Forever Beloved

Faith, Love & Truth

Putting Your Spouse First

Does your spouse come first, or do your kids take the number one spot?

This is a hard topic for many, and the opinions on it are usually varied and loud. And while I understand parenting is such a blessing from God, and raising those babies is so important, we can’t allow mothering to take precedence over our marriage.

Is being a Mama important?  Well, absolutely!  Pour your heart into those littles, but don’t neglect your man.  I’ve witnessed marriages fail because the kids were made top priority.  The kids grow up, move out of the house and the parents look at each other like strangers because they didn’t nourish their marriage.

The best way that you can love your kids is to love your husband. What kids want, more than anything, is to feel that their home is stable and secure. They need to know their parents not only love them, but they love each other. When children see their parents giving each other time, affection, love and respect it is a reassurance of our love and makes them feel secure. To put your marriage on hold for 18 years, or even one year, while you raise children is not only detrimental to your marriage, but it is also devastating to your children.

They can see their parents taking care of themselves so that frees that up to enjoy being a child.  They don’t have to worry about Mommy and Daddy because they take care of each other.  Seeing parents happy together breeds emotionally healthy children.

Now I’m not saying there aren’t times when your children should come first. Diaper changes, meals and injuries all need fairly immediate attention.  I’m certainly not suggesting you walk away from a bleeding child to go have coffee with your spouse and chat about their day. And I’m sure not suggesting that you ignore your children except for emergencies.  As I said earlier, pour your heart into those babies. But, it needs to be clear that your primary relationship (after God) is with your spouse.

Our love for our kids is so primal and so different, it’s easy to push our husbands out of the way and build our lives around our kids.

Please don’t do that. Your kids don’t need you to be with them every single night. They would benefit from you taking a break and going on a date with your spouse. I love going on dates with my husband, whether they are little mini-dates we catch here and there or a full day together. I love that feeling of just reconnecting with him and being able to give him my full attention without interruption. I think it’s so important to take time out of our busy lives to solely focus on each other. It keeps our marriage alive.  It’s so important to stay connected!  Some day those babies are going to grow up and leave your house.  You don’t want to be two strangers just coexisting as roommates when that happens.

When you got married, you vowed to love and cherish each other.  Until the day you die.  Not until you have babies.  If you really want to care for your children in the best possible way, do it by making your marriage solid.  That means following through with what you promised on your wedding day.  Building a relationship that causes you to grow together instead of growing apart.  

After all, the Bible says that the husband and wife are one flesh, not the kids and their Mama. They may come from us, but we are united with our husband, not our kids.

One thing to keep in mind is relationships always drift apart, they never drift together.  If you fail to put effort into your marriage, it will drift.  Faster than any other kind.

Give your marriage and your spouse as much attention as you give your children, it’s really that easy. Give the kids ice cream for dinner, turn on some Spongebob and lock your bedroom door.  Put them to bed a little early and snuggle on the couch with him. Hire a babysitter or take them to Grandma’s for the night and spend some one-on-one time with him. Or even go away for a romantic weekend together. Not only so he knows but so he feels he’s your number one priority.

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Forgetting That Date

My marriage was dying.

It was like a slow, silent kind of death.  One we were both uncomfortably aware of but unwilling to speak about.

Hopelessness consumed our days.  We wore hurt and brokenness daily like winter jackets.

Our marriage seemed comprised of arguments, an unwillingness to understand each other and selfish hearts.

We were living in the same house and unsure of what the future looked like.

On a warm summer day the silence was broken and we found ourselves at a crossroads between divorce and reconciliation.

The first thing I did was look at the calendar, knowing it was a date I’d never forget.

That date.  That date.  That date.

We spent days being swallowed up by anger.  We spent days having tear soaked faces.  We spent days having hopelessness walk beside us.

But then…

THEN GOD.

There was a night when I was at my breaking point.  I got in my car and started driving.  I ended up on a hill in the middle of the woods.  The sky was covered with stars and I could see for miles around.  I listened to hymns, sang along, cried my eyes out and talked to God for hours on end.  When I left the hill that night I had something new, HOPE!

I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my husband what the conversation between God and I held.

In that moment we were catapulted into trusting Him more than we ever had to in the past.

We handed our marriage to God, knowing we couldn’t revive it ourselves.  And with that, God breathed new life into our dying marriage.  He showed us both forgiveness in a way we had never known and restored our marriage, making it better than it ever had been in the past.

The new marriage we had was amazing.  It was filled with compromise, hope, selflessness and love.

But every year I still remembered that date.

That date.

On that date my heart would still feel pangs of sadness.  I would pull our story out and read over it from beginning to end.  I would blog about it.  I would talk about it.  I would re-walk our journey.

Each year I sat that day aside to relive it all.  All the hurt.  The arguments.  The selfishness.  And the death of my marriage.

I had never fully allowed God, and my husbands love, to heal my heart.

Until this year.

One day I realized, no matter how hard I thought, I couldn’t remember that date.  A date that at one time held such significance no longer did.  A date that was spent reliving all the hard had been erased by all the good.

I told my husband, and a smile graced his lips.  I hadn’t realized how my reliving that date hurt his heart.  He told me he’s always hoped the love he has for me, and the love he shows me, to be enough.  Enough to erase that date and make it insignificant.

That’s exactly what it did.

A combination of a lot of heart work by God and my husbands selfless love erased it completely.  Where there was once a void there is now amazing love.

I want you to know God can see into the deepest depths of your heart.  He knows exactly what it will take to restore Hope into your heart, into your life and into your marriage.  He meets us where we are and loves us just as we are, sinners.  He showers us with his amazing grace.  We have a God who knows how we feel, and really cares.  He knows our doubts and hopelessness.  He can help when we’re willing to bring those things to him.  God walks with us during our hopeless times and never leaves us.

Romans 8:28 says And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Our marriages aren’t exempt from this.  When we are in the middle of a trial in marriage, it’s hard to see how God could ever use it for good.  But He has promised to use them for good, and He is faithful to keep His word.  Give your marriage over to God and allow Him to heal the hopeless and the hardness.  He will bring beauty from the ashes.  And in time you will forget that date too.

Parents and PDAs

Hugs, hand holding and kissing are all normal scenes in our home. 

I love you is a daily statement between all of us.

And yes, I can usually count on a butt smack when I walk past my husband.

We’ve never hidden the affection and love we have for each other from our children.  I think it’s great for kids to see Mom and Dad putting their relationship first.  Most of the time, especially in today’s society, the opposite happens.  Parents are making their kids a priority and at the end of the day, they just don’t have any time left for each other.

Why is affection in front of your kids important?

1.  You’re showing them a healthy marriage

It’s so important that our kids can watch us giving our spouse love and respect.  That they can see we are still pursuing our spouses heart.  The byproduct is that my kids see their parents dating.

Our kids are watching us.  They are learning to be comfortable with affection and to be affectionate with their own partner in the long run.  Kiss your husband, dance with him and hold his hand.  Pursue his heart.  Show them your romance.  What an absolutely perfect place for them to learn about love!

And think about it, if Christian marriages look boring why would our kids want to grow up and have one of their own?  We need to show them that even though what the world has to offer looks fun and exciting, a Christian marriage can blow that out of the water!  They will undoubtedly pick up certain things from media and movies but the most important lessons come from you!  We need to be modeling a healthy, fun and exciting marriage to our children if we want to have any hope of them wanting it for themselves.  This constantly teaches something healthy to counter the constant barrage of media, pop culture and peer influence.

We are not only telling our kids what a happy, healthy marriage looks like, we are showing them.

2.  You’re giving them security

When children see their parents giving each other time, affection, and respect it is a reassurance of our love and makes them feel secure.

They can see their parents taking care of themselves so that frees that up to enjoy being a child.  They don’t have to worry about Mommy and Daddy because they take care of each other.  Seeing parents happy together breeds emotionally healthy children.

Whether we know it or not, our kids worry about divorce.  They hear at school about their friends parents getting a divorce, and it makes their little minds wonder about their parents.  When they see affection between their parents, and can see their parents love each other, it squelches those fears and gives them security.

3.  You are helping your marriage!

There is power in a kiss, even if it happens while you’re cooking dinner.  Kissing brings a spike in dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin.  This increases feelings of pleasure, longing and contentment.  And it fosters bonding.  So that kiss while you’re cooking is really helping your marriage!

Kissing is an essential act of marital intimacy.  I am a big supporter of pursuing your mans heart and being intentional about intimacy.  That is apparent by reading my series called Intimacy Ignited.  You will have a better, more fulfilling marriage if you’re kissing often.

So go ahead, embarrass your littles.  Show them you’re healthy marriage.  Pursue your husbands heart and plant a big ole’ smooch on him today.