2013 was a ridiculously hard year for me; physically, emotionally and mentally. My weight loss journey got pushed aside for the majority of the year. Not only did I have physical limitations but I guess I had some mental ones as well. There were times I wanted to just throw in the towel and give up on my journey (and on so so many days I did). I had surgery in February to remove my kidney, which kinda set me back a bit physically.  So many days, with my weight loss, it left me feeling defeated, broken and like a failure. I felt like I not only let myself down but also those people that always told me I had inspired them. I was embarrassed and many days didn’t want to leave the house and have others see me. And honestly, I was angry. I was so angry at myself.

BUT…

I absolutely refuse to let circumstances defeat me and I will NOT be broken. This girl right here, she’s a strong one. And with God by my side I can do ANYTHING. I am determined, now more than ever, to get this journey rolling again.

One thing I won’t be doing is my monthly weight loss posts anymore, at least not for now.  That puts way too much pressure on me for some reason.  But once I get this thing going, I’ll be SURE to post again.

So, for now, I would super love if you could pray for me and my journey please.  I’m trying to figure out where it all fits in.  God spoke to my heart and gave me 3 direct things to do.  And I’ll be working on those as He transforms me.  God is good, always. And I know, as with everything else, He will gave me the strength to do this.

i love my morning quiet time with God.  just this girl and her Father hanging out, enjoying some coffee and some much needed time in His word.  it just really starts my day in a great way and points it in the right direction.

i was reading my devotional yesterday and all of a sudden God gave me one of those “aha” moments. you know the ones, they leave you sitting there with your mouth gaping open. those moments that the light bulb clicks in our brain and illuminates what God is doing. yeah, i kinda love those moments huge amounts.

i’ve made food an idol.

what?  are you as shocked as i was?  i had to take time to process it and talk through it, out loud of course.  let me say it again, i’ve made food an idol.  wow, isn’t that ouchie.  surely that can’t be right.  how in the world do you make FOOD an idol?

then i remembered something, a past blog post.  one where i described food as my boyfriend.  here is a little snippet of it:

seriously, we’ve always had an intense love affair. it’s always there for you, never lets you down and always makes you feel good. let’s face it…food’s always there to fill you with delicious goodness. if i was sad, food would cheer me up…if i was happy, food would celebrate with me…if i was lonely, food would keep me company. 

now, read that last paragraph and replace the word food with God.  and that, my friends, is when it hit me like a ton of bricks.  it was true.  food was my golden calf and i worshiped at it’s feet.  instantly my heart was just sad.  can you imagine how much it grieved God when i would run to food to celebrate instead of Him?  or when i would run to food to soothe my sadness instead of Him?  i’ve been breaking God’s heart for years and didn’t even know it.

let me touch for a quick second on idolatry.  i’m not an expert in it by any means but i did do a little research on it.  idolatry is trying to get your needs met outside the will of God.  an idol is anything more important to you than God.  anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God and anything you seek to give you what only God can give.  anything in life can become an idol…sex, sports, alcohol, beauty, money, drugs, video games, careers, facebook and even food.  when we put something else before God in our hearts, we are idolaters.  God HATES idolatry.

now that i’ve recognized the idolatry in my heart, i need to confess it, repent and ask God for His help.  i need to choose to be content in Christ alone and not search for happiness or comfort in food.  i am going to obey God and trust Him to lead this journey, to lead my actions and thoughts.  i’m going to run to Him when i’m happy, sad, stressed, bored and every other emotion you can think of.   

out for now
~kisses  

{on a side note, if you ever see me talking to myself and think i’m losing my mind.  no worries, it’s just me doing my normal “God talk”.  i just talk to God like He’s sitting right beside me.  yep, i talk right out loud and just use normal, everyday language like i would talking to my best friend over coffee.} 

this month i lost 3 pounds.  not the best BUT it’s a loss rather than a gain, so i’ll take it.

if i said this past month wasn’t a struggle i’d be lying.  my two biggest hurdles have been dealing with fatigue and retaining fluid.  and when i say retaining fluid i mean crazy amounts, like 9 pounds worth.  and i am SO worn out with the fatigue.  i’m not sure if it’s still from my surgery (which was just 6 weeks ago) or if it’s from not moving for so long.  either way, i’m totally over both things.

i’m at a crossroads right now in my exercise plan.  i think i’m going to just start off walking and then get into a little more strenuous stuff (like the gym or back into zumba).  i know i’m going to have to start off slow and see what my body can handle.  i sure am ready to get back to it.

out for now
~kisses

ps…sorry for the big hot mess pics…the lighting in here today is horrible