Forever Beloved

Faith, Love & Truth

Why I’m Not Raising a Feminist Daughter

I’m a wife, mama, daughter, sister, friend, business owner and former feminist.

My Dad always told me I could do anything, whether it be putting shingles on a roof, putting a universal joint in his ’69 Chevy or dragging out the acetylene tanks and welding. I don’t blame this on my Daddy, he had GREAT intentions. And I’m so thankful of the knowledge he taught me.

I’m the one who took it and turned it into a heart issue.

I grew up thinking I could do anything that a man could do. And if a man told me I couldn’t do it, I would make sure to prove him wrong. I wanted to be viewed as strong and independent. I even took the words “honor and obey” out of my vows. No one was going to control me, especially not my husband.

And then I became a Mama.

As my babies were growing up, I realized I couldn’t align myself with feminism anymore. Their message is the opposite of what I’m teaching my kids.

I’m teaching my daughter modesty, they feel it’s patriarchy. I’m teaching my son to be a gentleman, they feel it’s benevolent sexism. I’m teaching my daughter to be submissive to her husband, they feel that’s degrading. I’m teaching my son to be hard-working and provide for his family, they feel that they can provide for themselves. I’m teaching my daughter purity, they feel your body is yours to do with what you please. I’m teaching my son to treat his wife like a princess, they feel that’s offensive.

I simply cannot align myself with a message that has morphed into something accusatory, degrading, offensive and opposed to the morals and messages I am teaching my kids.

I’m actually super excited we are raising our littles the way we are, the opposite of how the world would have them raised.  I want my son to be chivalrous, to open doors and carry heavy loads. I want my daughter to be told she’s beautiful. I want my son to ask a girl out on a date and pay the bill without expecting anything in return.  I want my daughter to know she can depend on her husband.  I want my littles to know the beauty of a Christ-centered marriage.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2

The recent feminist campaigns are so degrading, I can’t help but feel they lost their direction amongst the shuffle of finding issues to fight for. Their messages come across so crass and offensive, it actually muddies the water and their direction is no longer clear.

With God, we have clear direction. We have a perfect owners manual for life in the Bible. And in the Bible we see that while we are created equal, we were given specific roles.  
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church,his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Ephesians 5:23-25



And that my friends is why we are teaching submission, headship and living a Christ-centered marriage. While it might not be the worlds opinion, we are following Gods word. That will bring joy, peace, contentment, fulfillment and freedom! And in turn, your life will bring glory to God. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

I’m tired of the not enoughs

 

As she teetered across the floor to me, carrying her favorite dolly, I scooped her up in my arms and told her You are absolutely beautiful little girl.

Years later, as she laid on the floor playing with her Polly Pockets and Petshops, she told me of someone making fun of her.  And I told her You are absolutely beautiful, inside and out.

As a teenager, we had a conversation of someone making comments about her.  And she told me I am absolutely beautiful, I am fierce and I love my curves.

At that moment, while being so extremely proud of my daughters confidence, I couldn’t help but feel pangs of sadness.  While I had told her this truth for years with my voice, I hadn’t lived it.  I had left her to learn it on her own.

I had all the right words for her throughout the years: That she’s beautiful. That she’s smart. That she’s always enough in Jesus. That her identity is in Christ alone. That God’s approval is all that matters.

I was too busy living with not enoughs, I couldn’t model this truth for her.

How many times I had put on a outfit and scowled at my reflection in the mirror…told myself I was too big, had too many scars, I was unqualified and unworthy. How many days I had questioned my own worth…I was nothing special, ordinary, not thin enough, not pretty enough and not good enough.

What lessons had I been teaching her with my actions?

In that moment when those words left my daughters mouth, I am absolutely beautiful, I am fierce and I love my curves, my world changed.  I knew I had to start living what I had been saying for years.

That day, while sitting at my desk, I vowed that I would provide a firm foundation for not only my daughter but all the other young women in my life.  I want them to know that a woman’s identity is found in Christ alone. I want to teach that lesson, not just with my words, but with my life.

So many times, we let the wrong factors define our worth. We allow failed relationships, body image, abuse, choices and health to define us. We allow feelings of being useless, ignored, ugly, overweight, unloved or forgotten. Sadly, we repeatedly allow these factors to define us. We allow our feelings to dictate our identity.I have been stuck in the not enoughs my entire life.

How could I change how I saw myself? How can I redefine myself? How can I master confidence? And do it all with grace?

I knew I couldn’t do it on my own, I needed to get my worth as women through Christ. Not through my feelings, not through others opinions of me, not through situations and not through emotions. But through the hands that shaped me.

The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7

What does Jesus think of us? What does He think our worth is? Well, He thought you and I were worth dying for! And if He thinks that much of us, why would we ever allow others to degrade the life He went through so much to save? He thinks we are worth far more than rubies! {Proverbs 31:10}

Some days, without fail, old insecurities will come knocking on the doors of our hearts. We’re tempted to tell lies about ourselves to ourselves when we’re rejected or knocked down or feeling not quite … enough.

But in those moments of weakness, I refuse to give in to the lies. I will continue to tell myself I am loved, as-is, not as I think I should be.

Retraining my heart will take years. But I know it is worth the fight.Let me speak directly to your heart. Believe it, sweet girls. Pretty please with cream and sugar on top. Know that what Jesus says about you is genuine – that you a treasure, of great worth, a woman with infinite value. No matter what anyone says. No matter what you’ve done. No matter your past. No matter how you feel.  It’s true!

Saving Your First Kiss

“Actually”, she said with confidence, “I’m saving my first kiss for my wedding day”. I’ve heard my daughter say this dozens of times. And while it’s been met with positivity, that doesn’t happen often. Normally, she’ll be met with laughter accompanied by a statement like “What? That’s crazy!”, “You’ll change your mind once you start dating” and she’s even heard “You’ll never get a man that way”.

I’m just going to be honest here, I didn’t save my first kiss for my wedding day. As I’ve said before, I wish I had heard that not kissing until marriage was an option. I wish I had heard that purity was beautiful. Valuable. Precious. An amazing gift given to us by God to give to our spouse. I wish purity had been a bigger topic among my circle. I wish I had been told that God’s grace is bigger than the choices we make. I wish we had been talked to instead of talked at.
I took the things I wished were different and the lessons I had learned and coupled that with God’s Word.  There was also an amazing all-girl program at church called Daughters of the King, led by our Pastor’s wife.  And during that time, God set it in my daughters heart to save her first kiss for her future husband on the day of their wedding.
In a day and age where kissing is the norm for elementary schoolers and losing your virginity in, or by high school is expected, it seems absurd and ridiculous that anyone would possibly save their first kiss for marriage.  If you choose safe standards, you are bound to hear backlash and criticism from friends and relatives, but you have to remember that your decision is a “good thing”.

We want our kids to enjoy healthy relationships placed in the hands of God.  Relationships that focus on drawing closer together emotionally and spiritually before they enjoy the physical part of their relationship that is reserved only for marriage.

While saving your first kiss for your wedding day is clearly not popular, please don’t look down on those who do.  They aren’t weak, naive or inexperienced.  Are we really going to fault these kids for following what God has set in their heart?
And those of you who save your kiss, please don’t look down on those who don’t.  Saving your kiss doesn’t gain you salvation. 
I love the story told by Jennie Bishop titled The Princess and the Kiss. The royal parents have a baby girl and give her the gift of her very first kiss. They explain to the princess that it is her gift to keep or give away as she chooses.They then go on to warn her that many man will try to take her gift, but she should be wise and save it for the man she would marry.

Instead of viewing your kiss as something meaningless and cheap, I want to challenge you to view it as a very expensive treasure box. It’s your job to keep your treasure safe until the person with the right key comes to unlock it.

Like the princess above, you will probably have some guys stop by with hopes to get a piece of your treasure. If they don’t have the key (the wedding band) don’t let them open the box.

I want you to remember, you don’t have to kiss frogs to find princes.  Princes don’t need physical confirmation of a woman’s value. They already value you for who you are.

We need to recognize the kiss as an incredible gift that God has given each one of us to fully embrace and enjoy in the right context. Instead of lowering its value and blowing it off as just-a-kiss let’s view it as a precious, sacred gift.