Walking Through Valleys

On February 17th I had my fourth brain surgery, a shunt revision.  And while the surgery went as planned, the recovery has not.

When my husband was allowed to come in and see me post-op what I was saying didn’t make sense.  He told my nurse, who spoke to my surgeon, who made the call to move me to ICU.  I was there for 8 days.

I have no memory of those days.

I had blood on the brain and my brain was swollen.  I have short-term and long-term memory loss as a result of my surgery.

This has been the hardest valley I’ve ever walked through.

Memory loss is so strange.  I have to write down what I do each day just so I can remember it tomorrow.  Bits and pieces stick, but that’s it.  I can vaguely remember yesterday.

My long-term is about up to November, but after that it’s either really cloudy or non-existent.

My memories almost feel like dreams.  I have to think really hard to sort out if it was a dream or a real memory.

At first I wasn’t allowed to be alone but now I can for short periods of time.  That was hard, especially for someone who normally spends a lot of time alone.  That honestly might have been the hardest part of this.  I feel like I recharge my social battery in solitude.

This surgery and recovery have held a lot of sadness and heartache.  At first I forgot loved ones that have passed on to Heaven were gone.  My poor husband had to tell me, and I grieved them all over again.  I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that was for him!

For some reason, probably brain stuff, the weeks following my surgery held a LOT of tears.  And I mean an obnoxious amount even for a self-proclaimed crier like me.  Praise Jesus that part has subsided some!  To be honest I was tired of crying all the time.  Crying made my head hurt, but those tears refused to be stifled.

But, then God.

One thing I’ve noticed during this recovery is that my brain is constantly telling me to praise God.  Awake or asleep, I’m praising Him.  After all, He’s the reason I’m still here.

I want to share this song I’ve been listening to lately that really resonates with my heart.  It’s This Valley Is For Me by The McKameys.

as i look down this mountain side
i can see where this road goes
the shepherd is leading me
to a place where i can grow
tho’ it seems to be a trying test
i have no doubt he knows what’s best
it just might be a place of perfect rest
this valley is for me

this valley is for me
the waters have been made so sweet
a pleasant rest for my weary feet
this valley is for me
a far cry from the mountain scene
the grass here has been made so green
my shepherd chose this route
so i can say without a doubt
this valley is for me

This has been, without a doubt, my most difficult recovery.  At times, I’ve been worried this may be the rest of my life.  What if my memories don’t return?  I’ve felt fear and anxiety and, at times, anger.

In those moments I remind myself just how powerful the God I serve is!  He is faithful!  The Bible tells us that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. (Heb. 13:8)  He loved and cared for me (and you) in the past and He will continue to love and care for us!

I do covet your prayers, for my memory and healing.

But I know, without a doubt, I will walk whatever path God has for my future.  And I will walk it while praising His name!