Forever Beloved

How are you doing?

At least once a week, I’m asked that question.  Always by the kindest, most caring souls I know.  People that would be quick with an encouraging word, offering prayers and a sweet smile.  But every time I’m asked, it feels like a loaded question.

Should I tell them truthfully how I’m doing?

Maybe it’s because my health is ever changing.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t been sleeping well.  Maybe it’s because my stress level has become close to 2007 Britney.  Whatever the reason, I’ve grown tired of dodging the question, this week I decided to start telling the truth.

“I don’t feel well most days.” And that was just the beginning.

I told about the recent doctor appointment I had with a dismissive doctor that wasn’t good at listening, the frustrations that arose from that and the pain that came from a procedure she performed not once but twice.

I told about an upcoming surgery and the stress of having to plan that around my already booked wedding clients.

And I told about a new, really scary diagnosis that will result in a large and fairly serious surgery in the upcoming months.  But the excitement of how well I’ll feel after my healing.

Not shockingly, sharing with others began to lighten my load and was such a tremendous relief.  But it left me wondering why this doesn’t come more naturally to me.  Why is it easier for me to say I’m fine rather than share the burdens of my heart?

What am I afraid of?

I’m going to be honest here y’all.  I’m afraid my honesty will be labeled as attention seeking.  And I don’t quite believe my pain is worthy of attention.  I much prefer being the asker, the one who leans in to hear the pain of another.  The one who mourns with those who mourns, and weeps with those who weep.  Those people are my people and I want to be there for them.

But recently I’ve heard a still, small voice telling me to let others in.  That my pride, or what I’ve perceived as strength, has resulted in me not allowing others to do the same for me.  And encouraging me to share my story freely.

I was recently asked to share my story to a group of women through a live video.  During that live, words left my mouth that shocked even me.  Words that I can’t stop thinking about.

I have found so much joy in this journey, there isn’t anything I would change.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s been hard in many ways.  It’s been physically, emotionally and mentally difficult.  I’ve lost friendships.  I’ve lost my job.  It has changed my appearance and it has changed who I am as a person.  It has changed my marriage.  It has caused my children to have to really think hard to remember what life was like before Mama was sick and they’ve had to grow up faster than they should.

Looking around at my circumstances, to be honest, sucked every ounce of joy out of me.  I was in pain, I was homebound many days, the friendships I thought I could lean on were gone and I was sad.  The only way out was to look up.  I knew I had to.  I needed to see something beyond what my eyes told me.  So I looked for Jesus, often.

In the darkest places, I found Him there with me.  Speaking to my heart.  Speaking life into the hurt places.  I’ve learned what it’s like to seek joy and find it.  I’ve learned that even in the hard times, He gives us enormous blessings.  I’ve learned joy doesn’t come and go with our circumstances.  But joy can be experienced despite our circumstances.  Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, second only to love, it flows from God, not circumstances.  We have a fundamental need for joy in our lives.  Life without joy is overwhelming, depressing and just plain sad.

Joy comes in knowing Jesus and experiencing His presence.  Joy comes when we fall more in love with the One who loves us most.  To experience joy is to experience Jesus.

So many times we want joy, but not trails.  We want faith, but not testing.

Y’all, I’ve thought many times how much easier my life would be without pain, without surgeries, without loneliness and without financial hardships.

But God often uses the hard to refine us.  To transform us into the person we were created to be in the first place.  More like Him.

In the short book of Philippians {only four chapters long} Paul uses the word “joy” 16 times.  I find this absolutely amazing.  Do you know why?  Paul didn’t write this book when he was on vacation at the beach.  He didn’t write it overlooking a sunset.  He was in prison in Rome, waiting to be executed.  In the darkest days of his life, he wrote the most positive book in the Bible.

When we find ourselves with Jesus, we can find joy in every journey.