Forever Beloved

this might be the hardest post i’ve ever shared.  ever.  i’ve been writing this for days, pouring over it hours at a time.  i’ve been back and forth with if i should even post it.  it’s hard and uncomfortable, but God has called me to share.

i’ve always had this dialogue in my head.  the exact conversation i wanted to have with my children once they reached an age of understanding.  then that conversation is drown out by the loud voice saying you can’t tell them that, tell them your mistakes?  then they’ll run and do the same thing you did.  why would you even consider sharing that?  such a stupid idea.  why would you want to share your shame?  and so, for years, i’ve kept this hidden inside me.  until today.  it’s time to hush up that loud voice that satan is oh-so-good at putting in my mind.  it’s time to add more transparency.  it’s time to be real.

when i was growing up, i didn’t have a purity ring.  i didn’t have limits set or a plan of action.  i had the church simply saying “don’t do it or God will be mad”.  but everyday, i sat and listened to teens around me talking about sex like it was the best thing since sliced bread.  and there i sat, struggling to fit in anyways.  this was just one more way i wasn’t going to fit in.  i had no story to share.  maybe if i had a story to share, then i would fit in.  then i wouldn’t get made fun of for my full lips or big booty.  then girls wouldn’t be mean to me for reasons i still don’t know.  then boys would actually not be afraid to say they liked me, instead of telling me not to tell anyone.  that was the answer, i needed my own story.

i wish i had heard that purity was beautiful.  valuable.  precious.  an amazing gift given to us by God to give to our spouse.  i wish purity had been a bigger topic among my circle.  i wish i had been told that God’s grace is bigger than the choices we make.  i wish i had heard that we are all sinners.  i wish i had heard more about forgiveness rather than being scoffed at.

i adore the words from this phillips, craig and dean song.  every single time i hear it, my eyes fill with tears.

He ran to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to His chest,
Said “My son’s come home again!”
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice He said
“Son, do you know I still love You?”
He caught me by surprise, When God ran…

my story is filled with Gods grace, forgiveness and love.  it’s full of the times He ran to me, wiped my tears and told me He still loved me.  it’s filled with an amazing husband who, even though i was broken, accepted me for who i was and loved me.