change {again}

my heart is broken…

i’m sitting here typing this at 4 am on a weekend…after a restless night of basically not sleeping…bawling my eyes out while i type…i feel so consumed by saddness, fear and anxiety which in turn makes me feel weak,  like a big baby and makes me mad…i am NOT a fan of feeling like this and i’m not use to it…i am trying so hard to find that place in my heart that makes change seem good, that reassures me it will all be okay and that helps me move on…i just can’t seem to find it…

i imagine as the days go by the shock will wear off and it will get easier…i’m not sure i’ll LIKE it, but it will get easier…i will learn the new job (i don’t really have a choice), i will get to know the new people and i will settle into the new office…

and to tell me to “take it as a compliment”…how in the world do i take something as a compliment that feels like such a punishment?  i feel like i am being punished for being good at what i do…i think my heart is just too broken right now to see the compliment in it…maybe i will eventually…
so my goal for today is to not bawl like a freak until my face is the size of texas…if ya’all could please keep me in your prayers i would REALLY appreciate it…change is SO HARD for me

out for now
~kisses