage in love with being in love.  I adored the romance, comfort and support a spouse offered.  I loved waking up beside him each morning and laying down beside him each night.  I loved that he was my best friend and knew me better than anyone.  We had our own unwritten language and could share a look or a word that no one else would understand but WE knew what it meant.  I loved how he could make me laugh more than anyone else.

Falling in love is the most blissful feeling.  With each new discovery in your relationship, you feel yourself falling more and more in love.  You just know, in your heart of hearts, that you’ve found the right person to spend the rest of your life with.  You’ve found your person.  Your days are filled with dreams of getting married, writing their last name after your first name, having a family and sitting on the porch swing holding hands while watching your grand-kids play in the yard.  You are certain these feelings will last forever.

But they didn’t.

Eventually the laundry piles up, the kids are hanging on your leg screaming, you’re both sleep deprived from the new baby, the house looks like a tornado went through and the bills are more than your income.  In that moment you feel your happily ever after begin to wear off.

Doubt creeps in.  You begin to wonder if you even married the right person.   It seems everything he does gets on your nerves, from the way he leaves his socks on the stairs to the way he chews his food.  The person you are married to isn’t the same person you fell in love with.  You begin to doubt your choice.  You look at other couples around you, so happily in love, and you wonder why you don’t have that.  Your social media feed is filled with perfect couples in perfect love.  You feel life isn’t fair, at least yours isn’t.  Before long, you can feel your heart slowly drifting away from his.

Sometimes the waters are so rough, you wonder if you’ll make it through.

Slowly, over time, bricks pile up one-by-one — a small comment that hurts, a disrespectful look or being too tired to share details from the day.  Each one doesn’t seem like a big deal, but over days and weeks and months they stack up.  Before you know it they’ve created a wall.  Sure, these bricks can be torn down, but it takes vulnerability.  Someone has to reach out to the other person with a hug, kiss or a kind word.  The same fatigue from the everyday stress of life, the stress which allowed the wall to go up, makes it hard to tear it down.

Throughout the years, I’ve collected every card and love letter my husband has written me.  I have them all safely tucked away, but on occasion I will pull an old one out and pour over the words.  It’s in that moment, between the lines, I can see this love of ours has, without a doubt, changed over time.

It isn’t because it’s any less.  It isn’t because we’re walking through a valley.  It isn’t because the laundry is piled sky high and the bills are mounting.  It is something different.

Love is more of a choice than a feeling.

Click To Tweet

Throughout the past twenty-eight years we’ve made a conscious choice to daily say that we still do, even now.  Especially now.

He has continued to choose me, even on days I wear sweat pants and a messy bun.  He has continued to choose me, throughout every sickness and surgery.  He has continued to choose me, even when I’m undeserving.  He has continued to choose me, even on the days my sass and my attitude make me unlovable.

And I’ve chosen him.

Love is strung together choices.  The feelings, undoubtedly, will rise and fall.  Being in love with love will fade as the toughness of life becomes a reality.  As life goes on we all change, we grow, we mature and life changes us.  But marriage is not meant to be a lifetime commitment to fairy tale love alone.  Marriage is designed to be a repetitive I do, a daily commitment of choosing us over me.

You choose to love who they are at each point in life, not only who they used to be.

Marriage was designed specifically by God to mirror the relationship between Christ and His church.  In marriage, we are acting out a living parable to help our children and others around us grasp what God is like in a more concrete way.

Over the years God has softened and shaped my heart.  He has shown me that I need to love my husband without unreal, fairy tale expectations.  He has shown me that marriage means intentionally looking for love.  It’s in those moments I am flooded with displays of love right in front of me.  Love is the endless miles he’s driven me to doctor appointments.  Love is the hug, kiss and butt slap I get when he walks in the door.  Love is the laundry he does.  Love is his understanding that somehow 8 backyard chickens suddenly became 30.  Love is his support of all my crazy Pinterest ideas.  It’s in these ways and thousands of others that he shows me, he tells me, he loves me.

I am so thankful our love story has so many chapters left to be written in it.  As your love story is written by the ultimate Author of love, you might just be surprised at the romance you find.  And just how much your husband does, in fact, resemble prince charming.  No matter what the situation, or what mess it may hold, he’s still my hero and I’m still his girl.

Healing From Church Hurt

I recently came to the realization that a specific trauma, and my lack of speaking on it, is possibly why I’ve had such a hard time blogging for the past few years.  I’ve blamed it on my health, my grief and my pain.  But last week God made it quite clear what the reason was, and told me what to do with it.

Church hurt.

Unfortunately, it’s a term mostly all of us are familiar with.  If you have been a part of a church for any length of time, you have likely either known someone who experienced it, or you’ve experienced it yourself.  It could have been something you were able to easily move on from or it could have caused irreparable damage.

It seems since 2020 we’ve heard story after story of hurt, trauma and abuse at the hands of trusted churches.  Covid, and the subsequent closing of church doors, gave many of us the opportunity to really spend time unpacking religion.  In the process, the trauma we had experienced rose to the surface.

Many of us lifelong churchgoers invest a lot of our lives into the work of the church.  We serve.  We teach.  We give.  We clean.  We show up early and stay late.  We intertwine our lives with those of the church body.  We don’t do this for recognition, but out of our love for Jesus.

When the church you attend feels like home, being wounded by those you considered family hits differently.  It stings more, cuts deeper and lasts longer.  Sadly, many of us have experienced that deep hurt.

The road to healing feels long and exhausting and at times impossible.  It’s full of questions, doubt and oh-so-many tears.  You make your way through what feels like every emotion…anger, grief, shock, sadness, fear, confusion and so many more.

But, then God.

Though the road to healing is long, there is hope.  It’s the hope we can only find in Jesus.

The way forward hasn’t been easy, or quick, but it has been filled with God’s grace.  God is gracious toward us in suffering, and He works graciously in us through suffering.  His grace empowers us and gives us the ability to go beyond what we could on our own.  His grace shows us how to show love, how to give grace to those who have hurt us and to those in His Body who have had nothing to do with hurting us.

One thing that He has reminded me of time and time again is that the church is fully comprised of imperfect people who have been called together by the perfect one, Jesus.  If we put our faith in people, they will always fail us.  But if we put our faith in Jesus, He never will.  In Matthew 16, Jesus told Peter that He would build His church on one thing.  This one thing wasn’t the perfection of people but the faith they have in Him.

If you grew up in the church as I did, you know we are called to fellowship with the Body of Christ.  1 Corinthians 12:12 says, “For just as the body is one and has many parts, and all the parts of that body, though many, are one body—so also is Christ.”

Jesus experienced hurt from people throughout His whole life and yet He never wavered in His call to be in community.  Just think of that, He never let hurt or anger determine His fellowshipping.  He loved unconditionally and served joyfully despite what His human feelings may have been leading Him to do.

I’m going to be honest, forgiveness isn’t something that comes easily for me.  I have to spend a lot, and I mean A LOT, of time talking to God about it and be very intentional in forgiving someone.  In Colossians 3:13 we’re told “Bear with one another and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.“  We are to offer forgiveness because God has forgiven us.  That one is ouchie, isn’t it?  I have to intentionally choose forgiveness with my entire heart.  I have to put my hurt, anger and brokenness in His hands and leave it there.  When I do, His loving beauty pours in.

When I think of forgiving someone, I’m often reminded of a verse my sweet Dad often quote to me.  When I would be really mad at someone, he’d remind me of Matthew 18:21-22 where it says “Then Peter came up to Him and said, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?  As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven”.

Though we are called to forgive, that doesn’t also mean reconcile.  Forgiveness and reconciliation are separate concepts, they don’t go hand-in-hand.  The difference between forgiveness and reconciliation is that forgiveness requires nothing from the person we’re forgiving.  They don’t even have to know we are forgiving them.  And forgiveness might look like you walking away.

We are not responsible for other peoples actions, but we are responsible for our reactions.  Our reactions shouldn’t be angry or hateful, though if I’m being honest that is my first gut reaction.  Instead, we should show them kindness even when we don’t want to.  We should offer them grace, be patient and forgiving when it’s easier not to.

If you are also healing from church hurt, I want you to know I understand.  Eventually you will find another church that feels like home when you walk through the doors.  You will find sweet fellowship.  You will smile and raise your hands in praise.  Trust me, but more importantly trust Him.