This week the world watched as one marriage fell apart in a very public way.  I’m sure we’ve all saw the viral “kiss cam” video from the Coldplay concert.  You’d be hard-pressed to find someone that hasn’t saw it.  In the days following we’ve saw memes, videos, recreations…laughter at the expense of one broken heart.  His wife.

My heart breaks for her heart.  I’ve felt the nudge for a few days to write this article and today, I knew it was the right time.

To the wife that just found out about her husbands unfaithfulness:

The silent burden you’re carrying seems too heavy to lift some days.  The hurt, the extreme hurt, seems to reach directly down to your bones.  The knife stabbing pains of a broken heart.  There are days where the pain literally takes away your ability to breathe.

Things that once looked so familiar to you now look like things you don’t even recognize.  The coffee pot he made coffee in each morning while he was lying to you.  The couch you snuggled on while watching tv while he was lying to you.  The stairs you both walked up to your bedroom while he was lying to you.  The socks he put on each morning while he was lying to you.  Literally every single item in your house is filled with lies.  And as you glance around each day, that is what you see.

Some might tell you to take comfort in knowing you aren’t suffering alone, that there are so many other women across the world walking this same path.  You find no comfort in that.  None.  Truth is the valley you are walking through is dark, cold, lonely and so very scary.  Along the path is hurt, anger and bitterness.

Let me speak directly to your heart sweet girl.  God wants to hold your broken heart in His hands.  That is the only way.  Listen to my words and let me say it again…that is the ONLY way.  He can heal your broken heart and He will heal it.  But first, you must give Him all the pieces.  The challenge is first finding all of the pieces.  Like shards of broken glass, the pieces weave themselves so very deep into our hearts.  And Satan is right there, breaking the pieces smaller and hiding them better.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds
Psalm 147:3

The pain touches a deep, vulnerable place often known only to God.  When hurting is the only thing you can feel, it is such a lonely place to be.  So many times when we are going through pain, we are told to get over it, move on and let it go.  They don’t understand how slow this hurt heals.  The world offers so many ways to numb the pain, but they are only temporary fixes.  Please oh please don’t fall for that trap.  If we turn to them we aren’t allowing God to heal our hurt.  Allowing Him to search and heal our hearts is the only true way to have them healed.  Only He knows the deepness and complexity of our pain.

Psalm 56:8 says You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.  Our tears are not in vain.  God knows each of His children intimately, and every tear we shed has meaning to Him.  He remembers our sorrow.  And in the end, He will share His joy with us.  Revelation 21:4 says He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.  Sweet girl, find comfort in that.  Not only does he know your sorrow, but He will wipe every tear from our eyes.  Don’t suffer through your grief alone.  Don’t be unwilling to be vulnerable with God.  And please, even though you are angry, don’t blame God.  Give Him your heart, hand it over to Him to search and find all those little pieces of hurt and allow His hands to heal it as only He can.

Search me O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way
Psalm 139:23-24

When it feels like all hope is lost, hand that relationship over to God.  It’s so easy to make rash decisions while our heart is broken.  Many days, divorce sounds like the best and sometimes easiest option.  Hand it over to Him, pray about it and search out biblical council.  And maybe that will be the end result for your relationship.  If it is, cling to God like never before and allow Him to carry you through it.  I pray if this is the end result that you will be surrounded with grace and an enormous amount of love and support.

But maybe God has a beautiful reconciliation full of grace planned for you.  Often times the relationship, once it has endured the storm, will come out of it stronger and new.  Through all the conversations, all the deepness, you now know each other differently.  This is the blessing of true healing from the hands of God.  At times, taking it day by day seems like such a big task.  Just take it minute by minute, and allow His grace to carry you through each one.

I know even reading this post made your heart ache and the tears flow.  I wish so very much I could reach through this screen and give you a big hug and just cry with you.  One day the hurt will be a little less, I promise.  And that will feel like the first “good day” you’ve ever had.  And each week, there will be more glimpses of sunshine.  Eventually your good days will run together, and smiles and laughter will abound.  Trust me, you will get there if you allow God to heal your heart.  He brings beauty from the ashes.

You will move on past this.  You will hold your head high, knowing the storm may have knocked you down but it didn’t win.

I am no stranger to storybook romance.  Marrying at twenty to the sweetest man, I am blessed to be familiar with love – love as a falling and a pursuit and a passion.  We were introduced for the first time on a cold February evening, bundled up as we stood outside while snow gently fell around us.  We stood there with our cherry-red noses, enamored with each other.  It felt like our very own real Lifetime movie.

I am also no stranger to going against the grain and doing life differently than others.  One month later we were engaged.  We were married three months after that, with vows breathed in the little country church I was born into.

We both entered marriage in love with being in love.  I adored the romance, comfort and support a spouse offered.  I loved waking up beside him each morning and laying down beside him each night.  I loved that he was my best friend and knew me better than anyone.  We had our own unwritten language and could share a look or a word that no one else would understand but WE knew what it meant.  I loved how he could make me laugh more than anyone else.

Falling in love is the most blissful feeling.  With each new discovery in your relationship, you feel yourself falling more and more in love.  You just know, in your heart of hearts, that you’ve found the right person to spend the rest of your life with.  You’ve found your person.  Your days are filled with dreams of getting married, writing their last name after your first name, having a family and sitting on the porch swing holding hands while watching your grand-kids play in the yard.  You are certain these feelings will last forever.

But they didn’t.

Eventually the laundry piles up, the kids are hanging on your leg screaming, you’re both sleep deprived from the new baby, the house looks like a tornado went through and the bills are more than your income.  In that moment you feel your happily ever after begin to wear off.

Doubt creeps in.  You begin to wonder if you even married the right person.   It seems everything he does gets on your nerves, from the way he leaves his socks on the stairs to the way he chews his food.  The person you are married to isn’t the same person you fell in love with.  You begin to doubt your choice.  You look at other couples around you, so happily in love, and you wonder why you don’t have that.  Your social media feed is filled with perfect couples in perfect love.  You feel life isn’t fair, at least yours isn’t.  Before long, you can feel your heart slowly drifting away from his.

Sometimes the waters are so rough, you wonder if you’ll make it through.

Slowly, over time, bricks pile up one-by-one — a small comment that hurts, a disrespectful look or being too tired to share details from the day.  Each one doesn’t seem like a big deal, but over days and weeks and months they stack up.  Before you know it they’ve created a wall.  Sure, these bricks can be torn down, but it takes vulnerability.  Someone has to reach out to the other person with a hug, kiss or a kind word.  The same fatigue from the everyday stress of life, the stress which allowed the wall to go up, makes it hard to tear it down.

Throughout the years, I’ve collected every card and love letter my husband has written me.  I have them all safely tucked away, but on occasion I will pull an old one out and pour over the words.  It’s in that moment, between the lines, I can see this love of ours has, without a doubt, changed over time.

It isn’t because it’s any less.  It isn’t because we’re walking through a valley.  It isn’t because the laundry is piled sky high and the bills are mounting.  It is something different.

Throughout the past twenty-eight years we’ve made a conscious choice to daily say that we still do, even now.  Especially now.

He has continued to choose me, even on days I wear sweat pants and a messy bun.  He has continued to choose me, throughout every sickness and surgery.  He has continued to choose me, even when I’m undeserving.  He has continued to choose me, even on the days my sass and my attitude make me unlovable.

And I’ve chosen him.

Love is strung together choices.  The feelings, undoubtedly, will rise and fall.  Being in love with love will fade as the toughness of life becomes a reality.  As life goes on we all change, we grow, we mature and life changes us.  But marriage is not meant to be a lifetime commitment to fairy tale love alone.  Marriage is designed to be a repetitive I do, a daily commitment of choosing us over me.

You choose to love who they are at each point in life, not only who they used to be.

Marriage was designed specifically by God to mirror the relationship between Christ and His church.  In marriage, we are acting out a living parable to help our children and others around us grasp what God is like in a more concrete way.

Over the years God has softened and shaped my heart.  He has shown me that I need to love my husband without unreal, fairy tale expectations.  He has shown me that marriage means intentionally looking for love.  It’s in those moments I am flooded with displays of love right in front of me.  Love is the endless miles he’s driven me to doctor appointments.  Love is the hug, kiss and butt slap I get when he walks in the door.  Love is the laundry he does.  Love is his understanding that somehow 8 backyard chickens suddenly became 30.  Love is his support of all my crazy Pinterest ideas.  It’s in these ways and thousands of others that he shows me, he tells me, he loves me.

I am so thankful our love story has so many chapters left to be written in it.  As your love story is written by the ultimate Author of love, you might just be surprised at the romance you find.  And just how much your husband does, in fact, resemble prince charming.  No matter what the situation, or what mess it may hold, he’s still my hero and I’m still his girl.

Valentine’s Day is just six short weeks after Christmas.  And, once again, our spouses are under pressure to find the perfect gift for us.

Let’s face it, we don’t make it easy on them.  They are expected to read our minds and know what the perfectly perfect gift is that our heart is craving.  Y’all have no idea how many tears I’ve shed during our relationship because my husband didn’t inherently know what I wanted to receive.  Of course I couldn’t tell him what I wanted, that would take every ounce of romance out of it.  And he should be able to read my mind, right?

When I think about what I would love to receive for Valentine’s Day, I’ve been thinking a bit beyond the tangible.  I’ve been thinking about what, for me, would communicate: I love you, I adore you, I still want to date you, I’m thankful for you, I cherish you, I appreciate you, I see the many things you do that go unnoticed and I love how you take care of our children.

I’m sure you’ve all heard about the popular series of books by Gary Chapman based on what he calls The 5 Love Languages.  The main concept of the book is that there are 5 main ways in which people receive and give love: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts and quality time.  The primary way in which you express love is also the main way in which you receive love from others.

Being aware of how your partner communicates love is key here.  If you aren’t sure of how they naturally communicate love, you may very well be missing out on all of the ways they ARE expressing love to you on the daily.  Take the time to figure out her love language, and gift giving will be made easy!

The gift ideas I offer to you today are a mix of the tangible and intangible.  Gifts that, when coupled with some simple actions, will communicate what her heart craves to hear.  When you start planning your gift giving early, you resist the temptation to grab a last minute gift from the store that could possibly come across as thoughtless.  I know you’d never want your sweet lady to think that!

So, with that, I give you what she really wants for Valentine’s Day!

The Gift of Planning

For Valentine’s Day (or honestly any other day of the year), most women would love for their husbands to just plan a date all on their own.  Y’all, she would love this!  I would love this.  You have no idea how many times my husband asks what I would like to do for our date night and my response is surprise me!  Women love for you to take the lead when it comes to pursuing them!  You don’t need to ask her what she wants to do or where she wants to eat, just plan it.  She’ll adore you taking the time and initiative to plan an entire date, and it will make her feel so loved and appreciated.  If you’re married, trust your instincts.  You know her likes and dislikes, just go with it.  Trust me, she won’t be disappointed.

The Gift of Jewelry

Jewelry is always a nice surprise.  My first piece of advice is don’t spend a lot of money if you aren’t sure she will love it.  And my second piece of advice is don’t buy it from your local drug store.  If you want to know what she likes, stalk her Pinterest page or look at her Etsy favorites.  If you still aren’t sure ask her sister or her friends.  She’ll appreciate the time you put into finding the perfect piece!

Here are a few of my favorite pieces from Etsy:

• Sterling Silver Triangle Ring
• Raw Crystal Necklace
• Dainty Solid Gold Heart Ring
• Sterling Silver Cuff Bracelet (customizable)

The Gift of Words

Tell her what she means to you.  Tell her.  And then tell her over and over again.  Write her a note to tell her and hide it in a place she’ll find it.  Put it on her pillow, on the washing machine or in that book she’s reading.  Believe me, she’ll appreciate that more than you know.  And she’ll more than likely shed a few tears.  If you aren’t good with words or unsure of what to say, I wrote a post on words she needs to hear.  Give her a big hug and kiss when you walk in the door after work.  Just hold her in your arms.  From a woman’s perspective, this little act of kindness can wash away all the negative things that happened during the day and change the tone of the evening.  To me, this would mean more than all the flowers and chocolate in the world.

The Gift of Flowers

First, find out if she likes flowers.  And maybe make certain she isn’t allergic to them.  You’ll need to do a little research and find out what she likes.  It could be roses or maybe a fancy orchid or even some cute potted succulents.  The key here is putting thought into it and not just grabbing a bouquet from beside the WalMart checkout line.  Order her favorite flowers from a florist and have them delivered to her.  You could even order them online.  I’ll tell you Farm Girl Flowers has the most beautiful, unique arrangements!  Couple the flowers with a love letter and you’re all set!

The Gift of Free Time

This might be the most simple, yet one of the best gifts ever that a wife could receive!  While it is so important to regularly spend time together as a couple, there’s something to be said for a woman having time alone with absolutely NO agenda.  Free time without kids, no one needing their noses wiped, no laundry staring them in the face, no curfew of when to be home by and no cell phone interruptions.  Allow her to be completely unplugged.  Wives, imagine your husband saying, “Saturday I’m getting up with the kids and taking them out. Just sleep in, take a bath and then take the day and do whatever you want to do. Don’t worry about us, just enjoy your day.”

If you’re wondering if this is an actual gift, all you need to do is take ten minutes scrolling Facebook.  You’ll see just how many Mama’s post about a trip alone to Target feeling like a vacation.  Or wishing they could actually go to the bathroom by themselves for 2 minutes.  Yep, this absolutely would qualify as a gift!  And I guarantee when you get home, she’ll feel like a new woman!  Want to take this gift to an entire new level?  Add in some gift cards to her favorite stores, one for the local spa and one for her lunch.  She’ll adore her free day and not having to worry about her spending!

The Gift of Perfume

Do you know her favorite scent?  If not, here is a little list including links to some really good ones.  A beautiful bottle of perfume is such a romantic gift.  Not to mention every time she wears it she’ll be reminded of you.

• Rapture by Victoria’s Secret
• Bloom by Gucci
• Romance by Ralph Lauren
• Donna Born In Roma by Valentino
• Wonderlust by Michael Kors

The Gift of Service

As women, we are the keepers of our home.  As wives and Mamas, sometimes the tasks we do daily often feel not only repetitious but also like they aren’t seen or noticed.  Women are generally the ones who have everyone’s schedule and needs simultaneously running through our minds at any given moment.  We’re always thinking out beyond the present moment to what needs to happen next to keep it all on track, on schedule and sane.  Read this as we’re stressed.  Tell her you’re taking over her chores for the day and for her to go sit on the couch, snuggle in with a soft blanket and read that new book she’s been wanting to start.  This will show her that you not only recognize what she does daily, but that you appreciate it.  And guess what?  She’s going to be like “Wow, this is amazing. I so super love you.”  And guess who is going to look like the hero?  Yeah, you.  And who will reap the rewards of said hero?  Yep, you will!

The Gift of Gifts

There are so many other thoughtful gifts that don’t necessarily fall into any of the above categories.  I’ll place the list and links below:

• This beautiful robe from Bollie
• Custom prints of you as a couple, your favorite song or important dates
• This cute candle or this one
• A Fabfitfun subscription (a gift that she’ll continue getting all year long!)
• A gift card for Barnes & Noble (if she’s a reader) or Ulta (if she loves makeup) or Coach (if she loves cute handbags)

Hopefully I’ve given you some good ideas, or just some inspiration to come up with your own ideas.  I hope it challenges you to think about how you communicate love to your partner and how she receives love.  Above all, I really challenge you to not just settle into a groove where your spouse is concerned.  Be inspired, love well, make it an unforgettable Valentine’s Day.  Move beyond the ordinary into the extraordinary!