Here we are, a week into Blogvember already!  This month is just flying by and before you know it, the snow will be flying here.  Yikes, not quite ready for that yet.

For a complete list of The Blogvember Challenge prompts, click HERE!

November 7 – Share a struggle you’re currently going through.  And give advice to others who may be facing the same struggle.

For the past nine years I’ve been on a journey.  A hard journey.  It’s been hard emotionally, mentally and most of all physically.

In the fall of 2011 I went in for a routine laparoscopic hysterectomy.  One of the first cuts the doctor made hit a main artery.  A 9 inch incision, 2 units of blood, 1 unit of plasma and 1 unit of platelets later I woke in ICU.  I had nearly died during the surgery.  And during the surgery the doctor also missed a huge cyst on my left ovary.  Four months later I went in to have that removed.

During that surgery, the same doctor put a clip on my ureter and put a hole in it.  Three days later I had emergency surgery for a kidney that hadn’t drained in days.  They installed a stent, hoping that would help the ureter heal.

Over the next 7 months, I had 8 surgeries to replace the stent.  Each one would get corroded and calcified and cause a kidney infection, which would knock me on my butt.  Finally the doctors at the Cleveland Clinic determined I needed a ureter reconstruction.

In October of 2012 I had a 14 hour surgery to repair my damaged ureter.  While they were operating, they also found I had a partial bowel obstruction from adhesions and that was fixed as well.

The surgery was a success!  But sadly, my kidney had too much damage done to it.  It was no longer functioning at all and was causing more harm than good.  In February of 2013 I had my kidney removed.  It was a routine surgery but unfortunately I had a small stroke during it, awaking to a completely numb face on the left side.

Because of all the prior abdominal surgeries, adhesions were growing rampant in my abdomen.  And we found out I have Adhesion Related Disorder.  I’ve had four robotic lysis of adhesions, and it’s a surgery I will need for the remainder of my life every year or so.

I found out in March of 2018 that I was born with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a diagnosis that explains so much of my medical journey thus far.  The EDS has caused Intracranial Hypertension (my body produces too much cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) and the pressure within my skull is too high).  The Intracranial Hypertension had also caused stenosis of a vein in my brain, a partially empty sella, hearing loss, the loss of eye sight, memory issues and horrible daily headaches.  And the stenosis of my right transverse sinus also increased my stroke risk (and explains the stroke I had during the 2013 surgery).

In June of 2018 I had a stent placed in my right transverse sinus, hopeful that it would reduce the pressure inside my skull but knowing it was up to my brain to see it as a solution.  It didn’t.  And in October of 2018 I had a Ventriculoperitoneal (VP) Shunt placed in my brain.  It has lowered the pressure a bit, but we’re still in the process of getting things just right.

But because of having EDS, my body doesn’t heal quite right.  And the incision in my abdomen from my shunt surgery didn’t heal correctly, and it created an incisional hernia.  Not only that, but the hernia also pulled my shunt tubing up out of the right side of my abdomen and had it laying on my liver.  Just last month I had surgery to correct the incisional hernia and a shunt revision.

To say this has been a taxing, scary time is putting it mildly.

But, God.

And as I’ve said numerous times, God has me on this journey for a reason that is precious and perfect. And while I may not know His reason, I will praise Him in the midst.

Throughout this entire journey I’ve been reminded time and time again of God’s extravagant love for me.  In the darkest places, I found Him there with me.  Speaking to my heart.  Speaking life into the hurt places.  I’ve learned what it’s like to seek and find Him. I’ve thrown myself at His feet in a teary heap.  I’ve learned that even in the hard times, He gives us enormous blessings.  I’ve learned joy doesn’t come and go with our circumstances.  But joy can be experienced despite our circumstances.  Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, second only to love, it flows from God, not circumstances.  We have a fundamental need for joy in our lives.  Life without joy is overwhelming, depressing and just plain sad.

God loves all of us extravagantly.  And He’s not finished with a single one of us.  The fact is, He has a sovereign plan that is for good and not evil.  For joy and not sorrow.  He is writing a story of on-going redemption with each of our lives.  Our lives are woven together through seasons.  It’s one person’s season to experience this.  And another person’s season to experience that.  Neither is loved more.  Neither is more dispensable.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 sums up what I’ve felt in my heart in a few simple, powerful words: He hath made every thing beautiful in his time.

His time. His time. His time. HIS TIME.

Joy comes in knowing Jesus, experiencing His presence and trusting His timing.  Joy comes when we fall more in love with the One who loves us most.  To experience joy is to experience Jesus.

So many times we want joy, but not trails.  We want faith, but not testing.

Y’all, I’m going to be honest, I’ve thought many times how much easier my life would be without pain, without surgeries, without loneliness and without financial hardships.

But God often uses the hard to refine us.  To transform us into the person we were created to be in the first place.  More like Him.

If you are going through a hard season of trials, I encourage you to find joy in the midst of the hard.  While it isn’t always easy, it is always worth it!

 

I have to admit, this prompt has been one of my favorites thus far.  I love old photos, and enjoyed sitting down and going through them.  And yes, I am holding a baby groundhog in the one picture.  I’m excited to read through all your letters to your younger self!

For a complete list of The Blogvember Challenge prompts, click HERE!

November 6 – Write a letter to the 16-year-old you.

 

Dear Beautiful Girl,

Oh pretty girl.  If I could give you anything right now it would be a hug.

I would stand there and just hold you, look you in the eyes and promise you that it does get better.  It really does.  These years don’t define you.  I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of that right now, but it gets better.  So much better.

I know you’re listening to Garth Brooks while everyone else is listening to Metallica.  I know you’re driving a John Deere and plowing a garden while everyone else is hanging out with their friends.  I know you’re sharpening the blades on the lawnmower while everyone else is heading to the beach.  I know you feel like you don’t fit in.  There is so much more to life than fitting in.  And actually someday being country is actually cool!

I know how critically important it feels to fit in, to be cool, and most of all, to be beautiful.  And thin.  Oh, how important that is.

I want you to know a few things.  First of all, you are thin!  And your 40something self will wish she looked like you.  Secondly, a woman’s worth is not determined by her weight.  You know that. Deep down you have to know that.

But yet…

I see the days when you eat a candy bar, sneak out into the bathroom to try to vomit it up.  It doesn’t work and just makes you feel like more of a failure.  I see the days when you can’t concentrate because you’re hungry.  You’ve convinced yourself that food is disgusting and when you glance around the lunchroom, watching everyone shove food in their mouth, it makes you nauseous.  Again, you revise your daily 600-calorie or less menu.  One thing it can never include is food at school in front of others.  I see you leafing through the pages of the latest issue of Seventeen, tears dripping down your cheeks because you’ll never look like those girls, and it makes you feel like your worth is less than zero.

I know you hate your lips and how full they are. Those kids around you haven’t helped that matter at all, calling you horrible racist names. But guess what? Some day women are going to pay to have amazing lips like yours! I know, right? And God gave you them for free.  They set you apart and make you unique.

I know you’ve waited so long to finally turn 16 and be allowed to date.  And you think he’s your prince charming.  But sadly, for two years he fills your head with “I won’t date a fat girl, remember that”, “Look how fat your thighs look in those pants.  Don’t ever wear them again when you’re with me.” and “If you would just lose weight, you’d be so beautiful.”  You will spend countless date nights sitting in restaurants watching him eat because he feels you’ve had your calorie fill for the day.  And countless nights hungrily crying yourself to sleep.  Eventually he is out of the picture, but his words aren’t.

But in just four short years you will marry the man of your dreams.  He see’s the broken places in your heart but he doesn’t see you as broken.  He will grab your hand, look you in the eyes and step forward with you.  When he is by your side, everything from your past will melt away.  God knew at that exact moment in your life you needed to feel worthy, loved and protected.  And He sent you the perfect person to fulfill that role.  He rescues you from all the past pain, struggles and hurt.  And you will finally feel safe, protected and so very loved.

Darling, gorgeous, lovely, wonderfulness…you are beautiful and worthy exactly as you are, and nothing anyone can say or do will change that truth. Do you hear me? Your body type does not dictate your worth, no matter what society tells us.

God has told you the truth about who you are. You are beautiful simply because He made you. The only perspective that matters and the only One who defines us is our Maker. How freeing is that truth?

You are beautiful.  Nothing can change that fact.  Ever.  Not aging, not gray hair and not scars from surgeries.  The only thing that can change is whether you believe it or not.

Despite what all the guidance counselors tell you, these years do not define you.  You will be so, so much more than high school.  You are a child of God…and no prom dress, hair cut, boyfriend, car, or fight with a friend can ever change that.  Everything happens for a reason and God will bless you in ways beyond what you can imagine!

You are wonderful and worthy.  Please remember that.  You are amazing!

Love,
Your Future Self

PS…Your hair is amazing. Enjoy every single second of your big hair, soon it goes out of style and never comes back in. I know, unbelievable. But the adult you is still holding out hope it will come back in style someday.

I can’t believe we’re already five days into Blogvember!  Are y’all loving this as much as I am?!

For a complete list of The Blogvember Challenge prompts, click HERE!

November 5 – Who is your favorite male or female in the Bible?  How have they influenced your life?

I remember being a little girl and hearing the story of Queen Esther.  I was mesmerized by the biblical account of the orphan who grew up to be a courageous queen.  My little heart longed to be like her, courageous and faithful.

As my life went on and my story held valleys and mountaintops, I clung even more to the brave queen.

Let me share with you who Esther was, why she is so important and valuable lessons we can learn from her.

God has the power to bring beauty from the ashes

Nothing is ever impossible with the God we serve.  His hand can be traced through every chapter and every word.  There is a constant thread of redemption woven through Esther’s story that speaks to our lives still today.

It’s easy to just focus on Esther being beautiful and the royal position of Queen being handed to her.  And we roll our eyes and think “I’m certain her life was so hard”.  But life wasn’t always easy for her.  She was an orphan that suffered loss at a young age.  Imagine this ya’ll, she was snatched away from her home, her family, her people and everything that was familiar to her and put in a new home in a high-pressure position.  And expected to smile and succeed.  Let’s be honest here, I’d be really angry if that happened to me.  And even when gifted such a royal position there was still hard times.  Her people were in danger and faced destruction.  Can you even imagine how alone she must have felt?

Her life was filled with trial after trial, yet we see in every part of the story a hope woven through.  And it’s truly the most powerful pieces of the entire book.

I find so much comfort in knowing God is always at work even when we can’t see the whole story.  Even when things look crummy and hard and scary and uncertain.  And that sets the stage for great things to happen, “…And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14.

God loves all of us extravagantly.  And He’s not finished with a single one of us.  The fact is, He has a sovereign plan that is for good and not evil.  For joy and not sorrow.  He is writing a story of on-going redemption with each of our lives.  Our lives are woven together through seasons.  It’s one person’s season to experience this.  And another person’s season to experience that.  Neither is loved more.  Neither is more dispensable.

Throughout this entire journey I’ve been reminded time and time again of God’s extravagant love for me.  In the darkest places, I found Him there with me.  Speaking to my heart.  Speaking life into the hurt places.  I’ve learned what it’s like to seek and find Him. I’ve thrown myself at His feet in a teary heap.  I’ve learned that even in the hard times, He gives us enormous blessings, blessings that are much greater than any of my troubles.  His goodness always shines through!

God uses ordinary people

When Esther was born, Israel was in captivity because of their disobedience to God.  When she was a child her parents were killed and her cousin Mordecai adopted her as his daughter.  Another thing my girl Esther and I have in common, we were both adopted.  And perhaps another reason I clung to this story as a child.  Esther was also Jewish.  She was part of a minority race held in low esteem at that time.  So much so that when she was chosen as Queen, Mordecai advised her to keep her Jewish nationality a secret.

On a plain ole’ ordinary day God chose Esther to do through her what He had planned before she was even born.

I can remember thinking if God used an ordinary adopted girl like Esther, I bet He has a plan for my life too!

Undoubtedly Esthers story has a purpose in the Bible.  It was written so that we could learn from her example and also to show us how He works in the lives of ordinary people.

I once saw a quote that really resonated with me.

God uses small, ordinary people to change the world every day.  That’s the only kind there are, the only kind there every will be.  Only He is big and extraordinary.

Always choose humility over pride

In Esther 2:7 we find that she was a beautiful woman with a beautiful figure.  Along with all of the other lovely virgins, she stood out and won Hegai’s favor.  Because of that she was given 12 months special food, pampering and treatments to enhance her beauty.  Can you even imagine being pampered every single day for a year?

And let’s be honest here, can you even imagine that amount of cattiness that would have been happening in the harem of virgins waiting for their one night with the king?  But not with our Esther girl.  She had a humbleness that shined brightly.  While I would guess the other virgins were full of pride and catty jealously, she remained humble.

When a virgin was summoned by the king, she was allowed to bring with her whatever she thought would make her the most attractive to him.  But when Esther was called upon she only took with her the things Hegai advised.  With that she won the kings favor and approval.  So much so that he sat a royal crown on her head and made her queen instead of Vashti!

Don’t allow your circumstances to make you bitter or angry

I know, easier said than done right?

I cannot even begin to imagine the pain Esther had to endure in her childhood.  Her parents were killed in a turbulent time where many Jewish children were becoming orphans.  But rather than rebelling or becoming resentful over her difficult life, the Bible tells us she was obedient to Mordecai.

When you grow up in painful circumstances, it’s easy to fall into the trap of questioning God’s goodness.  But Esther’s heart was tender and her spirit was kind.

And let’s think on this for a moment.  Esther was chosen for the King’s beauty contest, she had absolutely no choice in the matter.  And in the process she would not only lose her virginity but also become his property, whether he chose her for his wife or not.  She would never be allowed to return to her home or her life with Mordecai.

How easy it would be to turn bitter and angry in that situation.  Being taken away from my adoptive parents, away from my home and everything I knew, and give to some man to do with as he pleases.  Y’all.  I just can’t even fathom it.

Esther had literally no control over her future.  But she trusted God and His plan.

I know in my own life I’ve came up against certain situations that I knew I had a choice to make, be angry or choose joy.  And that, my friends, is hard at times.  With my adoption, I’m so blessed to have never felt an ounce of resentment or bitterness.  I understood from an early age that it was just right and that it was God’s plan.  My adoptive parents, my entire adoptive family, made sure to tell me time and time again how God hand-picked me to be a part of that family!  But so many times I’ve watched other adopted people struggle with feelings of rejection, abandonment and disappointment.  I’m not saying their feelings are invalid, not at all.  But that is an example when we need to lean into Jesus and choose whether to be bitter or allow it to help us grow.

There are these and so many more lessons we can learn from Queen Esther.  And I just may feel a future Bible study stirring in my heart!