Forever Beloved

Faith, Love & Truth

What She Really Wants For Valentine’s Day

Oh men, only six weeks after Christmas and again you’re under pressure to find the perfect gift.  And let’s face it, we don’t make it easy on you.  You are expected to read our minds and know what the perfectly perfect gift is our heart is craving.  Y’all have no idea how many tears I shed in during our relationship because my husband didn’t inherently know what I wanted to receive.  Of course I couldn’t tell him, that would take every ounce of romance out of it.  

For the past week I’ve been thinking of what I would love to receive myself for Valentine’s Day.  My thoughts kept going a bit beyond the tangible. I began thinking about what, for me, would communicate: I love you, I adore you, I still want to date you, I’m thankful for you, I cherish you, I appreciate you, I see the many things you do that go unnoticed, I love how you take care of our children.
I’m sure you’ve all heard about the popular series of books by Gary Chapman based on what he calls The 5 Love Languages. The main concept of the book is that there are 5 main ways in which people receive and give love: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, gifts and quality time. The primary way in which you express love is also the main way in which you receive love from others. Being aware of how your partner communicates love is key here.  If you aren’t aware of how they naturally communicate love, you may very well be missing out on all of the ways they ARE expressing love to you on the daily.  Take the time to figure out her love language, and gift giving will be made easy!

The gift ideas I offer to you today are those which touch on the intangible. Gifts, that when coupled with some simple actions will communicate more than any one present has the ability to do.

The Gift of Planning

For Valentine’s Day (or honestly any other day of the year), most women would love for their husbands to just plan a date all on their own. Y’all, she would love this!  I would love this.  Women love for you to take the lead when it comes to pursuing them! You don’t need to ask her what she wants to do or where she wants to eat, just plan it. She’ll adore you taking the time and initiative to plan an entire date, and it will make her feel so appreciated. If you’re married, trust your instincts. You know her likes and dislikes, just go with it.  Trust me, she won’t be disappointed.

The Gift of Words
Tell her what she means to you. Tell her. Tell her over and over again. Write her a note to tell her and hide it in a place she’ll find it.  Put it on her pillow, on the washing machine or in that book she’s reading.  Believe me, she’ll appreciate that more than you know. And she’ll more than likely shed a few tears. Give her a big hug and kiss when you walk in the door after work. Just hold her in your arms. From a woman’s perspective, this little act of kindness can wash away the negative things that happened during the day and change the tone of the evening.  To me, this would mean more than all the flowers and chocolate in the world.

The Gift of Free Time

This might be the most simple, yet one of the best gifts ever that a wife could receive! While it is so important to regularly spend time together as a couple– there’s something to be said for a woman having time alone with absolutely NO agenda. Free time without kids, no one needing their noses wiped, no curfew of when to be home by and no cell phone interruptions. Allow her to be completely unplugged. Wives, imagine your husband saying, “Saturday I’m getting up with the kids and taking them out. Just sleep in, take a bath and then take the day and do whatever you want to do. Don’t worry about us, just enjoy your day.” If you’re wondering if this is an actual gift, all you need is ten minutes on Facebook. You’ll see just how many Mama’s post about a trip alone to Target feeling like a vacation or craving they could actually go to the bathroom by themselves for 2 minutes. Yep, this absolutely would qualify as a gift! And I guarantee when you get home, she’ll feel like a new woman!  Want to take this gift to an entire new level?  Add in some gift cards to her favorite stores and one for her lunch.  She’ll adore her free day and not having to worry about her spending!   

The Gift of Service

As women, we are the keepers of our home. As a full-time stay at home wife and mom who also runs a business, the tasks I do daily often feel not only repetitious but also like they aren’t seen or noticed. Women are generally the ones who have everyone’s schedule and needs simultaneously ticking through our minds at any given moment. We’re always thinking out beyond the present moment to what needs to happen next to keep it all on track, on schedule and sane. Read this as we’re stressed. Tell her your taking over her chores for the day and for her to go sit in the living room and catch up on her DVR’d shows. This will show her that you not only recognize what she does daily, but that you appreciate it. And guess what? She’s going to be like “Wow, this is amazing. I so super love you.”. And guess who is going to look like the hero? Yeah, you. And who will reap the rewards of said hero? Yep, you will!

Hopefully I’ve given you some good ideas, or just some inspiration to come up with your own ideas. I know this post isn’t full of easy-to-click links with flashy pictures, but I hope it challenges you to think about how you communicate love to your partner and how she receives love. Above all, I really challenge you to not just settle into a groove where your spouse is concerned. True love is not selfish, but the amazing thing is that when when you are loved well, you will love well in return. Be inspired, love well, make it an unforgettable Valentine’s Day and move beyond the ordinary into the extraordinary.

My Love Letter

Dear amazing, loving man…

Twenty years ago today we met in our best friends living room.

Little did I know that first night I met you that you were the one I had been praying for since I was a little girl. So many nights I spent on my knees, praying. Over the years the prayer changed from asking for prince charming to asking for a man that would simply love me and treat me well. All those years God knew you were the man for me, my future husband, and was busy preparing your heart for mine.

I can still remember the first moment that I saw your face. You were looking at me, and I thought to myself what in the world is this guy staring at. Year after year we repeatedly kept resurfacing in each others lives. Until finally, I realized you seemed very familiar to my heart. You stole my heart and our life journey began.

At that point in my life I needed to feel worthy, loved and protected. You rescued me from all the past pain, struggles and hurt. You showed me I didn’t need to be weary, always questioning, afraid and on alert. In your arms I felt safe and protected. You showed me that God did answer that little girl’s prayer for a prince charming.

You knew you were getting a broken girl, yet you grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye and stepped forward with me. With you by my side, everything else seemed to melt away. You put up with so much in those early days; tears that came from nowhere, fear that wasn’t understood and anger that was unfounded. Yet by my side you stood.  You continually held my hand and wiped away the tears.

And your voice, oh that voice, I’m not sure you ever truly understood how much it meant to me. When you sang to me, I believed every single word. Your voice mended my broken heart. The melody sewed the broken pieces back together. Your voice lifted me up, making me feel as if I was the only beautiful girl in the entire world. You didn’t just sing to me with your voice, you sang to me with your heart.  In that single moment the world stood still.  I finally not only knew, but felt what love was.

Being married to you has allowed me to be myself.  You’ve supported all of my crazy, spur-of-the-moment decisions…from getting my nose pierced to starting a photography business.  You just want me to be the best I can be and to be happy. You like me the way I am even though I am outspoken, sometimes sassy and I roll my eyes more often than I should. You are so patient with me (which is no easy task, sir). You allow me to just be Amy.

It’s never been about how pretty I make myself, my size or how well I did. Although you notice those things, I know that none of that makes a difference on your measure of love for me, and that is the most beautiful thing of all.

It takes a real man to love me like you do. To love me on my good days when I’m all dolled up, kissing you and laughing AND also on the bad days when I’m a sobbing mess on the couch in my leggings and messy bun.

The reality of our marriage has been so much more complex. We’ve been through too many ups and downs to count.  At every crossroad we had a choice to make…keep committing to our love or give up. Every time, we choose love.

Over the years, you have gone above and beyond so many times.  I’ll never be able to fully tell you how much that meant to me.  Throughout my 15 surgeries, you took amazing care of me.  After my first big surgery, I remember a specific conversation we had.  I was standing in front of the mirror looking at my scars for the first time.  I stood there, looking in the mirror silently, for what felt like an eternity.  I was horrified at how my body had changed.  I’ll never forget your words “All I see is you, here with me right now, alive“.  And even now, on days I’m still self-conscious of the remnants from my stroke, you remind me that I’m beautiful just how I am.

Being married to you is the most interesting, challenging, amazing, mind-opening, loving, growth-inspiring decision I ever made. Such an amazing man I’ve been blessed with. I look forward to 50 more years of crazy love.

I love you so very much, Mr. Cutler.  You are my sweetest downfall.
xoxo

Cultivating Intimacy In Your Marriage

Oh, how God loves to stretch me through this blog. This is a hard post for me to share. I’ve been writing this for days, pouring over it hours at a time. I’ve been back and forth with it. It’s hard and uncomfortable, but God has called me to share.

For weeks I had stewed over this issue. You have no idea how many conversations I had with myself about it. Oh, how I longed for someone to talk to about it. When I knew one of my girlfriends was coming over for coffee, I spent some time praying for God to give me the strength to talk to her about it.

I had spent so much time thinking we were the only ones with this issue, it never occurred to me it might be a common issue in other marriages. I was so thankful God gave me the words to say to her! Once the words left my lips, I suddenly felt braver. She assured me we aren’t the only ones to struggle.

The issue…intimacy.

As we enter into marriage, we have these pre-conceived notions of how intimacy will look. Then life happens. You’re sleep deprived, the bills seem never ending, the house needs cleaned, dishes need done and does. the. laundry. never. end.? Add to that a husband that works second shift and you see each other just a few hours a day. If we don’t intentionally cultivate intimacy, of course it’s easy for it to get lost along the way.

I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.
Song of Solomon 6:3

Oh, how I love that verse. I love it enough that I have it tattooed on my back. It just speaks volumes to me of love, belonging and intimacy. Intimacy is such a vital part of marriage. Through intimacy, a couple creates a strong connection and deep bond. One that far exceeds any other relationship you could have.

We need to be purposeful about cultivating intimacy and passion in our marriage. There are many different ways a husband and wife can do this. It takes time, energy and effort, but if you are intentional about it, your marriage will benefit and grow.

How can you keep intimacy alive? You have to desire it. You have to want it. You have to be deliberate about it. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to reach the goal. You have to engage your heart fully in the joyful pursuit.

A while back, I read an amazing book. It was Intimacy Ignited by Dr. Joseph and Linda Dillow and Dr. Peter and Lorraine Pintus. I would highly recommend this book to every. single. couple. It is a verse by verse exploration of the Song of Solomon, one of the most loving, romantic and poetic Books found in the Old Testament of the Bible! If God ever gave us an instruction manual for intimacy in marriage, Song of Solomon is it! God wants married couples to have a love so hot, so passionate, so intense that nothing will be able to extinguish it.

Many people associate the word intimacy with sex. Although sex is an intimate act a husband and wife can enjoy together, there are other ways to cultivate intimacy as well. Sexual intimacy is very important, but so are these other intimate acts.

4 Ways To Cultivate Intimacy In Your Marriage:

1. Pursue your spouse.

Now, this one is a bit tricky. Men and women are so different. I know, right, Can I get an Amen? Pursuit, to most men, means feeling desired (ladies, read that as “sex”) and affirmed through respect, honor and appreciation. Most women, on the other hand, are more likely to want to be pursued through time, attention and tenderheartedness (guys, read that as “romance”).

  • Write your spouse a love letter. Write it in a way that would say “I love you” to them (which means it might not necessary be the kind you would want to receive). Explain to your spouse that you want to work on pursuing passion in your marriage. 
  • Initiate a sexual encounter in a creative way, especially if your spouse always initiates.
  • Read the Song of Solomon out loud together each night before bed.
  • Plan a date that revolves around something your spouse enjoys.
2. Have fun. 

When was the last time you did something with the purposeful intention of just having fun together? One of my fav things my husband and I have in common is a love for laughter. Actually, his ability to make me laugh was one of the reasons I fell head over heals for him.

  • Plan a spontaneous adventure and surprise your spouse with it. This could be a night away (minus kids) or even a little mini-date. 
  • See a funny movie together, or take in a comedy show.
  • Let your hair down and get silly: have a pillow fight or a tickle war.

3. Be positive.

Remember the reasons you fell in love with your spouse? It’s super easy to focus on what annoys us about our spouse, but that is definitely a passion killer. Passion can’t co-exist with negativity. So, develop a habit of being grateful and appreciative. Guard your heart against taking the good parts of your marriage for granted.

  • Say thank you. Plain and simple. Thank them for big and little things. Thank them for doing dishes, laundry or fixing your car. I even thank my husband for just loving me (because I am fully aware there are days that can’t be easy). 
  • Sit down together and make a list of the top five body parts you love (and think are super hot) about your spouse. (guys…your wife is likely in a body-image battle, even if you think she shouldn’t be. this will mean the absolute world to her)

4. Pray Together.

I have to admit, when we bow our heads to pray Sunday mornings, I can’t wait to slip my hand into my husbands. There is just something so amazingly intimate about praying together! I totally understand that not everyone is comfortable praying out loud {read this as ME} but it’s so worth it. Just gather up the courage and pray with your man!

  • As soon as you lay down in bed, and the lights are out, hold hands and take turns praying. 
  • If you are too intimidated, start out with baby steps and start praying out loud before meals.
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
Proverbs 5:18-19

These are just a few ways to cultivate intimacy in marriage. I’d love to hear your thoughts! Please share in the comments below to encourage other wives!