Forever Beloved

I remember that first time I saw Joe at a mutual friends house.  His t-shirt and bright eyes, the way he made me laugh with ease, his confidence, it sucked me in.  My attraction to this “bad boy” shocked me, this dark mysterious guy who ignored the world and had multiple tattoos.  I thought to myself that it would be hilarious if I were so immediately attracted to him because he was supposed to be my husband.  Actually, that was my second though.  My first thought was that my Mama would never approve of this tattooed wild boy.

Three months later we were married.

We both entered marriage in love with being in love.  I adored the romance, comfort and support a spouse offered.  I loved waking up beside him each morning and laying down beside him each night.  I loved that he was my best friend and knew me better than anyone.  We had our own unwritten language and could share a look or a word that no one else would understand but WE knew what it meant.  I loved how he could make me laugh more than anyone else.

Falling in love is the most blissful feeling.  With each new discovery in your relationship, you feel yourself falling more and more in love.  You just know, in your heart of hearts, that you’ve found the right person to spend the rest of your life with.

One morning you wake up, look at your spouse and don’t even recognize them anymore.  She has gained weight since having babies.  He’s going bald.  She has wrinkles.  And when did he start growing so much hair in his ears?  You begin to wonder if you even married the right person.  The person you are married to isn’t the same person you fell in love with.  The chemistry just doesn’t feel the same as when you were first married.

You were so certain those first feelings would last forever.  But they didn’t.  It’s just not the same anymore.

And you begin to dwell on things.

Maybe I am not attracted to my husband anymore.

Did I make a mistake getting married?

Do I even like sex?

Is there something wrong with me?

How can God expect you to stay married to someone you don’t feel that spark with and might not be attracted to anymore?

The issue with dwelling on these doubtful thoughts is that it will start to chip away what you know in your heart, that you married your best friend and you are attracted to him.  These negative thoughts will seep in and cause destruction in your marriage…you’ll stop initiating sex, you won’t be motivated to even have sex, you’ll begin to believe that there is no chemistry between you two and when that stranger gives you a wink at the gas station your eyes will wander.

I have heard these doubts in wives.  I have listened to them wrestling with these thoughts.  I have watched some overcome them, and some not.  As women, we desire truth.  But our insecurities lie to us.

Aging and our bodies changing is a part of life.  I know very few people who look the same in their 40s as they did in their 20s.  As we age our metabolism slows down.  People naturally gain weight, and it becomes much harder to keep it off.  As we age we are simply not as attractive as we were in our early twenties.  We get wrinkles.  We get moles.  We get stretch marks.  And let’s talk about skin tags, what even are those annoying things?  Skin sags, even if you’re in great shape.  We get cellulite.  Our bodies change as we experience joy, pain, life, death, victory, heartache and time.  These are all facts.  To look the same now as I did 22 years ago would require a vast amount of work.  The thought of that work exhausts me.  And in the end, I still wouldn’t look the same.

With that being said, here are a few things to consider.

We are to delight in each other

Part of loving your man is being as attractive as you can be.  After all, you’re the only woman he’s allowed to look at.  I try to always have a hair style and hair color I know my husband likes.  I also try to wear outfits that I’ve heard him say he liked.  For example, I know he prefers that I wear a t-shirt and jeans.  Praise Jesus he doesn’t prefer dresses!  And when we go anywhere together, I always try to look my best, by doing my hair and makeup, so that he can be proud to have me on his arm.

Regardless of your size, you are still beautiful!  I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of the worlds beauty standards, and think since you’re not a size 2 then what is the use.  Let me encourage you to fight the frump y’all.  Get dressed in your best.  Choose clothing that flatters your body.  So much of being sexy is about attitude, not just what we look like!  Exuding confidence is sexy!  If you’re passionate with your husband, and you present yourself well, you’re choosing to love him.

But remember, the same grace you want your husband to offer you for your appearance is also what you should offer him for his.  And just maybe him seeing how much effort you’ve put into your appearance will spark a desire in him to do the same.

A side-note to the men…you are instructed in the Bible to always delight in your wife, not only when you think she looks hot.  Proverbs 5:19 says Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight.  This means even if gravity has taken a toll.

You don’t need the perfect body to have amazing sex

Sex as part of marriage is important to God.  Sex is one of the ways a man and a woman are bound together by God in a covenant relationship for life.  Sex is supposed to bring us closer together in different ways – spiritually, physically, emotionally.  Physically is only one aspect.  And when we put so much emphasis on needing the perfect body in order to make love we’ve lost the point. We’ve cheapened sex.

Let’s take a closer look at 1 Corinthians 7:3-5…

³ The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. ⁴ The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. ⁵ Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

I think “do not deprive” is an important part of these verses, and we have to look further into what that translates to.  The biblical definition of deprive is to take away; to put an end; to destroy.  This implies that there should be a healthy level of sexual activity, that this is a legitimate need and depriving our spouse of it could destroy them and in essence our marriage.  This isn’t something that is optional in marriage.  And it isn’t something that should be minimized or used as a weapon, either.

Be cautious of your spouses confidence

Robert Frost said Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.  In our hearts, we crave that our spouses desire us and are attracted to us.  If you tell your spouse you aren’t attracted to them, that is absolutely devastating and so hard to recover from.  We’re supposed to delight in our spouses, not tear them down.

If your wife has gained weight since having babies, ask her to walk with you in the evenings.  If your husband has hair growing in his ears or out of control eyebrows, ask him if you could trim them.  Try to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Pursue intimacy

I have a feeling if you truly pursued intimacy with your spouse, that the attraction would return.  If you aren’t sure where to start, read my post 16 Ways To Make Your Marriage Sizzle.  To keep intimacy alive you have to desire it.  You have to want it.  You have to be deliberate about it.  You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to reach the goal.  You have to engage your heart fully in the joyful pursuit.

If you are experiencing this issue, here is my challenge to you.  Remember why you feel in love with your spouse to begin with.  Pray to have eyes that crave them.  Pray for sexual intimacy with them and then intentionally pursue them.  Explore sex and the fullness of it.

And as for the question if God expects you to stay in this marriage, I think another blog post I wrote will help answer that.  It’s called Is Your Marriage Worth Saving.  Once you’ve read it, take some time to just pour your heart out to God.  As your love story is written by the ultimate Author of love, you might just be surprised at the romance you find.

Today’s topic isn’t as fun as some of the past ones in this series, but it’s one that needs discussed.  Pornography is not only on the rise, but it’s something that affects many marriages.

The statistics for pornography are just staggering.  The porn industry generates $13 billion in revenue each year in the United States.  That’s more than the NFL, NBA and MLB combined.  Just to compare, in 2007 Hollywood only generated $8.8 billion in revenue from movies.  There are over 24.5 million dedicated pornography websites live on the internet.  1 in 5 mobile searches are pornography related.  And 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women say they are addicted to pornography.

Want to hear some more staggering statistics?  Every second 28,258 people are watching pornography on the internet, and every second $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography on the internet.

Today I want to focus on the effect porn addiction can have on marriage and how to heal your marriage after.  We are going to hear from a few people who had their lives affected by a porn addiction, either by being addicted themselves or by their spouse being addicted.

First, we hear from a wife whose husband battled porn addiction:

When I discovered my husband’s porn addiction, it was the most shattering, deep kind of pain I’ve ever encountered.  In an instant it felt as if my world was falling apart.  I was deeply hurt and betrayed.  It felt as if the man I was married to was a complete stranger to me.  I felt I no longer satisfied him and I wasn’t what he wanted.  I knew I couldn’t compare to the women he had been watching.  I cycled through many painful emotions: anger, sadness, fear, shame and embarrassment.  I was crushed.  And so was he.  It broke his heart to see how much pain his actions had caused me.  In our moment of brokenness, one thing I was certain of.  He needed help and I needed to support him throughout it.  Praise God he agreed to meet with a counselor weekly.  Every week he would come home and tell me what he had learned, and our marriage began to flourish again.

One common misconception is that only men are addicted to porn.  In fact, one in three pornography viewers are women.

Sheila from To Love, Honor and Vacuum says “70% of men reported having a problem with porn and deliberately seeking out porn.  But so did 28% of women.  I’ve read other studies that say that 30% of porn addicts are now female. We need to stop thinking of porn as a guy’s problem and realize that women are caught up in it, too.”

Here we hear from a Christian wife who was addicted to porn:

I remember, as a child, having other kids around me often who were very curious about my body and theirs. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized the “curiosity and exploration” that I thought was normal when I was very young….was the beginning of a very long struggle with a twisted up view of sexuality.

I have been a “born again Christian” since I was a young child. I don’t ever remember a time that I didn’t believe in Jesus’ death and resurrection for my sins. I grew up in church and always accepted Jesus for who He was and is. I can remember sitting in church as a child (8 or 9 years old) and repenting many times over and asking Him to be in my heart, just to be sure I did it right. I did eventually understand that I didn’t have to continue to be saved every Sunday, and embraced the grace that my mother modeled and instilled in me. I was extremely thankful for this grace that was scandalous, because so many things I kept secret needed this grace that reached to the depths of my shame. Even as a child.

I have memories as a very young child, of my cousin, who was a little older than me who always wanted to go to the bathroom together. He visited our home fairly regularly and every time, he wanted to hide and see my private parts, and/or show me his. I was curious and intrigued also. But I felt very ashamed and knew this needed to be hidden. I never told anyone that this happened.

As I grew through the years, there was a neighbor boy about my age who introduced kissing to me. It began with “we could play boyfriend and girlfriend and kiss” and grew to “let’s kiss like in the movies”. Eventually I did tell my mom about our play and she tactfully spoke with his mom and that was the end of that type of play. But I had been desensitized quite a bit at this point.

When I got a little older I discovered a drawer in my uncle’s desk filled with Playboy magazines. I opened them and was extremely intrigued. My body was responding to the pictures of naked women I saw (my first experience with arousal). I didn’t know what was happening or why, but I knew it felt good and it started a new level of this curiosity inside of me. There was a hook. And I was continually drawn back to that drawer to take a peek at the photos inside. I was very young still (maybe 8) but I did know it was wrong. And I knew I couldn’t tell anyone what I found.

I don’t know how much time had passed, but at one point I was in the hallway and could see the TV in my Uncle’s room (he lived with my grandparents) through a crack in his door. He was watching porn. Lesbian porn. I watched from the hallway and felt the same good feeling/curiosity as when I saw the photos in the magazines. The hook sank deeper and the barb connected.

I never once in my life would have said I was attracted to women, or wanted to be in a relationship with a woman. But I had this pull to watch lesbian porn throughout my teen years and adult life. I would not have called it an addiction. Because it wasn’t something that I would seek relentlessly. But during different seasons, I took whatever opportunities I could to view. Pornography had a hold on me. When I was 12, an older, female cousin molested me. I never called it that until I broke free from this stronghold. I participated willingly, but she was in the lead and I followed her instructions the whole time. This happened on an ongoing basis for a couple of years. I was so ashamed and embarrassed about it that I never even spoke of it until a few years ago.

Why do I share all of this? Because pornography wrecked my life. This hook that embedded as a child and became a comfort of sorts to me, twisted my brain to accept all kinds of perverted treatment from men as I grew up through my teen years. I lost my virginity at 13. I also would have sex with most any boy that paid attention to me until I met my first husband at the age of 16. He was addicted to porn and in a very extreme way. So much that it completely overshadowed any issue I had. But it almost made my problem seem like a non issue.

I was a Christian wife and mom. And I would still take opportunities that I could to view porn. Usually lesbian porn. And here is an example of what would happen inside of my head. “What was wrong with me?! Why did this follow me for so many years? Was there enough scandalous grace to erase these scandalous acts I was viewing? Would I ever be able to get rid of the incessant nagging desire to click that website….again? Who might I talk to about this? Who could possibly understand? Surely no one else who is a Christian mom would ever know what this is like.”

So I ignored it. Slapped away the desires most of the time, except when I couldn’t. Except when the pull would be stronger than my willpower was. That’s when I would give in, feel ashamed and guilty, repent, and try to just forget about it. But Jesus is faithful and merciful and full of grace. He allowed me to come to the end of myself. After my first husband and I separated, I began counseling. God gave my counselor the wisdom to confront me on this issue. She asked me if I ever had a pull to porn for myself, or masturbation. And I finally confessed, out loud to a safe person and she walked me through breaking off those chains. We dug through the years to recognize the roots and where I was introduced to this. Confessed that I was sick, and I asked the elders at my church to pray over me and anoint me with oil for healing. After I, myself, worked with my counselor through rewiring my unhealthy coping mechanisms that included porn, the elders prayed over me, and God broke the chains. Freed me. I am free, indeed.

While I no longer have the pull to watch pornography, I know the temptation is just around the corner if I don’t stay guarded. I am vulnerable to this sin. So I am careful with what I feed my mind with. What TV shows I allow myself to watch, what kind of books I read, and what kind of music I listen to. I work to keep my mind stayed on Jesus and things that are true and worthy of praise. I am still free. It still takes work to remain free.

I know this might sound extreme. But this is one way pornography and sexual sin can look. This was an area in my life where Satan had a lot of power over my thought life. That overflowed into everything I did and everything I thought. I carried a cloud of shame around everywhere I went. But Jesus freed me and I am a different person today.

If you’re addicted to porn, you’re not alone. If you are a Christian mom who is addicted to porn, you’re not alone. If you need help, it’s available. Secrets manifest. Good ones and bad ones. Confess with your mouth to a safe person, and get rid of the bad secrets so you can start seeing manifestation of a beautiful secret prayer life with Jesus.

Pornography is chemically more addictive to the body and brain than heroin, caffeine, sugar or marijuana.  And it has devastating results!  It can decrease sexual intimacy with your partner, damage relationships, burden you with shame and guilt, distort your view on sex and many times lead to divorce.

Here are some ways to begin to heal your heart and invite intimacy back into your marriage.

Stop comparing yourself.

This didn’t happen because you aren’t beautiful enough, or thin enough, or curvy enough, or sexy enough.  It’s not your fault.  I can’t say that enough!

You will think you have to compete.  You don’t!  You don’t have to lose weight, get breast implants, try kinkier things or buy more lingerie.  Even if you did, that wouldn’t solve the problem.  The solution isn’t you competing or changing.  It’s just by healing from God.

And while that’s easy for me to say, satan will still take your thoughts there.  Every moment of weakness he will use to make you feel less than and inadequate.

Forgive.

As much as you hate their porn addiction, so do they.  The guilt, shame and humiliation that surrounded porn addiction is a heavy burden to carry.  Let’s be honest, holding onto anger is so much easier when you feel justified.  You feel wronged, betrayed, crushed and angry.  Add in someone rejection, and hurt, and forgiveness is doubly as hard.

How do you forgive the one who caused such pain and created those deep, searing wounds.

What does Jesus say about forgiveness?  He commands us to overlook sins and forgive those who hurt us.  He doesn’t ask us to do that, the Lord commands us to do that.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32

But somewhere buried in our subconscious, we think the rules don’t apply to us.  The pain we know doesn’t fit the requirements of forgiveness.  We rationalize and justify our pain over and over again, talking ourselves out of forgiving.

And then we become resentful, angry, unforgiving and cold.  All of these could cause our spouse to run right back to the thing that caused our hurt.

But don’t confuse forgiveness with trust.  Trust is earned based on behavior, but forgiveness is something we’re commanded to do.

Communicate.

As hard as it may be, you have to tell them honestly how you are feeling.  You will have bad days that feel like the wind has been knocked out of you.  Communicate those to your spouse and let them know what you need in that moment.  Do you need space, do you need to be reassured or do you need held?  Our spouses aren’t mind readers, as much as we would like them to be.  We need to help them understand what is going on inside of us.  If you find that the words just won’t come out, try pouring your heart out in a letter to them.  Sometimes the words come easier when you put them down on paper.

Pray.

Spend time together daily in prayer.  Pray for purity and unity, for a forgiving heart, for an open line of honest communication, for hearts to be softened and ears to be opened.  Prayer doesn’t have to be out loud to be real and heard by God.  You can pray together silently, you can write your prayer down and read it when you’re together or pray while you talk.

Recovery.

Recovering from a porn addiction really can’t be done alone.  A porn habit is a horrible one that is very difficult to break. For many porn users, the pull is intense. It’s how they deal with stress. It’s more exciting than drugs. And it seriously wrecks your libido and your ability to perform sexually in marriage, because it rewires the brain so that what’s attractive is an image or a fantasy rather than a person.

If you are addicted to porn and ready to make a change, here are some resources:

The Journey – A 5-month Path to Freedom From Sexual Brokenness 

Focus on the Family – Overcoming Sexual Brokenness

Click to Kick – An 8-week online support group for men and women wanting to overcome porn use

Be Broken Ministries – Heal sexual brokenness. Grow in God’s grace. Serve every day.

Pure Community – A network of resources, workshops, counseling, and recovery groups.

12-Step Programs – Recovery is a personal journey, alongside people with similar struggles, through clearly identified steps.  A quick search could yield a 12-step program near you.

Counseling – Speak to your Pastor or church elders, I’m certain they could point you in the right direction.