Forever Beloved

Today we’re going to discuss what your husband wants in bed.  Now clearly I am not a man and I can’t say with certainly exactly what is in your husbands head.  But I feel with the research I’ve done and through extensive talks with my own husband, we can dive into this topic.

Archibald Hart, the author of The Sexual Man (Nashville: W Publishing Group, 1994) took a poll of 150 Christian married men, 83 percent stated that they don’t believe that women understand a man’s sex drive.  So let’s talk about that first.

May you rejoice in the wife of your youth.  A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always; may you ever be captivated by her love.  Proverbs 5:18-19

God designed your husband’s brain to cherish you and to be enthralled with your body.  The definition I found of enthralled is so beautiful.  It means to be fascinated with, filled with delight and wonder at something, to the point where time seems to stand still.  Imagine when your husband looks at your body it takes his breath away and time stands still.

God has also made a man’s body to highly enjoy and desire sex.  And they are also very visual.

Husbands feel alone with their secrets and desires; they are at a loss about how to communicate this to their wives.  For many men, their attempts to share their desires with their wives have been met with disinterest or even at times anger.  We can’t just pretend their sexuality doesn’t exist.

So today, I want us to dive into what our men want.

They want us to want them

They want to feel that we want them.  Not just to never say no to them, but to say yes to them in our hearts.  They don’t want us to treat it as just another chore alongside laundry and dishes.  They want us to want them with all we have, our heart soul and mind.

He wants to be desired sexually, not feel like he’s reluctantly serviced.  Your husband doesn’t want you to have sex with him because you feel guilty; he wants you to want to be with him!  He doesn’t want to feel like the only time he can be with his wife sexually is out of obligation or pity.

He is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend.  Song of Solomon 5:16

They want us to show up

He doesn’t want a wife who simply goes through the motions, isn’t engaged or is mentally preparing her grocery list.  Imagine how sad you would be if he went on a date with you but complained the entire time and said he couldn’t wait until it was over.  He doesn’t want you to approach sex like that either.  They love when we are engaged and show that we enjoy it and want to be there just as much as they do.

They want us to be confident

Exuding confidence is something men find sexy.  In fact I would go as far to say confidence matters more than looks.  Confidence is a real key to having sex appeal!

If you don’t feel confident, fake it.  They say it only takes 30 days to build a habit.  And what better habit to acquire than confidence!

If you’ve read my previous post on making your marriage sizzle, there are some tips in that post for confidence.  Here are a few more tips:

• Wear something that you feel confident in.  It could be anything from red lipstick to jeans that make your butt look good to lingerie that makes you feel extra sassy and sexy.
• Use confident body language.  If you aren’t exactly sure what to do, practice in front of a mirror.  Walking, eye contact and a sexy smirk are all examples of confident body language.
• Use confident self-talk.  Remind yourself of scriptures that tell of your worth.  Tell yourself you are beautiful and feminine and sexy because God made you that way!

They want us to be satisfied

Husbands want their wives to enjoy sex.  In fact most husbands will hold off their own pleasure until she is fulfilled.  A husband’s satisfaction is wrapped up in his ability to send his wife into ecstasy.  Ask your husband how much he enjoys pleasing you, I bet he would say it’s at the top of his list.

From the sexual pleasure standpoint, God is an equal opportunity provider.   God designed both men and women to be able to orgasm.  With vulnerable communication on both ends, it’s absolutely possible to achieve that every time.

They want us to take the reigns

Sharing in the responsibility and privilege of initiating sex is a great thing!  Again, it shows them that we want them.

Here are a few ways you can initiate sex:

• Just tell him.  This one seems obvious, but there are so many ways you can do it.  Either with your voice, a racy text, the tone of your voice, create a code word or write him a note and hide it where you know he’ll find it.  There are great opportunities to be romantic or funny or charming or erotic with your words.
• Show him.  A little butt pat, steamy kiss or crotch grab will get your point across loud and clear.  And it will be the signal to get him thinking what you’re thinking.
• Give a gift.  Think of ways you could use tokens of love to show your husband he rocks your world when it comes to sex!

I hope through this post you gained a little insight into your husband and his desires.  Make sure to come back next Friday for another post in our series on intimacy!

The silent burden you’re carrying seems too heavy to lift some days.  The hurt, the extreme hurt, seems to reach directly down to your bones.  The knife stabbing pains of a broken heart.  There are days where the pain literally takes away your ability to breathe.

Things that once looked so familiar to you now look like things you don’t even recognize.  The coffee pot he made coffee in each morning while he was lying to you.  The couch you snuggled on while watching TV while he was lying to you.  The stairs you both walked up to your bedroom while he was lying to you.  The socks he put on each morning while he was lying to you.  Literally every single item in your house is filled with lies.  And as you glance around each day, that is what you see.

Some might tell you to take comfort in knowing you aren’t suffering alone, that there are so many other women across the world walking this same path.  You find no comfort in that.  None.  Truth is the valley you are walking through is dark, cold, lonely and so very scary.  Along the path is hurt, anger and bitterness.

Let me speak directly to your heart sweet girl.  God wants to hold your broken heart in His hands.  That is the only way.  Listen to my words and let me say it again…that is the ONLY way.  He can heal your broken heart and He will heal it.  But first, you must give Him all the pieces.  The challenge is first finding all of the pieces.  Like shards of broken glass, the pieces weave themselves so very deep into our hearts.  And Satan is right there, breaking the pieces smaller and hiding them better.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds
Psalm 147:3

The pain touches a deep, vulnerable place often known only to God.  When hurting is the only thing you can feel, it is such a lonely place to be.  So many times when we are going through pain, we are told to get over it, move on and let it go.  They don’t understand how slow this hurt heals.  The world offers so many ways to numb the pain, but they are only temporary fixes.  Please oh please don’t fall for that trap.  If we turn to them, then we aren’t allowing God to heal our hurt.  Allowing Him to search and heal our hearts is the only true way to have them healed.  Only He knows the deepness and complexity of our pain.

Psalm 56:8 says You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.  Our tears are not in vain.  God knows each of His children intimately, and every tear we shed has meaning to Him.  He remembers our sorrow.  And in the end, He will share His joy with us.  Revelation 21:4 says He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.  Sweet girl, find comfort in that.  Not only does He know your sorrow, but He will wipe every tear from our eyes.  Don’t suffer through your grief alone.  Don’t be unwilling to be vulnerable with God.  Give Him your heart, hand it over to Him to search and find all those little pieces of hurt and allow His hands to heal it as only He can.

Search me O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way
Psalm 139:23-24

In Scripture, unfaithfulness is the only “acceptable” reason for dissolving a marriage.  But I want to tell you today that even this betrayal, the ultimate betrayal, doesn’t have to result in divorce.

When it feels like all hope is lost, hand that relationship over to God.  It’s so easy to make rash decisions while our heart is broken.  Many days, divorce sounds like the best and sometimes easiest option.  Hand it over to Him, pray about it and search out biblical council.  Cling to God like never before and allow Him to carry you through it.

God has a beautiful reconciliation full of grace planned for you.  Often times the relationship, once it has endured the storm, will come out of it stronger and new.  Through all the conversations, all the deepness, you now know each other differently.  This is the blessing of true healing from the hands of God.  At times, taking it day by day seems like such a big task.  Just take it minute by minute, and allow His grace to carry you through each one.

This reconciliation needs to be two-sided.  If the unfaithfulness is still continuing or if they aren’t repentful, I would highly encourage you to seek Biblical counsel.  Speak to your Pastor or an elder in your church that you trust.  Spend time in prayer asking God to direct your decision.

If you’ve experienced betrayal in your marriage, you may have a few reservations about bringing sex back into the relationship.  I think that is understandable and a normal fear.

How do you even begin to entertain the thought of sexual intimacy with him when he’s been unfaithful?  How do you move on?  How do you move back into the intimacy that was unfairly taken from you?

Forgiveness

The hurt just seems too big to ever get past.  The pressure to forgive quickly is strong in this high-speed world we live in.

Forgiveness isn’t a feeling—it’s a choice we make.  Depending on the size of the break in trust, forgiveness may be a process and can’t be rushed.  If you’ve accepted God’s forgiveness, you have the power to forgive your spouse.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, without judgment.  Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself to forgive quickly.  Emotion is a teacher, allow yourself room to feel and learn from those feelings.  Forgiveness accesses the spiritual part of a person, allowing you to regain a sense of personal meaning.  This is a great time to nurture your relationship with God.

Rebuild Trust

You have to rebuild trust before you can bring sexual intimacy back into the relationship.  This trust will take time, the same as forgiveness does.  Forgiveness opens our heart to be able to plant seeds of trust again.

But remember: There must be more than apologies.  To earn your trust, your spouse needs to make some real changes.  Your spouse should recognize it was his sin that caused you to not trust him.  His goal should be to restore trust by removing doubts.  Maybe they need to join a support group, talk to a mentor, remove the password from his phone or be open and willing to prove his whereabouts as a form of accountability.

Prayer

Being intimate after infidelity is definitely something you have to pray about.  It’s something you need to submit to the Lord.  He will let you know when it is time, and He will help you follow through when you decide you’re ready to give yourself to your husband sexually again.  It’s not something you should rush into but it may happen quicker than you realize.  You may feel you need the assurance that your husband still wants you.  Or you may feel if he still wants you, then he needs to respect your timing of being intimate again.

Intentional Love Making

Be prepared the first time you’re intimate for raw emotions to make their way to the surface.  Heartache and pure love all together, pouring from your shattered heart.  Beforehand, ask your spouse to be patient, tender and understanding.

You may be craving that reassurance that they are still sexually attracted to you.  You may be feeling inadequate and unwanted, and need to know that they choose you over their infidelity. Bringing love-making back into your marriage can help with the healing process and allow you to focus on forgiveness instead of your own rejection.

There is no intimacy without an open heart.  When it is open, it has the capacity to generate love, warmth, affection and last but certainly not least…intimacy!

I know even reading this post made your heart ache and the tears flow.  I wish so very much I could reach through this screen and give you a big hug and just cry with you.  One day the hurt will be a little less, I promise.  And that will feel like the first “good day” you’ve ever had.  And each week, there will be more glimpses of sunshine.  Eventually your good days will run together, and smiles and laughter will abound.  One day, you will look back on this horrible time and be thankful for it.  Thankful for the love that grows deeper with each passing day, tested by fire and found strong enough to stand again.  Trust me, you will get there if you allow God to heal your heart and your marriage.  He brings beauty from the ashes.

You will move on past this.  You will hold your head high, knowing the storm may have knocked you down but it didn’t win.

Join me back here next Friday as we continue our series.  Next week we’ll talk about what men really want!