2014 was a ridiculously hard year for me; physically, emotionally and mentally. My weight loss journey has been pushed aside for quite a while now. Actually it’s non-existent at this point. Not only did I have physical limitations but I guess I had some mental ones as well. There were times I wanted to just throw in the towel and give up on my journey (and on so so many days I did). I had a year full of pain from adhesions that resulted in a surgery in December. So many days, with my weight loss, it left me feeling defeated, broken and like a failure. I felt like I not only let myself down but also those people that always told me I had inspired them. I was embarrassed and many days didn’t want to leave the house and have others see me. And honestly, I was angry. I was so angry at myself.

BUT…

I absolutely refuse to let circumstances defeat me and I will NOT be broken. This girl right here, she’s a strong one. And with God by my side I can do ANYTHING. I am determined, now more than ever, to get this journey rolling again.

I’ve created an Instagram dedicated to my journey. It’s called Amys_losing_it_again. You have no idea how accurate that title is, ha. So follow me and journey with me.

So, for now, I would super love if you could pray for me and my journey please. I’m trying to figure out where it all fits in. God spoke to my heart and gave me 3 direct things to do. And I’ll be working on those as He transforms me. God is good, always. And I know, as with everything else, He will gave me the strength to do this.

I woke up and rolled over to find my husband not there.  Once I crawl out of bed and feel the temperature in the room, I instantly know where he is.  Often times he is driven to the couch by a sweltering hot room {and a wife that likes to snuggle}.  I head down the steps to double check and sure enough, there he is on the couch.

I took a slight detour before going back upstairs and I headed to the downstairs bathroom.  The one where the scale lives.  I sleepily turned the light on and pulled the scale out.  As I stepped onto it, I whispered a tiny prayer, “Lord, I’ll accept whatever it says”.  Nothing can make me fold in on myself quicker than an unkind scale.  I’ve learned over the past year this tiny prayer, though only six words long, makes a huge difference in me.  I glanced down and to my dismay, saw the same number I’ve seen time and time again.  Stepping off, and slightly frustrated, I climbed the stairs and headed to the shower.

Now I have a confession to make, for some reason I adore speaking to the Lord while I’m in the shower. For me, it’s my quiet peaceful place where I hear His voice. Is that weird? If it is, please don’t tell me, because I sure do love my alone time with Him while I wash my hair and shave my legs.

As I began my shower, I also began my God talk time. “Lord, I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I’ve faithfully, for the past month, not had a single carb or bite of sugar. Why does my scale not move like others? Please Lord, I can’t do it on my own. Let me follow You”.

In that moment, His answer was so clear. Right now my answer is no. And in that same moment I knew I had to accept it.

I don’t know what His plan is for me, but I must be brave enough to follow it. I must have the strength to accept His no. I have to know that God hasn’t abandoned me, He is growing me. His no isn’t a punishment.

Dear body…

I would like to start this letter by saying two things…I am sorry + you are beautiful.

You are an amazing creation that God designed specifically for me.  You have carried me through 38 years of playing + walking + moving + learning + thinking + creating + loving + living.

You have endured multiple displays of my clumsiness, bad luck, horrible aim, dumb-flat-feet-make-me-trip.  And by multiple I really mean uncountable…but yet, you kept going.  You didn’t throw your hands up in the air and say “that’s IT, this girl is unreal…how can she fall UP the steps and DOWN them?”.