My husband and I have heard, time and time again, that we are other peoples “relationship goals”.  And while flattering, it has sparked many conversations between us on not only why but how we got to where we are…and how we could help others as well.  I’ve made a list of ten things God has taught us throughout the ridiculously blessed, hard years we’ve been married.

Keep God at the center of your marriage.  This is a lesson we learned the hard way. Marriage is difficult. Actually, difficult is an understatement.  Let’s be real here, there are going to be days you hope he chokes on his cereal.  The hardness of marriage is obvious when you see how many couples end in divorce. It’s two imperfect people living together, failing daily. The only way to make your marriage truly work is to center it on Christ. You have to rely on God for wisdom, power, love and strength for your marriage.  And forgiveness, for that one time you hoped he would choke.

Allow him to lead without stepping in the way.  This was a hard lesson for this stubborn, independent girl to learn.   Um, hello…I took the words honor and obey out of my marriage vows. I know, not my most stellar moment.  I would tell him I wanted him to lead but then tell him he wasn’t doing it right.  Sure as the sun rises and sets, I’d step in and take over.  I wish I could say it was easy to stop, but I’m stubborn.  And it took lots (read this as an abnormal amount) of life lessons from God and probably the hardest heart work He’s ever done.

Never stop trying to improve your marriage.  We’ve been married for 22 gloriously hard years, and we are still looking for ways to improve.  Keep reading, keep learning, keep improving and don’t ever get comfortable and let your guard down.  If one thing doesn’t work, try something else.  The best advice I’ve heard is to run your marriage like a business.  Successful businesses are successful because of the amazing foundation they’re built on.

Don’t put your kids first.  Hear me out on this one. Don’t allow your mothering to take precedence over your marriage. Is being a Mama important? Well, absolutely! Pour your heart into those littles, but don’t neglect your man. Oh how many marriages I’ve saw fail because the kids were made top priority. The kids grow up, move out of the house and the parents look at each other like strangers. You have to nourish your marriage!  As for us, both our kids are adults and will be moving out soon.  We’re already planning the things we’ll do together!

Let others know he is yours.  I don’t mean buy him one of those “I love my wife” shirts and making him wear it every other day.  Although once upon a time I may have bought my husband that exact shirt.  I mean post on his Facebook once in a while, shout out a Tweet to him, take a snap of the two of you watching a movie and just let it be known, he is yours.

Sex is important. No, it’s not everything…but it’s one notch below.  God designed sex and marriage to go hand in hand. God intended sex to create a oneness within our marriage. We don’t want to feel deprived and neither do our spouses.  I read a book a few years ago that was a sex game changer and I highly recommend it to all married couples.  It was Intimacy Ignited by Dr. Joseph and Linda Dillow and Dr. Peter and Lorraine Pintus.  Also, The Passion Principles by Shannon Ethridge.  You can also check out my posts from my Ignite Intimacy series here.

Most fights are over stupid things. Honestly, stupid things that don’t really even matter.  I once spent an entire day furious at my husband for buying me the wrong value meal from McDonald’s.  I mean, after this long he should know what I like…right?  I could fill this blog post and four others with the absolutely ridiculous, stupid things I’ve gotten mad over.  When I was younger {okay, and even sometimes now} I always wanted to prove my point and have the last word.  I’ve learned it’s more important to prove your love than your point. And what’s the best way to do that?  Not arguing over dumb things.  And eating that burger, even though it has onions on it, and you hate onions, and he should know that.

Never stop pursuing him. Write him love notes and tuck them in his lunchbox. Send him a racy text (I highly suggest knowing the location of his phone before this one. Remember…on smart phones, said text will pop up on the screen.) Tell him how much you appreciate him. Buy the stinkin’ lingerie that he likes on you, even if you feel it’s a waste of money. Kiss him and hold his hand, even if you’re in a horribly long checkout line at WalMart.  Pursue that mans heart daily.

Don’t be disrespectful. Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. {Ephesians 5:33} I’ve read this verse over and over again trying to find a loophole.  There isn’t one.  It doesn’t say respect your husband only when you feel he deserves it, it doesn’t say he has to GIVE respect to GET respect and it’s certainly not up to us to deem when he is worthy of it. God was pretty clear with this verse, the wife MUST respect her husband.

Have fun together! One thing I can say about my husband and I is we know how to have fun {and laugh ridiculous amounts} doing anything!  Some of it may be at inappropriate times and places but at least we’re laughing.  You need to make sure you have fun together too! Fun is a key ingredient to a successful friendship. No one wants to spend time with a Debbie Downer (or someone that gets super mad over onions on their burger).  Laugh.  And laugh.  And laugh some more.

First, a confession.

I struggled with praying.

For some reason, I grew up thinking praying for everyone else was what God wanted but praying for myself was selfish.  For years, I took the petitions of others to God but never my own.  I would gladly pray for everyone else but when it came to me, I just couldn’t do it.  I wish I knew where this thought process came from or what moment in time formed it.  And more than anything I wish I had changed it sooner.

I struggled with this on and off, until I read a comment that changed my prayer life forever.

If we want to pray for others in powerful and effective ways…if we want God to work in and through us for His glory…we must first pray for ourselves. 

Thankfully, with Gods grace, my prayer life has changed.

Then He decided to stretch me again.

Another confession.

I cannot pray out loud with other people without crying.

Remember me, the ultimate crier?  Praying out loud is just one more thing to add to my makes me cry list.

Years ago, a special prayer meeting was held at our church specifically for our Pastor.  We prayed all together then eventually broke off into groups to pray.  As soon as others started praying, I could feel the tears welling.  And then it was my turn.  With a lump in my throat I tried to talk.  The words just wouldn’t come out.  At this point I was close to sobbing.  Bless their hearts, they were patient with me.  I was a complete mess.  A sobbing, snotty mess.

And then God started nudging my heart to pray with my husband.

One thing I had always loved was slipping my hand into my husbands when the Pastor prays before the sermon.  It just felt special, intimate and right.  I knew I had to obey, I knew I would feel all those things and more, but I also had no desire to be a mess every time.

And let’s be real here.  Praying as a couple can be challenging. Many of us aren’t comfortable praying out loud, and so we’re not sure how to bring prayer into our marriage.

Just as being intimate reminds you of your oneness, so does praying together. When you pray as a couple, you are communicating with God and each other. You can learn so much about one another by sharing prayer requests and listening to each other pray.

All marriages, mine included, have problems.  We are two imperfect people that daily fail each other.  My husband, bless his heart, he’s married to a strong-willed quick-tempered girl with a big mouth.  But thankfully when we add the presence of a perfect God, we have unlimited possibilities for drawing closer to what God intended for marriage. The more you pray together, the more you will see God do great things!

Praying together helps remind us that there are three of you in this marriage (you, your husband, and God), and God wants to be a part of it with you.

Here are a few tips to get started.  And believe me, I’ll be reading this list over and over to help us.

Be honest.  Talk about it beforehand and be honest about your feelings about praying together.  I think being nervous and intimidated is normal, at least I think it is.  My goal was to pray with my husband without being a sobbing, snotty mess.

Pick a time and commit.  You’ll never get started praying together on a regular basis if you don’t make this definite commitment to a specific, agreed-upon time.

Decide who will do what. Know ahead of time who is praying first, where you are praying at and how long you will pray for.

Be comfortable.  If neither of you are comfortable praying out loud, start by just holding hands and praying to yourself.  And set a time limit for how long you will pray.

Prayer doesn’t have to be out loud to be real and heard by God.  You can pray together silently, you can write your prayer down and read it when you’re together or pray while you talk.
Praying doesn’t have to be a long, drawn out thing. Sometimes “sentence prayers” are more effective.  When people feel awkward or nervous, understanding that it doesn’t have to be a big prayer can take the pressure off. So you could just use a few sentences to start, and go back and forth.  Even if it’s just a minute or two together, it’s a start!

I’d love to hear from you about your prayer life as a couple. What works and what doesn’t?

I am no stranger to storybook romance. Marrying at twenty to the sweetest man, I am blessed to be familiar with this form of love – love as a falling and a pursuit and a passion. We were introduced for the first time on a cold February evening, bundled up as we stood outside while snow gently fell around us. We stood there with our cherry-red noses, enamored with each other.

One month later we were engaged. We were married three months after that, with vows breathed in the little country church I was born into.

We both entered marriage in love with being in love. I adored the romance, comfort and support a spouse offered. I loved waking up beside him each morning and laying down beside him each night. I loved that he was my best friend and knew me better than anyone. We had our own unwritten language and could share a look or a word that no one else would understand but WE knew what it meant. I loved how he could make me laugh more than anyone else.

Throughout the years, I’ve collected every card and love letter my husband has written me. I have them all safely tucked away but on occasion will pull an old one out and pour over the words. It’s in that moment, between the lines, I can see this love of ours has, without a doubt, changed over time.

It isn’t because it’s any less. It isn’t because we’re walking through a valley. It isn’t because the laundry is piled sky high. It is something different.Throughout the past twenty-one years we’ve made a conscious choice to daily say that we still do, even now, especially now.

He has continued to choose me, even on days I wear sweat pants and a messy bun. He has continued to choose me, throughout every sickness and surgery. He has continued to choose me, even when I’m undeserving.

And I’ve chosen him.  This is daily love.

Daily love is strung together choices. The feelings, undoubtedly, will rise and fall. Being in love with love will fade as the toughness of life becomes a reality. But marriage is not meant to be a lifetime commitment to fairy tale love alone. Marriage is designed to be a repetitive I do, a daily commitment of choosing us over me.

Marriage was designed specifically by God to mirror the relationship between Christ and His church. In marriage, we are acting out a living parable to help our children and others around us grasp what God is like in a more concrete way.

Over the years God has softened and shaped my heart. He has shown me that I need to love my husband without unreal, fairy tale expectations. He has shown me that marriage means intentionally looking for love. It’s in those moments, when I pause and reflect, I am flooded with displays of love right in front of me:

• It’s in the endless miles he’s driven me to appointments.
• It’s in the washing, drying and folding of laundry he does.
• It’s in the hug and kiss I get when he walks in the door.
• It’s in the time we spend together, from grocery shopping to shooting guns.
• It’s in his understanding when somehow 8 backyard chickens suddenly become 43.
• It’s in his support of all my crazy ideas.

In these ways and thousands of others, he shows me, he tells me, he loves me.

I am so thankful our love story has so many chapters left to be written in it. As your love story is written by the ultimate Author of love, you might just be surprised at the romance you find. And just how much your husband does, in fact, resemble prince charming. No matter what the situation, or what mess it may hold, he’s still my hero and I’m still his girl.