Forever Beloved

For a complete list of The Blogvember Challenge prompts, click HERE!

November 8 –What songs would be on the soundtrack of your life?

Music is powerful.  And it has been a huge part of my entire life.  With one note it can take you soaring back to a moment in time.  It can lift your soul.  It can make you shed tears of grief.  It can make you laugh.  Music is a universal language, you don’t even have to understand the words if the artist is pouring their soul into the song.

I’ve grown up surrounded by music.  I took piano lessons during my early elementary school years.  I picked up clarinet in late elementary and bass clarinet in high school.  I toted that big thing around in football band and marching band.  Until my sophomore year when I joined the color guard rifle squad.  I was in chorus from the first year it was offered until I graduated.  I also grew up in a musical family.  My Grandma always had music playing in her house, my Dad was always singing or humming an old hymn and every summer our big family outing was spending the weekend at a hymn sing.

As a teenager I loved making mixtapes.  I would spend hours beside the radio, waiting for a song to come on so I could record it.  It was inevitable…either the phone would ring, the dog would bark or someone would talk.  There was always one mixtape that was your favorite, and you’d play it again and again until it wore out.

When I met my husband, his love for music equaled mine.  Many of our dates were just driving around listening to music.  And his voice played such an important role in our love story.  After we had babies, our house was full of music and singing and living room dance parties.

In my life there is a song for every pivotal moment.  And when those songs come on, it takes me right back in time to that exact moment.  Music has always been tied to emotions with me.  There are songs to this day that still invoke the memories of what it meant to me years ago.

My Life Mixtape

Daddy Sang Bass by The Statler Brothers // When I was little our only way to play music was on a record player.  One of the first records I can remember us having was Statler Brothers hymns.  It was mine and my Dads favorites. I wore that poor record out.  I adored this song and listening to my Dad sing it.  I’m blessed to have a husband that can sing the best bass around. And sometimes if I turn this song on, I can talk him into singing it with me.  When I’m sitting at my desk working or browsing Facebook, I always have Gaither Vocal Band radio station on.  My love for quartets and harmonies is serious.

Standing on the Promises by Alan Jackson // During my piano lesson years, old hymns were part of my curriculum.  When I would practice at home and play this song, my Dad would come in and stand beside the piano and sing.  He would sing the melody and I would sing the harmony.  My neighbor said her favorite summer evenings were swinging on her porch listening to me play the piano and my Dad and I singing.  Those are such precious memories for me.  Even now, when there is a Sunday we sing this song in church, my heart does a little leap.  And you can bet I belt out those harmonies.

Friends by Michael W. Smith // So, so many tears were cried at church camp while singing this song around the campfire.  Arms around each others shoulders, swaying back and forth and crying our faces off.  It’s so funny, all these years later and I still get teary when I hear this song.

The Son Hath Made Me Free by The Kingsboys // While other teenage girls were crushing on NKOTB and Backstreet Boys, this girl was crushing hard on the Kingsboys.  Goodness.  Teenage Christian boys that can harmonize, wasn’t that every girls dream?  I had every single one of their albums, one even being autographed.  I still play them and sing along, although I can only do that when I’m home alone.  The rest of my family aren’t fans of their music.  I’m still a sucker for amazing harmonies.  Fairly sure I have my Dad to thank for that.

Hold On by Wilson Phillips // My Freshman trip was hard y’all.  I felt like everyone was in their cliques, including my friends, and I had no one to buddy around with that day.  The entire day was hard, beginning to end.  I couldn’t wait for it to end and me to crawl into my Moms car and go home.  On the bus ride home this song came on.  I was thankful it was dark, because the tears were rolling down my face.  Every single time I hear this song, it takes me right back to that day.  And how heartbroken my little teenage heart felt.

To Be With You by Mr. Big // Every single time I hear this song it takes me back to a dance after a wrestling match.  It was a cold snowy Friday night.  I was feeling a little sad because the boys kept asking my friend to dance and no one asked me.  But then this song came on and I didn’t care that no one had asked me to dance, I just sat along the wall and sang my heart out.

The Truth is Lyin’ Next to You by Randy Travis // This song, oh this song.  It holds such a precious place in our love story.  When we were dating he sang this song to me, while looking in my eyes through the entire song.  As the tears rolled down my cheeks, that was the moment I fell in love with him and knew he’d be my forever.

I Want to Stroll Over Heaven with You by Alan Jackson // This song also holds such a special place in my heart.  During a hard season in my marriage I listened to this on repeat.  I would text my husband the lyrics daily.  I want to stroll over Heaven with you some glad day.  When all our troubles and heartaches are vanished away.  Then we’ll enjoy the beauty where all things are new.  I want to stroll over Heaven with you.  I would sing along while tears rolled down my face.  And being where we are now in our marriage makes this song even more special.  I know someday we’ll be strolling through Heaven, hand in hand.

Shoop by Salt -N-Pepa // In this family we enjoy a good car dance party.  And they happen quite often.  There are a few must haves on our playlist, and this is one of them.  Along with Ice Ice Baby and Hold On.  As you can see, this Mama trained her littles to enjoy some old school music.  Throw in a little Whitney and the list is complete.

Love Me Anyways by Pink and Chris Stapleton // I’ve never had such an instant emotional connection to a song.  The first line alone made the tears flow.  Throughout this medical journey, I’ve acquired quite a few scars.  And I’m so blessed that my husband loves me anyway.

Are y’all ready to bust out your headphones or turn up the speakers for today’s prompt?  I’m so excited to listen to the soundtracks of your life!

Here we are, a week into Blogvember already!  This month is just flying by and before you know it, the snow will be flying here.  Yikes, not quite ready for that yet.

For a complete list of The Blogvember Challenge prompts, click HERE!

November 7 – Share a struggle you’re currently going through.  And give advice to others who may be facing the same struggle.

For the past nine years I’ve been on a journey.  A hard journey.  It’s been hard emotionally, mentally and most of all physically.

In the fall of 2011 I went in for a routine laparoscopic hysterectomy.  One of the first cuts the doctor made hit a main artery.  A 9 inch incision, 2 units of blood, 1 unit of plasma and 1 unit of platelets later I woke in ICU.  I had nearly died during the surgery.  And during the surgery the doctor also missed a huge cyst on my left ovary.  Four months later I went in to have that removed.

During that surgery, the same doctor put a clip on my ureter and put a hole in it.  Three days later I had emergency surgery for a kidney that hadn’t drained in days.  They installed a stent, hoping that would help the ureter heal.

Over the next 7 months, I had 8 surgeries to replace the stent.  Each one would get corroded and calcified and cause a kidney infection, which would knock me on my butt.  Finally the doctors at the Cleveland Clinic determined I needed a ureter reconstruction.

In October of 2012 I had a 14 hour surgery to repair my damaged ureter.  While they were operating, they also found I had a partial bowel obstruction from adhesions and that was fixed as well.

The surgery was a success!  But sadly, my kidney had too much damage done to it.  It was no longer functioning at all and was causing more harm than good.  In February of 2013 I had my kidney removed.  It was a routine surgery but unfortunately I had a small stroke during it, awaking to a completely numb face on the left side.

Because of all the prior abdominal surgeries, adhesions were growing rampant in my abdomen.  And we found out I have Adhesion Related Disorder.  I’ve had four robotic lysis of adhesions, and it’s a surgery I will need for the remainder of my life every year or so.

I found out in March of 2018 that I was born with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a diagnosis that explains so much of my medical journey thus far.  The EDS has caused Intracranial Hypertension (my body produces too much cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) and the pressure within my skull is too high).  The Intracranial Hypertension had also caused stenosis of a vein in my brain, a partially empty sella, hearing loss, the loss of eye sight, memory issues and horrible daily headaches.  And the stenosis of my right transverse sinus also increased my stroke risk (and explains the stroke I had during the 2013 surgery).

In June of 2018 I had a stent placed in my right transverse sinus, hopeful that it would reduce the pressure inside my skull but knowing it was up to my brain to see it as a solution.  It didn’t.  And in October of 2018 I had a Ventriculoperitoneal (VP) Shunt placed in my brain.  It has lowered the pressure a bit, but we’re still in the process of getting things just right.

But because of having EDS, my body doesn’t heal quite right.  And the incision in my abdomen from my shunt surgery didn’t heal correctly, and it created an incisional hernia.  Not only that, but the hernia also pulled my shunt tubing up out of the right side of my abdomen and had it laying on my liver.  Just last month I had surgery to correct the incisional hernia and a shunt revision.

To say this has been a taxing, scary time is putting it mildly.

But, God.

And as I’ve said numerous times, God has me on this journey for a reason that is precious and perfect. And while I may not know His reason, I will praise Him in the midst.

Throughout this entire journey I’ve been reminded time and time again of God’s extravagant love for me.  In the darkest places, I found Him there with me.  Speaking to my heart.  Speaking life into the hurt places.  I’ve learned what it’s like to seek and find Him. I’ve thrown myself at His feet in a teary heap.  I’ve learned that even in the hard times, He gives us enormous blessings.  I’ve learned joy doesn’t come and go with our circumstances.  But joy can be experienced despite our circumstances.  Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, second only to love, it flows from God, not circumstances.  We have a fundamental need for joy in our lives.  Life without joy is overwhelming, depressing and just plain sad.

God loves all of us extravagantly.  And He’s not finished with a single one of us.  The fact is, He has a sovereign plan that is for good and not evil.  For joy and not sorrow.  He is writing a story of on-going redemption with each of our lives.  Our lives are woven together through seasons.  It’s one person’s season to experience this.  And another person’s season to experience that.  Neither is loved more.  Neither is more dispensable.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 sums up what I’ve felt in my heart in a few simple, powerful words: He hath made every thing beautiful in his time.

His time. His time. His time. HIS TIME.

Joy comes in knowing Jesus, experiencing His presence and trusting His timing.  Joy comes when we fall more in love with the One who loves us most.  To experience joy is to experience Jesus.

So many times we want joy, but not trails.  We want faith, but not testing.

Y’all, I’m going to be honest, I’ve thought many times how much easier my life would be without pain, without surgeries, without loneliness and without financial hardships.

But God often uses the hard to refine us.  To transform us into the person we were created to be in the first place.  More like Him.

If you are going through a hard season of trials, I encourage you to find joy in the midst of the hard.  While it isn’t always easy, it is always worth it!

 

I have to admit, this prompt has been one of my favorites thus far.  I love old photos, and enjoyed sitting down and going through them.  And yes, I am holding a baby groundhog in the one picture.  I’m excited to read through all your letters to your younger self!

For a complete list of The Blogvember Challenge prompts, click HERE!

November 6 – Write a letter to the 16-year-old you.

 

Dear Beautiful Girl,

Oh pretty girl.  If I could give you anything right now it would be a hug.

I would stand there and just hold you, look you in the eyes and promise you that it does get better.  It really does.  These years don’t define you.  I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of that right now, but it gets better.  So much better.

I know you’re listening to Garth Brooks while everyone else is listening to Metallica.  I know you’re driving a John Deere and plowing a garden while everyone else is hanging out with their friends.  I know you’re sharpening the blades on the lawnmower while everyone else is heading to the beach.  I know you feel like you don’t fit in.  There is so much more to life than fitting in.  And actually someday being country is actually cool!

I know how critically important it feels to fit in, to be cool, and most of all, to be beautiful.  And thin.  Oh, how important that is.

I want you to know a few things.  First of all, you are thin!  And your 40something self will wish she looked like you.  Secondly, a woman’s worth is not determined by her weight.  You know that. Deep down you have to know that.

But yet…

I see the days when you eat a candy bar, sneak out into the bathroom to try to vomit it up.  It doesn’t work and just makes you feel like more of a failure.  I see the days when you can’t concentrate because you’re hungry.  You’ve convinced yourself that food is disgusting and when you glance around the lunchroom, watching everyone shove food in their mouth, it makes you nauseous.  Again, you revise your daily 600-calorie or less menu.  One thing it can never include is food at school in front of others.  I see you leafing through the pages of the latest issue of Seventeen, tears dripping down your cheeks because you’ll never look like those girls, and it makes you feel like your worth is less than zero.

I know you hate your lips and how full they are. Those kids around you haven’t helped that matter at all, calling you horrible racist names. But guess what? Some day women are going to pay to have amazing lips like yours! I know, right? And God gave you them for free.  They set you apart and make you unique.

I know you’ve waited so long to finally turn 16 and be allowed to date.  And you think he’s your prince charming.  But sadly, for two years he fills your head with “I won’t date a fat girl, remember that”, “Look how fat your thighs look in those pants.  Don’t ever wear them again when you’re with me.” and “If you would just lose weight, you’d be so beautiful.”  You will spend countless date nights sitting in restaurants watching him eat because he feels you’ve had your calorie fill for the day.  And countless nights hungrily crying yourself to sleep.  Eventually he is out of the picture, but his words aren’t.

But in just four short years you will marry the man of your dreams.  He see’s the broken places in your heart but he doesn’t see you as broken.  He will grab your hand, look you in the eyes and step forward with you.  When he is by your side, everything from your past will melt away.  God knew at that exact moment in your life you needed to feel worthy, loved and protected.  And He sent you the perfect person to fulfill that role.  He rescues you from all the past pain, struggles and hurt.  And you will finally feel safe, protected and so very loved.

Darling, gorgeous, lovely, wonderfulness…you are beautiful and worthy exactly as you are, and nothing anyone can say or do will change that truth. Do you hear me? Your body type does not dictate your worth, no matter what society tells us.

God has told you the truth about who you are. You are beautiful simply because He made you. The only perspective that matters and the only One who defines us is our Maker. How freeing is that truth?

You are beautiful.  Nothing can change that fact.  Ever.  Not aging, not gray hair and not scars from surgeries.  The only thing that can change is whether you believe it or not.

Despite what all the guidance counselors tell you, these years do not define you.  You will be so, so much more than high school.  You are a child of God…and no prom dress, hair cut, boyfriend, car, or fight with a friend can ever change that.  Everything happens for a reason and God will bless you in ways beyond what you can imagine!

You are wonderful and worthy.  Please remember that.  You are amazing!

Love,
Your Future Self

PS…Your hair is amazing. Enjoy every single second of your big hair, soon it goes out of style and never comes back in. I know, unbelievable. But the adult you is still holding out hope it will come back in style someday.