Forever Beloved

Faith, Love & Truth

The Worst Breakup

Ironically enough, I woke up that morning feeling brave.

I was exhausted and sick, not knowing why my body was fighting against me.  But amidst the chaotic day of returning doctors phone calls and pouring over test results, a passion stirred in my heart at the thought of being brave and telling my best friend how much I missed her.

I had thought of sending her flowers with a cute note, or writing her a letter that expressed just how very much our friendship had meant to me over the years.  But I settled on the easiest way, sending her a Facebook message expressing my feelings.

I grabbed a cup of coffee and sat at my desk to begin my message.  A smile graced my lips as I thought of all the great times we had together, and I recalled them to her in my message.

As I bravely pushed send, and saw those familiar three bouncing dots pop up, I just knew she was going to return my sweet words with ones of her own.  And we would happily plan our next get together of chatting over coffee.

When the message appeared on my screen, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.

“Have you thought of getting a job so you aren’t so lonely?”

I blinked my eyes, thinking I had read it wrong.  And re-read it again.

She went on to say how my “neediness” was just a little bit too much for her.

I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer.  My heart was broken.

That was the day our friendship died.

Breakups happen daily, with both sides left to pick up the pieces.  Breakups are gross.  And we can talk through every side until there is not one detail left unsaid.

But you know what we don’t talk about enough?

When friendships break up.

It all fell apart over a three-month period.  I could feel her pulling away.  It didn’t matter how funny or sweet or kind I was, she continually drifted away.  I watched new friends take my spot at her kitchen table, using the coffee cup that had been dubbed mine.  I watched her tag other girls in friendship posts on Facebook, never once mentioning me.

But years of deep friendship ended and the ripping apart felt the way a sheet looks when it is torn in two.  Shredded.  Loud.  Sudden.  Jagged.

Of all the romantic breakups in my life, none have come close to hurting the way a breakup with a best friend hurt. I didn’t know a feeling like that could exist. It was breathtaking, but in an absolutely terrible way.

I experienced that deep-down, soul-altering, barely-can-breathe kind of grief that only comes through a heart-wrenching break up of a friendship.  It cut to the core, once again I was rejected.  It was almost as if I heard her whisper, “You aren’t good enough”.

The breakup with my best friend was one of the hardest, saddest valleys I’ve ever walked through.  The pain was real, and deep.  The tears would come without warning.  The waves of anger and confusion would crash daily.  My heart was shattered and I felt so alone.

And after the dust settled, I didn’t know who to talk with and I didn’t know what to feel and I didn’t know what to call what had just happened.

We each have our person, the one we run to when life gets messy.  But who do you talk to when things are broken with your person?

I was afraid to talk about the breakup with others.  I was afraid of being labeled a gossip or wacky or needy or clingy or overly invested.  And I didn’t want to be judged for being brokenhearted over an ended friendship.  Breakups hurt, whether you were in love with someone or just loved by them.

How do you begin to heal your heart from a breakup that no one else would label a breakup?

The only place I knew to run to without being judged for my feelings, and my heartbreak, was to God.  I ran to Him quickly, and daily.  And in that gap between my heartbreak and His healing, I chose to trust His timing.

Female friendships can be hard.  Amen!

I grew up as an only child.  Because I didn’t have siblings to love on or fight with, I clung to my friendships even tighter.  My friends were my siblings.  I grew up being absolutely devoted to my friends.  Having that mindset makes it even more difficult to lose a friend.

Relationships are important to all of us, whether we admit it or not.  They’re a gift and a responsibility from God.  But how can we build that relationship into a friendship that will last a lifetime?

I have always yearned for what Anne of Green Gables calls a bosom friend.

God created women to crave deep personal relationships, so our friendships are a huge part of who we are.  Chances are, right now you’re either smiling because you’re thinking about your own best friend or you’re feeling sad because you wish you one.  Either way, your heart connects with the idea of friendship.

Friends are the family we choose for our self.  Isn’t that such a great feeling?  Friendships often produce the tightest bonds and greatest loyalties.  We walk through life with our friends.  They help shape our character, cheer us on from the sidelines and silently hug us while we cry.  We meet them at all different seasons of life; some have been with us since we were just wee ones and others we encounter later down the road.  No matter how they’ve entered our life, friendship is a gift from God.

Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, ‘The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.  1 Samuel 20:42

How beautiful is that?  I mean, that’s Hallmark movie stuff right there. We have sworn friendship to each other in the name of the Lord. Doesn’t that just make your heart happy?  How many of us crave a friendship like that?  Those true, genuine friendships are one of life’s real blessings!

My breakup happened three years ago.  And though I wish I could tell you I’m over it, there are still days it breaks my heart all over again.  On those days, I lay it once again at my Fathers feet.

But I will tell you this, years later, I realize wholeheartedly it was what was best for me. While I hate that the friendship ended (and it absolutely ended), I don’t regret what came of it.  Once that friendship was stripped away, it revealed in me that it wasn’t healthy.  And Jesus needed a wide path to heal some things in me.

Through my heartache He made beauty from those ashes.

The more I say out loud, “the hardest breakup of my life was with a friend,” the more teary-eyes I see from other women.  More of us have walked through this than you probably know.  You are not alone if your heart is broken over a friendship.  And you should talk about it.

And while I can’t fix it for you, and I can’t take away your heartache, I can tell you this.

Don’t be afraid to call it a breakup.

Don’t be afraid to talk about it.

Run directly to Him.  He wants to hold your broken heart in His hands and with His loving grace, piece it back together.

And somehow, in ways we don’t get, it will be beautiful.

Christians and Tattoos

Not long ago a Christian blogger created a social media storm with her post “Men prefer debt free virgins without tattoos”.  It quickly made it’s way across social media with opinions in tow.

As soon as I read it, my heart was saddened.  I felt it’s harsh judgmental overtone silenced the most important thing, the sovereign grace of God.

And the article has opened up a discussion among many people.

Is it a sin to get a tattoo?

Tattoos have grown in popularity in recent years.  36% of Americans between the age of 18 and 29 have at least one tattoo.  We see tattoos on Christian artists, athletes, in Disney movies (Moana) and we’ve even saw a tattooed Barbie!  And with the popularity of tattoos rising daily, it has left many Christians asking the question if it’s a sin to get a tattoo.

Christians getting tattoos is a controversial topic.  Google this issue, and you’ll see opinions varying from “Go for it!” to “You’ll go to hell for it.”

Let’s take a look at what the Bible says about tattoos first.

There isn’t really anything definitive Bible anywhere.  It makes no specific reference to tattoos as we understand them in modern times.  But many condemn tattoos because of Leviticus 19:28.  I think to understand the full concept of it, we need to include Leviticus 19:27 as well.

27 You must not cut off the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard. 28 You must not make any cuts in your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD.

Since the word tattoo does appear in this verse in some popular English translations, this argument seems straightforward.  But let’s translate it some.  It translates to, “And a cutting for the dead you will not make in your flesh; and writing marks you will not make on you; I am the Lord.”

The word writing refers to inscribed or engraved symbols/words, and is used only here.  The Jews learned a custom in Egypt of making deep gashes on the face and arms and legs in times of bereavement.  It was deemed a becoming mark of respect for the dead, as well as a sort of propitiatory offering to the deities who presided over death and the grave.  The Egyptians also tattooed their bodies with symbols of pagan gods.

The word marks, also used here alone, has an uncertain root, so we’re not really sure what the word means.  Some that say this is in connection with those who marked their bodies with a known figure for the dead.  The Canaanites would customarily slash, gash and brand their bodies for ritualistic purposes.

Further, the word tattoo did not enter into the English language until the late 1700s.  This is probably why the KJV, written in the early 1600s, is closer to the literal translation saying, “ye shall not…print marks upon you.”  The 18th-century explorer Captain James Cook is widely considered to be the first person to have introduced the word now known as “tattoo” to Europe, after returning to the continent in 1771 after his first voyage to Tahiti and New Zealand.

God gave this command to the Israelites around 1444 B.C. (right after the parting of the Red Sea) to forbid them from practicing the idolatrous customs they’d picked up in Egyptian captivity.  So God essentially said to the Israelites, I don’t want you to practice those silly superstitions anymore.  You’re my people, and I love you.

The heart of God’s message isn’t about body art, but about reminding the Israelites they belong to him.

If we are going to use that verse as our justification for condemning all tattoos, then I’d hope you’re also against ear piercing, cutting hair and trimming beards.

Also in Isaiah 49:16 we see Jesus say “See, I have inscribed you on the palm of my hands; your walls are ever before me”.  Though tattoo opponents sometimes quickly graze over that verse.  Or, one of my favorites, is being told we’ve interpreted and translated it wrong.

If we are going to take the literal application of every moral and ceremonial rule handed down to the Israelites no one could eat fruit for 3 years after a tree was planted (Leviticus 19:23), rare steaks and burgers would be a no go (Leviticus 19:26), we wouldn’t be swinging by Holiday Hair for a quick trim and color (Leviticus 19:27), no more Chinese buffet after church on Sunday (Exodus 31), you can’t bury (can’t even touch) Rover once he dies (Leviticus 5:2), yummy shrimp scampi would be no more (Leviticus 11:10), you can’t go to church for 33 days after you have a boy and 66 days after you have a girl (Leviticus 12:5) and you can’t mix fabrics no matter how cute they are (Leviticus 19:19).

While Jesus never said “ye shall not get tattoos”, we do see Him concerned with one thing.

Your heart.

Scripture clearly teaches us that the real issues of life are spiritual and are really matters of the heart.  In Mathew 15:10-20 and Mathew 23:25-28 we see Jesus is far more concerned with the inner man than someone who had only an outward appearances of holiness.

Avoiding tattoo parlors or Red Lobster doesn’t make you righteous – Jesus’ death and resurrection do!

Before getting any tattoo, take some time to read Psalm 139.  Remind yourself that God thinks you are beautiful with or without embellishments.  You are His perfectly perfect creation, handcrafted by the same hands that made the stars.  There are billions of us here on earth, but does that make any of us less valuable?  Absolutely not!  If you found billions of diamonds would they be less valuable because there were so many?

You are loved, always.  God is love.  God can’t help loving because it is an essential part of His character.  He goes looking for us when we wander away from Him.  He won’t rest until He finds us and brings us back home to Him.  He will pursue us tirelessly until we are returned to Him, our loving Father.

Jesus doesn’t care if we are messy, missing some parts or tattooed when He finds us. He welcomes us home to Him just the way we are.

Click To Tweet

If you are reading this and are strongly opposed to tattoos, let me say one thing.  You know what Jesus wants us to do?  Love on others.  Being haughty, judgmental and demeaning isn’t going to make the masses want to come to church on Sunday.  But you loving on them will…regardless if they have tattoos, have a past (and come on, we ALL do), drink, are homeless, heck even if they are prostitutes or heroin addicts.  LOVE THEM!  You know what Jesus would do? Go to them, sit with them and sweetly love on them.

Saving Your First Kiss

couple standing

“Actually”, she said with confidence, “I’m saving my first kiss for my wedding day”.

I’ve heard my daughter say this dozens of times.  And while it’s been met with positivity, that doesn’t happen often.  The feedback is usually quite disappointing.  Normally the response she receives is laughter, ridicule and mocking.  She has been on the receiving end of many jokes because of it.  She has been not only made fun of, but been mean to because of it.  And she has had friends make it their mission to get her to kiss before her wedding day.

She’s heard statements of  “What? That’s crazy!”, “You’ll change your mind once you start dating” and she’s even heard “You’ll never get a man that way”.

I’m just going to be honest here, I didn’t save my first kiss for my wedding day.  As I’ve said before, I wish I had heard that not kissing until marriage was an option.  I wish I had heard that purity was beautiful.  Valuable.  Precious.  An amazing gift given to us by God to give to our spouse.  I wish purity had been a bigger topic among my circle.  I wish I had been told that God’s grace is bigger than the choices we make.  I wish we had been talked to instead of talked at.

I’ve always been open and honest with my children (age appropriate of course).  Throughout the years during our talks I took the things I wished were different, and the lessons I had learned, and coupled that with God’s Word.  We were also blessed while she was growing up to have an amazing all-girl program at church called Daughters of the King, led by our Pastor’s wife.

During that time, God set it in my daughters heart to save her first kiss for her future husband on the day of their wedding.

We live in a day and age where kissing is the norm for elementary schoolers.  Losing your virginity in, or by, high school is expected.  Because of that culture it seems absurd and ridiculous that anyone would possibly save their first kiss for marriage.

Kissing is a gray area.  You won’t find a single spot in the Bible that says “Thou shalt not kiss”.  And because of that, we are left to seek biblical wisdom along the relationship journey.  Gray areas are not subjects where God has simply forgotten to give us insight and direction.  These are areas where God leaves room for difference and invites us into personal conversation with Him to determine how best to follow Him in these areas in our lives.  Each one of us has different convictions that God has laid on our hearts for the gray areas.  You will have to seek wisdom, study God’s Word, pray and discuss with your boyfriend what standards and boundaries you will put in place.

Just know if you choose safe standards, you are bound to hear backlash and criticism from friends and relatives.  Sometimes even strangers will chime in when they overhear a conversation.

But you have to remember that your decision is a good thing!

Instead of viewing your kiss as something meaningless and cheap, I want to challenge you to view it as a very expensive treasure box.  It’s your job to keep your treasure safe until the person with the right key comes to unlock it.

If you are deciding to save your first kiss my encouragement to you is don’t give up.  Don’t let the world tell you that’s dumb.  Don’t get scared when people ask you why.  Please don’t compromise your convictions based on peer pressure or others’ expectations.  If you want to save your first kiss for marriage, do it because you want to and because you feel God calling you to do so.  Stand firm on that decision.

And don’t be ashamed of it!

I also want to encourage those around someone that is saving their first kiss.

We want our kids to enjoy healthy relationships placed in the hands of God.  Relationships that focus on drawing closer together emotionally and spiritually before they enjoy the physical part of their relationship that is reserved only for marriage.

While saving your first kiss for your wedding day is clearly not popular, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.  It just means they are following what God has called them to do.  They aren’t weak, naive or inexperienced.  Are we really going to fault these kids for following what God has set in their heart?

And those of you who are saving your kiss, please don’t look down on those who aren’t.  Saving your kiss doesn’t gain you salvation.  And kissing while you’re dating isn’t a sin.  Those who choose to kiss before marriage just don’t share the same convictions you do, which isn’t a bad thing.  We all have different convictions laid on our hearts by God.

I want you to remember, you don’t have to kiss frogs to find princes.  Princes don’t need physical confirmation of a woman’s value.  They already value you for who you are.  We need to recognize the kiss as an incredible gift that God has given each one of us to fully embrace and enjoy in the right context.  Instead of lowering its value and blowing it off as just-a-kiss let’s view it as a precious, sacred gift.