Forever Beloved

Last week we looked at our husband’s need to be respected.  But we also touched on a wife’s desire to be loved.  This week we’ll look more closely at what love looks like to wives.

Three times in this passage of Scripture God commands husbands to do something specific: love their wife.

While the wife is instructed to submit, the husband is instructed to love their wife.  Not just kinda sorta love her, but to love their wife as Christ loved the church.  Paul does not tell husbands in this passage to rule over their wife.  They are never told, “make sure your wife knows you’re in authority over her or show her who’s in charge.”  Instead God tells you men three times to love your wife.

Love her.

God’s command to love your wife involves more than just acting in love when you feel emotionally or physically close to your wife.  God doesn’t tell you to love your wife just when she is being affectionate and loving to you.  He doesn’t say to love your wife only when you feel she is deserving of it.  And it doesn’t say to withhold love when she’s sassy {thank goodness}.  God commands: cherish your wife.  Have affection for your wife.  Love her.

I’m going to admit, it takes me a while to catch on to things.  And many times I need it laid right out in front of me.  Sometimes it makes it a little easier when you can read a list.  So I spoke to various wives and asked them what they saw as active love.  I’ve composed a little list of their answers.

• spontaneity (flowers for no reason, a surprise date night)
• being aware of what fills your spouses heart with love and security
• taking the time to get to know your spouse and what makes her feel loved
• listening
• intentional one-on-one time
• being involved in their activities
• lending a helping hand
• affection (holding hands, kissing and butt smacks)
• positive affirmations
• keeping your word
• including her in activities your doing
• love notes
• sex

Husbands, it’s so important to let your wife know how much she means to you.  Tell her.  Tell her over and over again.  Write her a note to tell her and hide it in a place she’ll find it.  Believe me, she’ll appreciate that more than you know.  And she’ll more than likely shed a few tears.  Give her a big hug and kiss when you walk in the door after work.  Just hold her in your arms.  From a woman’s perspective, this little act of kindness can wash away the negative things that happened during the day and change the tone of the evening.  And I betcha this would also be a good step towards getting that smokin’ hot marriage we all want!

How did Jesus ultimately show His love the church?  He died to establish it.  Wow… I know, right.  Are you willing to do that?  You are also to love your wife more than you love yourself.  In reality, Christ is asking you to put your wife’s needs before your own.  What makes that difficult is our own selfish hearts.  It doesn’t help that you have the world in your ear, telling you that you are entitled to put your own needs first.  And if you don’t…well then you’re either a sissy, hen-pecked or really foolish.

Submission can’t be forced, ever.  Trying to control others (including your wife) is prideful, selfish and sinful.  It doesn’t honor God or others.  And it certainly won’t make for a very happy marriage.  Being controlling isn’t loving at all.  If your wife isn’t submitting, ask yourself “Am I loving my wife as Christ loved the church?” If the answer is no, then I’d say that is something you need to work on.  Work on your part and don’t worry about her part.  Once your heart is in the right place, then the two of you can work on submission together.

A truly Christian marriage will mirror the relationship between Christ and his church.  This mirroring will involve both the husband loving his wife as Christ loves the church, and the wife gladly submitting to her husband.  The two elements, love and submission, are non-negotiable within the relationship.  Both elements, love and submission are required for our marriages to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church.

So this week…guys, love on your wife.  Hug her, kiss her, hold her, listen to her and just spend genuine quality time loving her.

We’ve all heard the saying Men are from mars, women are from Venus.  We all know that’s not true, obviously.  But what is true is God created men and women equally but differently, very differently.  We have different designs, different roles and different responsibilities.

God created men with a need to have respect from their wife.  Women were created with a desire to receive love from their husband.  So many times during an argument a wife will react without respect which will make the husband react without love.  That creates an ugly, vicious cycle.

Men need to know that they are adequate, that they are enough and that they are worthy of our respect.  How often do we truly show our husbands the respect they desire?

So, I know this girl who has a hot, quick temper and a big, fat mouth and she can cut to the bone with words.  She is also strong, stubborn, opinionated, and self-centered at times.  And a perfectionist that likes to have things done a certain way.  She grew up speaking her mind and using harsh words to get her point across.  It didn’t mean there was a lack of love for that person, it simply meant she had a point to make.  Fast-forward to current day.  We now live in an age where it’s common and popular to portray men as idiots, fools and overgrown adolescents.  Think of how many sitcoms feature an “inadequate husband and wife who knows everything”.  And I absolutely admit, I have given in to the how in the world would men ever survive without us dynamic.  Biblically, I would probably be stoned for my insolence.  My husband is a pretty easygoing person, which made it easy for me to step into the role of dictator and look down my nose at him.  I tend to micromanage, control, nag and critique.  It’s my nature, but it’s not respectful—or loving!  And it is something this strong-willed wife is working on daily, even now after 22 years of marriage.

God’s design for marriage is laid out in Ephesians 5.  Remember last week we revealed that our marriage was designed specifically to mirror our relationship between Christ and His church.  God intended marriage to mirror His relationship with the church so that we could basically be a testimony to others and SHOW them what God is like.  That should change the way we look at our marriage.

I’ve read this verse over and over again.  It doesn’t say respect your husband only when you feel he deserves it, it doesn’t say he has to GIVE respect to GET respect and it’s certainly not up to us to deem when he is worthy of it.  God was pretty clear with this verse, the wife MUST respect her husband.  Period.  Unless there is a Biblically moral issue at stake (in which God’s authority will supersede our husbands).

Respect doesn’t mean you become a doormat or that you can never have an opinion on anything.  Respect simply means honoring the dignity of the other person–and recognizing their inherent worth as a human being created by God.

Respecting your husband doesn’t mean making yourself unimportant or completely excusing his behavior when your husband is a jerk and walks all over you.

It means that you don’t treat him like he’s inferior, like he’s a child, or like his opinions and preferences don’t matter.  You value him and treat him honorably.  You view your husband as God views him, as a dearly beloved child of God, and you act like it.

So, I am basically a pro at pointing out my husband’s faults and failures.  I can pick up on disrespect lickity-split when it’s coming from someone else but can’t see when I’m being disrespectful to my husband.  If it takes you a while to catch on, like me, sometimes it makes it a little easier when you can read a list.  So I spoke to various Christian husbands and asked them what they saw as disrespectful.  I’ve composed a little list of their answers.

• nagging
• not communicating with him
• being antagonistic
• speaking badly of him in front of others and belittling him
• not spending time with him
• always complaining, no matter what he does
• yelling at him
• undermining his authority
• not giving him the attention he craves
• withholding sex and using it to manipulate a situation
• cutting him off mid-sentence
• shifting blame to him
• being demanding
• body language – sighing, frowning while you talk and eye rolling
• criticizing him
• putting yourself first rather than him and your family
• not having confidence in his decision making
• speaking to others about your marital problems rather than him
• showing other men attention rather than him

Every man has his own definition of disrespect and what actions show him that.  There are some things that basically every man would find disrespectful and some things that are just specific to your husband.  What matters the absolute most is what your husband finds disrespectful.  Ask your husband what actions these are and make a mental note of them or write them down in your journal.  Ask him what actions really speak respect to him also.  You’ll know which actions to phase out and which ones to increase.  Pay attention to all his answers.

As wives, we have so much power to destroy our husbands or to build them up.  We need to learn to be respectful wives who value our husbands’ leadership.  We need to honor Christ with every word and action!  I would bet if we showed them more respect they would show us more love.  When a wife respects her husband it deepens her love for him.  So really, it’s a win win situation for everyone.  Lots of respect and lots of love, sounds pretty amazing to me.

Instead of waiting for him earn your respect, behave respectfully and watch him grow into the man God designed him to be.  Treat him like a king, and eventually, hopefully, he will begin to treat you like a queen.

Godly submission and respect not only adorns the gospel; it makes us beautiful as well.